Learning to Love Ben, Part Five

Ben, you’re being so boring lately! It’s like you keep flying us different places — this week we’re in Puerto Rico — just to distract us from the fact that you’ve actually become super lazy about romance or even just being a slightly interesting or interested character on a stupid but usually relatively entertaining television show. Hold still for a second, Ben. Let us get a good look.

At least it’s pretty in Puerto Rico, most of the time. Unfortunately, on the first one-on-one date between Ben and Nicki, there was an, um, monsoon? That’s probably the correct meteorological term, yes. Nicki forgot to wear white on this date. D’oh, Nicki! But Ben still took WAY too long finding somewhere dry for them to hide while the weather passed. It took him literally the entire time of the storm. And then when the rain finally did stop, wouldn’t ya know it, Ben and Nicki end up randomly (haha) standing outside of a fancy church wedding. Did everyone know Nicki is a divorcee? You should because they bring it up constantly. Ben does, so he doesn’t shut up about it for the rest of the date. Smooth.

On the group date they played baseball. In Puerto Rico. Is that racist? Baseball is fun though. Funner than going on another date in, and presumably jumping out of, a helicopter.

It looks like Blakeley got a little bit of a sunburn. Ben, you’re supposed to be watching out for stuff like that, as our collective significant other. We (Blakeley) cannot, as much as we’d (Blakeley’d) like to, look at our own (Blakeley’s) face 24 hours a day, so we rely upon those around who care about us to tell us when our (Blakeley’s) beautiful face is frying off. My face hurts for Blakeley.

Ben speaks a tiny bit of Spanish. He knows the word for “water,” anyway, so we won’t die if we get stranded in that one desert at some point — a future that is not that hard to imagine given how often we are changing locale.

You sure are trying to be gracious about how bored you are on your date with Elyse, Ben. That’s one thing we have in common! Because it is the exact same thing we’re doing right now. Only we can’t send you home at the end of the night, so what we’re doing is a little bit more gracious.

Ben said “sorry” to Elyse like a Canadian, and then he put her in a literal life boat and sent her out to sea. Gotta admit, it was a raw move and I kind of love it, but I swear to God, Ben, you try that shit with me and you’ll end up… OMG I ALMOST THREATENED YOUR LIFE, BEN! Turn it around, buddy.

Pop quiz: was Courtney “a vision” for you at the end of a long day like she literally said out loud that she hoped to be when she crept up on you in the middle of the night as you were returning to your hotel room? Did you find her “irresistible” like she also literally said she hoped you would? Take care with your answers, this quiz accounts for 100% of your grade, Ben.