Yoga Sirens, “Starey Dinners,” and Gay Teens on TV

by Lindsay Miller

I have only ever gone out with men but recently met a girl I’m attracted to and who’s become very important to me. As soon as we met, we became close friends straight away, and for the past few months have seen each other every weekend and do lots of datelike thinks like go for epic starey dinners and extremely long walks. However, I have *no idea* whether the thought of being anything other than friends has even crossed her mind. I know one option is to just *ask her already* but I’m really worried about harming the friendship. I’m trying to get a sense of whether this is even on her radar — we don’t talk about our romantic pasts, and even if we did, well, mine wouldn’t give anything away, since I’ve only ever dated men, so I’m not sure if this would be much of an indicator. I’m worried about freaking her out by saying something, but on the other hand, if it’s never going to happen, for my own sanity I would like to know sooner rather than later. Thank you for any thoughts you might have!

The major reveal in your letter is the penultimate sentence: “If it’s never going to happen … I would like to know sooner rather than later.” That right there says to me that this is not a situation where you’re totally happy with your friendship, and if naked times happened to transpire, you wouldn’t say no; this is a situation where every time you’re near her all you can think is JESUS DAMMIT WHEN ARE WE GOING TO KISS ALREADY. That is, it’s not really a friendship to you, it’s a relationship prelude. I don’t mean to say that you don’t care about her deeply, or value her for qualities other than the way her legs look in that skirt, but it sounds like you’re too into her to continue hanging out indefinitely without ever establishing whether it’s going somewhere sexier.

So you need to cowgirl up and make your move. It sounds like she’s into you, what with the long walks and starey dinners and hanging out every weekend, so it’s not like she’s constantly out on the town picking up other ladies or dudes. Plus, the never talking about your romantic history thing? I feel like when you’re getting to know an awesome new platonic friend, you totally swap My Worst Date / My Funniest Sex Injury / My Craziest Ex stories as part of the process. When you’re getting to know someone you want to make out with, you scrupulously avoid that topic.

But the only way to know for sure is to a) ask her or b) just move in for the kiss, already. If she pulls back and goes “hey wait what I’m straight” or “hey wait what I’m secretly married” or whatever, fine, there’s your answer. If she kisses back, she’s into you. I think she’s probably into you.

I am a lady in her mid-twenties, who is in a serious relationship with a wonderful gentleman. Until recently, I would have rated myself as a 5/100 on the gayness scale — I’ve had twinges of attraction to beautiful ladies, sure, and the occasional fantasy about Blake Lively, but I’d never so much as kissed or been tempted to kiss a real life lady.

This changed a few months ago, when I developed a burning crush on a gay lady who goes to my yoga studio. She is super smiley, somewhat butch, and incredibly, intimidatingly fit, and drop-dead-turn-your-head gorgeous. I think about her all the time, and we do dirty things in my head, and that smile … oh my god I think if she ever actually smiled directly at me my heart would burst into flames and I would die.

I’ve been around the block enough times that I won’t try to justify this as anything other than a crush. My tendency to get these kinds of crushes on dudes has been an ongoing issue in my relationship, in fact … but at this point, I’m basically resigned to the fact that none of these intense feelings I have for strangers are actually worth threatening my relationship with my boyfriend. I also doubt that, after a lifetime of straightness, this crush, despite its intensity, indicates that I need to dump my dude and switch to playing for the other team. I’m in it with my boyfriend for the long term. That said, the fact that she is a lady raises some problems that I feel unprepared to deal with.

For the first time in my life, I feel like I understand what dudes go through on a daily basis. Here is what our average encounter looks like: she walks in. My face lights up. Then I realize that I’m staring, and I blush. Then I look away and stare at a spot just above her shoulder, trying awkwardly not to move my face as she walks by. I glance over again. Maybe she’s looking back at me? Maybe she’s secretly in love with me? No, shit, she wasn’t looking but now she is and she caught me staring at her. I drop my water bottle and it spills everywhere. I try to give her a casual smile, and end up looking like I’ve just had a stroke. She ignores me. I get paranoid that I smell bad and go hide in the back. I spend all of yoga while I should be omming trying not to check her out, and failing, or else obsessing over how much she must hate me because of how I’m always giving her awkward seizure-smiles and looking at her with my grody lust-eyes.

I feel like a total creeper, and not only is it very un-zen, it makes me feel guilty. With all the crushes that I’ve ever had on guys, I’ve at least been confident that even if they didn’t return the feeling, they would find my mild, girly attentions flattering, not intimidating or scary. On the other hand, as a lady, I know how unwelcome and unpleasant having a dude lustfully drooling over you can be, particularly in a space where you want to feel safe and unselfconscious. I also generally find that dudes are way slower on picking up signals than ladies are; my female friends, meanwhile, can basically read my mind. It’s weirdly hard for me to tell how obvious I’m being — some days, I’m sure that this lady has no idea I exist; on other days, I’m increasingly paranoid that she’s caught me leering and is actively giving me the cold shoulder. This makes me feel self-conscious and gross, and I start acting even less “normal” than I was before.

I don’t want to ruin my crush’s yoga buzz with my creeper ways, and I’d like to be able to concentrate on mastering my reverse half moon, instead of my uncontrolled libido. Part of me feels like if I could just work up the courage to say a few friendly words in passing to her, this might all vanish as quickly as it came, but then I think this might make me seem even creepier than I already do. She seems amazing in every way, not just the physical, and I’d love to be her friend, but that’s dangerous and unlikely … right? So, a queer chick, tell me: what should I do? Do you think I’m overestimating her ability to read my lustful mind? Do you think I should try to talk to her, or should I back off? Should I switch yoga studios? Or should I just stop worrying about it and enjoy this weird foray into same-sex lust?

First of all, she can’t read your mind, so go ahead and chill all the way out. Your friends who can pick up your signals aren’t using some sort of magical lady-telepathy; they’re your friends, so they know you, and they recognize your moods and body language. Hot Yoga Chick doesn’t have that ability; she probably just thinks of you as “that cute but kind of awkward and clumsy girl from yoga class, who’s always spilling her water.”

Having a crush on someone does not automatically make you creepy. Creepy happens when you do things like stand way too close while talking to her, or corner her and make weird double entendres, or just straight-up stare at her tits constantly. Unless you forgot to mention the part where you salivate uncontrollably and hump her leg like a small dog, I think it’s safe to say that your behavior is firmly in the non-creepy camp. Even if she has figured out that you’re attracted to her — which I doubt, since it doesn’t sound like you’ve exchanged three words — chances are good that she finds it non-threatening and maybe even flattering.

Since I’m taking your word for it that you’re happy with your boyfriend and aren’t planning to act on this crush, I don’t think you have anything to even theoretically worry about as far as making her uncomfortable. However, if your passion is so intense it’s making you lose your focus on yoga, you should definitely make some kind of a change. One option, obviously, is to talk to her and try to strike up a friendship (again, without any excessive salivation). Just go up to her after class and introduce yourself, and maybe ask if she wants to go grab a smoothie or something. The kind of all-consuming crush you’re describing often doesn’t survive getting to know someone as a person rather than an idealized ultra-flexible Sex Goddess. For bonus points, you might also get a cool new friend out of the deal!

If you feel like that’s way too intimidating, though, you’re going to have to find a new yoga studio — or at least change your schedule. The object of your affections can’t possibly attend every class they offer, right? If you always see her there on Wednesday mornings, maybe you should start going on Thursday afternoons. But if that’s simply impossible, then all you can do is kick back and enjoy the emotional rollercoaster of crushdom. Please do not stand up until the emotional rollercoaster has come to a complete stop.

I am a queer, mostly gay lady living in a medium sized mid-western city with a very small queer lady population. It’s my hometown, and I am not planning on settling down here, because I am not getting laid enough for my taste. I love love LOVE masculine ladies, and really like ladies all over the spectrum of masculinity, from the butch and burly to assertive soft-ballers. But I am not femme. Maybe a little femme in my active listening ability and lack of athletic achievements. But I feel most comfortable with my boobs strapped down, in suspenders, with a boy’s haircut. I don’t even like wearing eyeliner.

And so I attract lots of femme girls — nice, smart, cool femme girls who just do not do it for me at all. This latest streak of celibacy has been long enough that I wonder if my type is just not realistically going to come along here. Ideally I’d like another suspenders-wearing woman, preferably with blonde hair and freckles. Who is really funny and smart. And likes to bike. In New York, Chicago, or even Minneapolis maybe ladies like that are everywhere, but not in my town. Should I just wait it out? (I’m starting a grad program that will take two years.) Should I push myself to date the femme chicks who go for me? Should I just sleep with dudes until I move to San Francisco? Because a femme-y hipster dude (of which there are quite a few here) does it for me more than a femme lady, even though I wouldn’t want to date one. (I guess I’d be cool with a handjob exchange.) Should I become less shallow, and if so, how do people do that?

Yeah, I don’t really think that wanting to date people who turn you on is shallow. If you steadfastly refuse to get to know anyone who isn’t your exact physical type, you might be a little bit superficial, but if traditional femininity just doesn’t do it for you, that’s not a character flaw.

You will not earn Good Person Points by going out and boinking someone you’re not actually attracted to. The femme you take home will in all likelihood not be an idiot; she will sense your lack of enthusiasm, and there’s a very real chance it will wreak havoc on her self-esteem. Don’t do that to her. (And don’t buy a time machine and be the person who did that to me.) Also, if you find an androgynous boy you actually think is hot, feel free to get down with him, but if your approach is “I guess you can help me masturbate but DON’T YOU POINT THAT THING AT ME,” please just skip it. People — boys included — generally prefer to have sex with someone who actually wants to have sex with them.

If there’s nobody in your town who you want to sleep with, save up all the money you’re not spending on dates and buy yourself a nice vibrator to tide you over until you can move to a bigger city. It might not be exactly what you want, but it’s certainly better than forcing yourself to go through the motions with someone who doesn’t get you hot. However, before you do that, take a second look around. (Or, I mean, go ahead and buy the vibrator if you don’t already have one. You deserve something nice! But then, later, take a second look around.) Are you sure you’re the single, solitary butch in your whole area code? It seems like there must be a decent-sized queer community, since you’re up to your neck in fabulous but unappealing femmes. Maybe there’s someone sexy you’ve been overlooking.

You talk about how you attract lots of femme ladies, which I interpret to mean that they’re the ones hitting on you. Are you, perhaps, waiting for your One True Butch to come along and sweep you off your feet? Do you know some cute masculine chicks who you’ve assumed aren’t interested in you because they’ve never made a pass — or because they’re always surrounded by a sea of femmes, much like the one through which your boyish haircut can only occasionally be glimpsed? You may be fuming and cursing the stereotype that makes people assume that you’re only attracted to girly-girls while five feet away there’s a softball-playin’, Harley-ridin’ dyke who wishes she had the nerve to ask you out.

Obviously this is all total conjecture, but the point is that you know it’s bullshit to assume that all butches only like femmes and vice versa. So if there’s someone (or several someones) whom you haven’t approached because you think you’re not ladylike enough to win her heart, I think you should put on your big-girl boxer briefs and make the first move already.

Okay, these are actually two separate questions, so feel free to answer either or both or however you want!

1. Having watched the recent episode of Glee where Kurt & Blaine lose their virginity to each other, I was pleasantly surprised to see a young gay couple presented in a loving, stable, healthy relationship — basically like any straight relationship would be. I felt like I had not seen this on television before and actually got a bit teary thinking about young gay kids who could finally see a positive representation of themselves.

(I am a straight white female in my 30s, so I basically am television, but I prefer diversity to be honest. It is boring when everyone is white/the same age as me/middle class, etc.)

My question for you, Queer Chick (and queer ‘Pinners), is this: how important is that representation to you? Does it make you happy to see queer people on TV? Would you rather a stereotypical representation (flaming/flannel-wearing) over none?

2. What would you say to a kid who is questioning their sexuality, or, what do you wish you had been told about being gay when you were younger? (I am coming at this from a new parent’s perspective. It’s a question I may never have to answer but you know, overthinking it JIC.)

1. I’m ashamed to admit that I actually hate-watch Glee, so I totally know the episode you’re talking about, but — because of the hatred — it’s hard for me to form an objective opinion regarding how any single issue is handled on that show. I feel like I despised that storyline less than some of the other recent ones? (Man, I hope a bunch of you don’t yell at me for hating Glee. Also, I know that if it bugs me so much I should stop watching it. I just, Naya Rivera, you guys.)

In a more general sense, yes, I think it’s really super important to have representations of young queers on television shows, and for them to handle issues that go beyond “I think I might be gay” and “I’m scared to come out.” Gay teenagers struggle with excitement and fear about having sex for the first time, the same as straight teenagers, and it’s awesome to see a TV show portraying that milestone as basically a normal thing that young people do. (It would be even more awesome to see it on a show that was capable of maintaining a coherent plot arc from one week to the next.) (I’m sorry. I’m stopping.) My guess is that it makes a big difference for queer youth to be able to watch their favorite show and realize that they’re not the only person who’s ever gone through this. I think a queer storyline handled awkwardly, or with some stereotyping, is wildly preferable to no queer storyline at all.

2. Just the fact that you’re asking this question puts you so far ahead of most other parents that you should give yourself a gold star. You’re going to do awesome!

I think the most important thing you can do is create an environment in your home where your child will grow up realizing that it’s fine to be queer. This isn’t something you can accomplish just by saying it. If you vote in favor of gay marriage, but have no actual queer friends, or get uncomfortable around same-sex couples, or use the word “tranny” as an insult, your child will pick up on your attitude and learn that being LGBTQ is icky and wrong. And if s/he turns out to be LGBTQ, it will be that much more difficult to come to you with questions. So you have to start by looking at not just your conscious political opinions, but your actual behavior — and if it doesn’t match up with what you believe, make an effort to change it.

When your child gets older, if you begin to suspect that s/he is queer, don’t force the issue — let your child come to you. I know of parent/child relationships that have been seriously damaged because the parent insisted on knowing something the child wasn’t ready to announce. Obviously, if you think your child is in some kind of danger — an abusive relationship, self-harming behavior, drugs — you should intervene. But otherwise, do whatever you can not to rush them. It may be that they’re waiting to tell you because they aren’t one hundred percent sure themselves.

And if and when they do come to you, don’t freak out! Answer their questions about sex and dating as calmly and honestly as you would if they were asking about the opposite sex. Don’t ask them a hundred times if they’re really really sure that this isn’t just a phase — you wouldn’t ask if they were just going through a straight phase, would you? Set whatever guidelines seem reasonable to you, but try not to act any differently than you would if they were straight. If they ask you a question and you don’t know the answer, help them find a book on the topic, or research it online together.

I think, in general, that you should have open, honest conversations with your child about gender and sexuality, and try hard to be unfazed by anything that differs from the norm. This will make your child feel more comfortable and accepted should they turn out to be queer — and also, in the far more probable scenario where they turn out to be straight, they’re much less likely to be an asshole. So basically, this is a win-win situation.

Just don’t let your child watch Glee until they’re at least in middle school. That much auto-tune has got to be bad for their mental development.

Previously: No Lesbian Shirt, No Lesbian Shoes, No Lesbian Service.

Lindsay Miller knows everything. Do you have a question for A Queer Chick?

Photo by Anna Sedneva, via Shutterstock