Learning to Love Ben, Part Three
Ben lives everywhere! This week Ben is from San Francisco. There is something I don’t trust about how many places you call home, Ben. But wait … your sister also lives in this town of San Francisco? And you “haven’t seen Julia in a couple weeks” and are really looking forward to chatting with her? AHHH YOU KILL ME I LOVE YOU JUST KIDDING I LOVE YOUR SISTER, JULIA!
Julia, I love your lipstick. I really like your eyelashes, especially the bottom ones. Are they real? That blazer is awesome. Is your hair ombré on purpose or accident? I don’t even care! It’s perfect. But really, what is that lipstick? Oh, your nail polish. And your necklace is so dainty and can I borrow it? You are so nice to your brother and you squint your eyes at him just enough. I love you. Will you accept this rose, Julia?
Blah blah, Ben goes on a “one on one” date. He is kind of being a jerk about making 27-year-old (who cares? Stop telling us how old everyone is) Emily climb the Bay Bridge when she keeps saying she’s scared, has nightmares about heights — involving bridges specifically — and really doesn’t want to climb it. He explains it’s a “if we can conquer this, we can conquer anything” kind of bullshit exercise, but I think it’s just another instance of Ben not having the confidence or maturity to stand up to the producers’ jerkface ideas of what Americans think of as entertainment. I am bored and turned off.
AND THEN AS SHE’S FREAKING OUT HE SAYS “TALK TO ME, GOOSE!” I’ve never even seen Top Gun (freal), but even I know how lame that is. More like “Shoot me in the face off this bridge and out of this date, Goose.” I hate you, Ben. Ah! I’m sorry I suddenly hate you. “Her fear of heights has completely taken over … so I did the only thing I could think of: I gave her a kiss.” Oh, fuck you! But do not fuck you! Never. Not now.
It’s going to take a lot to come back from this.
(Emily read a bunch of copy afterward that was obviously written for her about bridges “bringing people closer together” and overcoming shit. Gah.)
Ben looked drunk and hiccupy all through their dinner. I skipped the group date the next day which consisted of skiing in SF in the summer on a man-made snow-covered hill à la Real Genius. Get out of the ’80s, please Ben? Oh, also the soundalike of “If I Saw You in Heaven” is making me barfy.
UH! I’m fast forwarding at 8x as often as possible during this episode. This is what I do, Ben. Part of it is definitely you starting to be a lame, icky person. But a big part of it is me running at the first sign of trouble or authenticity in a relationship. I can admit it. I’m going to watch the last 45 minutes and only FF through the commercials in order to demonstrate my unproven ability to persevere in the face of imminent doom.
…
OKAY, CRAP. You had Matt Nathanson play a private show for your next “one on one” date. I randomly met him once at a tiny bar in NYC called The Living Room and he is just a wonderful performer and person and everyone should go see him or be his best friend. DAMN YOU, BEN!!!
But also, you cannot say that every single person you go on a date with is “a complete woman” (???) or “beautiful” or “special” because, no duh and also, ugh. And then don’t tell the girl you spend the least amount of time with that she’s “the best kisser in the house” and then tell her to not tell anyone just so that she’ll tell the camera “I’m in love.” And also MAN UP and stop forcing people to faint from exhaustion and anxiety. I’m taking a walk!
Today has been a real “emotional roller coaster” as, probably, you would say, Ben. And I kind of hate that.