Guided by Menstrual Voices

“The men seemed to determine menstrual voices by picking the most unattractive voice.”
 — Men can sort of hear periods. They say it sounds like the clatter of pony hooves on a cobblestone road, just a few miles south of Downton Abbey. And that the ponies are pulling a carriage, and that inside the carriage sits a beautiful young woman with a gorgeous dress and a terrible secret. The secret is that [whispers], and the dress is made of a dark green velvet that she inherited from her grandmother, the evil queen. The queen died because someone pushed her off the castle roof, although why she was up there at all remains a mystery. Some say she was visiting the haunted roof garden, except the haunted roof garden has been bound by a locked iron fence for nine hundred years. There are stories that a key still exists, and that it’s made of witch-bone and rubies, but no one’s ever seen it and lived to tell the tale. Or have they?