Sometimes State Quarters…

By The Hairpin January 10, 2012

by Caity Weaver

1. Sometimes state quarters feature the ultra spooky Headed Horseman. (Delaware)

2. Sometimes state quarters Vogue, Vogue, Strike a Pose. (Pennsylvania)

3. Sometimes state quarters were wondering if it’d be cool for them to bring a couple bros along? (New Jersey)

4. Sometimes state quarters demand you prostrate yourself before the Mighty Peach of Justice. (Georgia)

5. Sometimes state quarters prefer to think of trees as “sea anemones of the land.” (Connecticut)

6. Sometimes state quarters are waiting –just waiting– for shit to pop off. (Massachusetts)

7. Sometimes state quarters try to make a self-invented nickname happen, but everyone knows it won’t. (Maryland)

8. Sometimes state quarters provide portals into nightmarish hellscapes where birds big as trees stalk the coast. (South Carolina)

9. Sometimes state quarters would like to know what moisturizer you use and do you like it? (New Hampshire)

10. Sometimes state quarters are really putting the Williamsburg in Colonial Williamsburg by reminding you that they started hanging around America back when it was still a locally-owned neighborhood place. (Virginia)

11. Sometimes it’s like state quarters didn’t even try. (New York)

12. Sometimes state quarters took forever to get through security and missed their flight. (North Carolina)

13. Sometimes state quarters know you only invited them because you thought they were San Francisco. (Rhode Island)

14. Sometimes state quarters are just so Vermont. (Vermont)

15. Sometimes state quarters should have reconsidered the quotation marks around their caption because it kind of makes it look like Mr. Ed is talking. (Kentucky)

16. Sometimes state quarters would like to invite you to a Country Bear Jamboree. (Tennessee)

17. Sometimes state quarters totally bit off North Carolina’s thing, then had to add a spaceman at the last minute so they wouldn’t look super dumb. (Ohio)

18. Sometimes state quarters have too much wine with dinner and slur things like “My family used to own this place! We used to could buy this whole town!” (Louisiana)

19. Sometimes state quarters love cars and stars. (Indiana)

20. Sometimes state quarters aren’t crying because they’re sad. They’re crying because they just watched Steel Magnolias. (Mississippi)

21. Sometimes state quarters knew Abraham Lincoln back in his younger days, when he still went by Dick Whitman. (Illinois)

22. Sometimes state quarters were just as surprised as you to learn Helen Keller was from Alabama. (Alabama)

23. Sometimes state quarters seem to have ripped their imagery right from the calendar you bought at the dollar store on January 3. (Maine)

24. Sometimes state quarters make Missouri look like an AWESOME ADVENTURELAND. (Missouri)

25. Sometimes state quarters are a girl’s best friend. (Arkansas)

26. Sometimes state quarters would argue that having four really great lakes is better than having ten-thousand normal ones, Minnesota, just saying. (Michigan)

27. Sometimes state quarters didn’t catch what you just said because they were daydreaming about a Pirates vs. Aliens ultimate spacefight showdown. (Florida)

28. Sometimes state quarters really hammer home the point. (Texas)

29. Sometimes state quarters invented the very first building! (Iowa)

30. Sometimes state quarters can only work with what you give them. (Wisconsin)

31. Sometimes state quarters would like to drop a quick hypothetical on you: What if a scarecrow came to life? Where would he go? What would he see? (California)

32. Sometimes state quarters are brought to you by proud sponsor Land O’Lakes. (Minnesota)

33. Sometimes state quarters forgot to Put a Bird On It. (Oregon)

34. Sometimes state quarters wish they had known you were allergic to sunflowers but they can only apologize so many times. (Kansas)

35. Sometimes state quarters think your new river is gorge! Loves it! (West Virginia)

36. Sometimes state quarters were designed by Bronys. (Nevada)

37. Sometimes state quarters would rather be playing Oregon Trail. (Nebraska)

38. Sometimes state quarters forget that the only color you can see on a quarter is silver. (Colorado)

39. Sometimes state quarters are so hungry and this grass is delicioussssss numnumnum! (North Dakota)

40. Sometimes state quarters thought they could draw Jefferson freehand, from memory. (South Dakota)

41. Sometimes state quarters wish to remind bison to keep off private property. (Montana)

42. Sometimes state quarters would just like to point out that, really, every quarter is a Washington state quarter when you think about it. (Washington)

43. Sometimes state quarters thought a potato would look dumb. (Idaho)

44. Sometimes state quarters remind you of a charm bracelet you bought at Claire’s. (Wyoming)

45. Sometimes state quarters make trains look so bad-ass and confrontational that they inspire Trainsformers, an old-timey Transformers spin-off. (Utah)

46. Sometimes state quarters didn’t want to spring for the full bird tail. (Oklahoma)

47. Sometimes state quarters are trying to be soooo mystical. (New Mexico)

48. Sometimes state quarters are overly ambitious, given their limited design space. (Arizona)

49. Sometimes state quarters will die a hero’s death rescuing a fish from quicksand. (Alaska)

50. Sometimes state quarters are all, “Mele Kalikimaka, Roman centurion!” (Hawaii)

51. Sometimes state quarters took a risk by depicting a random man sitting at a piano named “Duke Ellington” instead of Duke Ellington sitting at a random piano. (District of Columbia)