The 10 People Who Wished Me Happy Birthday on Facebook

by Erin Somers

1. Girl from my high school basketball team who once punched me in the back of the head at practice.

2. Friend of a friend from college last seen on a network sitcom two seasons ago. If memory serves, he’s deep into hugging.

3. Middle school stoner who had the same No Fear shirt as me in seventh grade: “The meek shall inherit NOTHING.”

4. My cousin’s mother-in-law on behalf of her labradoodles, Magnificent and Kevin.

5. The Russian girl with whom I did a pre-college summer program, wishing me “an extravagant birthday to my gorgeous interior and exterior.”

6. A salon called Dimond Nails Dimond Nails [sic] in my hometown.

7. A spam-generating robot posing as a guy with ripped abs named Derek Redwine.

8. Sammy “The Bull” Gravano, a joke Facebook account my friend created for “the most gangster sandwich he ever made.”

9. High school ne’er-do-well known mostly as “Sweet Medallion” who transferred in from our rival high school after “running over a kid until his eyes bugged out” — a story no one questioned or found strange.

10. One actual friend.

Erin Somers would like to be friends on Facebook. She has a blog.