Love, Bathrooms, and the Older Male Coworker

by A Dude

Hello, A Dude. I need help. I’ve been with my gentleman caller for eight months and I L-word him. I was going to tell him this several months ago, but then the day before I was planning on doing this we stumbled into a conversation where he said that he wouldn’t be ready to say that for “a long time,” so I backed off (I don’t even know what he means by “a long time.” A few months? A year?). I want to tell him how I feel, but he thinks it’s too soon to say it (wtf?) even though by the way he acts and things he’s done he obviously cares about me. We’ve met each other’s parents (neither of us have ever done this), he took me with him across the country to his alma mater, we’re going to Las Vegas together in a couple weeks, we’re able to talk about months out assuming we’re still going to be together, our rare disagreement is always settled quickly and easily by talking about it, etc.

We’re both in our mid-20s and it’s our first “real” relationship, if that’s important information. Maybe we both just don’t know how to navigate milestones. Either way… What’s a girl supposed to do? I just feel like right now our relationship is stagnant because of this one stupid thing. Do I not drop the L-Bomb and wait for him to magically realize how much he cares about me? Do I tell him and probably freak him out? How do I even tell him if I go that route? Am I supposed to preface it with “Don’t have a heart attack, but … ?” Why is this way harder than it is in the movies?

If this were the movies, you’d be on the run from the law, or trying to save the world from the Evil Villains’ Magical Plot Device, or, even worse, you could be an ethereal careerist klutz working in an art gallery. So be glad it’s the real world! So many people would be envious of your healthy and wonderful relationship, with all your Real Life Future Plans, and lack of fights, and ability to go to Vegas. I realize that me telling you how good you’ve got it won’t make your anxiety go away, but I do think it’s important to keep in view that 99% of your question is “this is awesome!” and only 1% is “except for…”

Honestly? This whole question sounds like First Relationship Sky-Is-Falling Syndrome to me. It can be kind of frightening the first time you feel that way about anyone who isn’t family, and it’s totally understandable to be worried. Not to put words in your mouth, but it seems to me like what you want, and what you think hearing the Three Words of Utmost Importance will give you, is reassurance that your boyfriend cares about you and your relationship as much as you do. From what you’ve said, I assure you that he does. The milestones you’ve crossed are meaningful, and the plans you’ve made are major. You’re psyching yourself out!

I do have a couple of small-ish concerns, though. You said that you’re worried about the relationship stagnating because you haven’t said “I love you” yet. Are you sure that the relationship isn’t stagnating on its own, and that you’re expecting a breakthrough on this front to fix lingering problems elsewhere? Think about how you imagine the future after the big admission has been made. Is it a utopia? If so, it’s a sign you might be using this as a foil for other issues. One of which might be a lack of communication? I know it’s the first time for both of you, but I generally feel like eight months in, you should be able to have a Real Talk About Feelings. You sound maybe a little intimidated by your boyfriend’s disapproval? Okay, limited information, could be totally off-base, but that’s definitely a sense I got reading your letter, and is something that I think happens way more often than any of us admit. It does sound like you two have good communication in other things, however, so these problems may just relate to the perceived hugeness of the issue.

In either case, please (please!) don’t say “I love you” like you’re telling someone they have a terminal illness. As in, “Septimus … I love you. You have three months, and then I’m coming for your Sundays, and you should start saying goodbye to your friends now.” Okay, no one says that last sentence. But people sometimes announce these three words with a gravitas afforded no other phrase, when, really, we should just be excited and grateful that we have people to say them to at all. I think what we worry about when saying “I love you” is that the recipient of the phrase will hear it as a serious increase in commitment, and that reciprocating means signing away his or her freedom. It doesn’t! Or it doesn’t have to, at least. I would emphasize that he has no obligation, neither to say it back nor to do anything differently, and that it’s just an expression of how you feel about him. You might be like, “but a validation of commitment is what I want!” to which I’d reply, “I don’t know why we’re talking in quotes right now, but I’m pretty sure that you already have the thing you’re really looking for.”

I have a question about men, aging, and piss. Mostly piss.

So, I am currently renting the basement in an older couple’s house, and they are lovely, albeit messy, people. But since “my” bathroom is near the rec room/living space, it’s basically the house bathroom. And my male landlord (probably in his mid- to late-60s) leaves piss all over every part of the toilet, and often big puddles on the floor. I would like to spend less time with my Scrubbing Bubbles — what up, Jolie — but I don’t know how to approach this. I recognize that this is definitely THEIR house, and I’m just a renter (although I have been too timid in past living situations, so that could be the case here). I’m also guessing an older man might be sensitive about the issue if it’s due to mechanical problems (I think it’s more of an inattention thing, but who knows). Please help me, O Dude!

This Dude’s Theory of Money: if you are paying it to people, you aren’t their friends. I know that sounds harsh! And I’m not going to advocate alienating them with ridiculous demands. But you’re in a contractual relationship with this couple, and they aren’t giving you the agreed-upon goods for your money. If you were living in an apartment, and your landlord came in and used your bathroom, you’d be pissed, right?

Sorry, that was terrible. Okay, a couple things. First, you’re definitely being too timid. Second, how shared is the space? Are you all hanging out in the living room at night like a quaint Midwestern family, listening to the radio news about the war? Or is most of your space separate from theirs? It’s hard to tell you to impose your sovereignty over the bathroom territory if everything’s all mixed up, so use your judgment, but even so, you shouldn’t settle for any solution less than them vacating that bathroom. I agree that you should be sensitive about potential embarrassment here, even if mechanical failure weren’t potentially the cause, though I have to say that it is really difficult sometimes. Even as a not-nearly-as-old dude, it’s sometimes hard to control things. Ahem. Anyway, you’re sharing a space with them, and should try to keep on good terms, and a horrifically awkward conversation about urine is a quick path to mutual avoidance.

Your male landlord might not be as receptive to your plight, but if this is a chronic habit of his, his wife/girlfriend/live-in mistress probably shares your frustration, and could be a useful ally. If you two have a good rapport, I’d investigate taking your complaint to her. Many old dudes practice a sort of quiet obedience when confronted by their ladyfriends — at least, the ones in my family do. I’d also say not to single the male landlord out: make it about no one else using that bathroom (again, only if this is feasible), rather than about just him not using that bathroom. You can also come up with any number of alternate reasons for why you want that space to yourself, like worrying about privacy, feeling like they’re infringing on your space, or wanting to equalize the cleaning duties. I know this still might sound confrontational, but there are a few things you should never compromise on, and your living situation is one of them.

Hey, A Dude, I was hoping you could shed some light on some weird male behavior I’ve been noticing lately. Why are dudes so quick to tell their female friends that the other guys in their life aren’t good enough for them? Just as an example, I have an older male coworker who I sometimes talk about my love life with (usually at his instigation), and no matter what I say about the dudes I date, he always responds by saying something like “Man, you really know how to pick ‘em,” or “Is it really THAT bad out there?” Why do guys think it’s okay to say stuff like this? Do they think it’s some kind of roundabout compliment, or are they trying to, like, sow the seeds of discontent so that I’ll dump whatever scrub I happen to be dating, thus rendering me single and receptive to their overtures?

For the record, the coworker may have a bit of a crush on me, but he’s in a long-term relationship, so it’s a moot point (not to mention that I’m not interested AT ALL). Part of the reason this bugs me so much is that neither I nor any of my girl friends would ever talk this kind of shit about women we don’t know, since that’s a really good way to get branded a backstabbing bitch (plus we’re nice people and stuff). So why are dudes so “bros before hoes” with guys they actually know, no matter how degenerate they are; but they’re all raring to throw any dude they don’t know under the bus? For whatever it’s worth, I go on a lot of dates but am rarely in a relationship (by choice!), so it’s not like I’m all “Woe is me, listen to this horrible tale of misery from the dating dark side.” I think dating is sometimes fun and often funny, so if I’m telling someone else a story about a date I went on, it’s usually because I want them to laugh with me, not take a big old dump on my chosen companion for the evening. What do you think?

Men always walk like this, am I right? And women always walk like thiiiiis, right? Right? And what’s the deal with airline food? Guffaw, guffaw, okay, but in all seriousness, are you asking why dudes do this, or why this one dude at work does this? It sounds to me like this one guy’s behavior is bugging you and you’re generalizing it to all of mankind, but I’ll try to address both, as skeptical as I am about the existence of some archetypal Man-As-Monolith.

Work Dude sounds territorial, which could be friendly or romantic. If you’re picking up signals from him, it’s probably the latter, but some dudes do this with friends, too (more on that in a second). He’s doing something of which I think we’re all occasionally guilty: seeing you in the way that he wants you to be in his life, even if that role is pipe-dreamy or out of touch with reality. He views you differently than you view him — you want him to relate to something through your point of view, and he’s stuck in his point of view, which happens to be kind of overprotective and judgmental. It also seems to me like he’s more interested in having a guy-mode conversation, and you’re more interested in a lady-mode conversation, with, you know, empathy, which he might not be capable of.

So, maybe this: I don’t think there’s some essential guy quality that leads dudes, as a population, to make this sort of comment. I think that some guys, maybe even many guys, are socialized in certain ways to lead them to approach this conversation differently. In my experience, empathy is not valued highly in dude conversations. Making judgments and jokes is. I have my theories on this constant need to validate one’s manliness: I’ve experienced it most with people who played sports in high school or as kids, and from experience know that that environment breeds an in-group/out-group mentality that extends into how they see friend groups in real life. You’re part of Work Dude’s in-group, and these guys — whether they’re chumps or not, it sounds you’re presenting them in a way that implies their outsiderness, if that makes sense — are threats from outside the tribe.

The point is, if I want to talk about the NFL or beer or how attractive someone is, I go to my dude friends, and if I want to talk about something that happened in a relationship or get real advice, I go to my female friends. It’s unfortunate, for sure, and obviously there are a lot of individual dudes and ladies who don’t fit the mold. But many guys, and it sounds like Work Dude is one of them, are not capable of seeing the humor, or anything else, from your perspective. Sorry? It’s worse as a dude sometimes?

Also, sometimes guys try to neg. Practitioners of negging are more accurately classified by their scientific name: assholes.

Just out of curiosity, what do you and your friends list as the 100% agreed-upon, across-the-board awesome qualities that a chick you’re very interested in should have? Like, women have that list, sort of, but for you is it all “boobs, hot, boobs, ass, hot, young, sexy”? Or is it actually more like our list of “smart, funny,” etc. I know you’re about to be all courteous and gentlemanly and “no, it’s definitely smart, funny, etc.,” but please be honest.

Hey, guys, girls, real talk: looks matter. A lot. And it’s okay! Everyone should be attracted to who they’re with. I don’t believe in some idea of the non-libidinous female who only wants a guy who’ll listen and tell jokes, and I definitely don’t believe, as a dude, that dudes are only attracted to walking sets of perfect numbers. Everyone likes different things! No, for real, though. There is definitely a “really, her?” effect within guy groups, too. I can think of so many contradictions in what individual dude friends go for — thin, not too thin, lots of bum, not much bum, pretty face, face doesn’t matter as much as body, etc. — that I couldn’t in good conscience give any one set of characteristics. Except for red hair. Red hair is universally awesome.

Nor could I give any set of personal characteristics that all my guy friends like. Not to get confessional, but I totally can’t connect with anyone who isn’t in some way an artist; I just don’t understand that way of living. Or people who don’t appreciate the worst things Netflix has to offer, preferably viewed under influence of mood-altering substances. But my friend who works in advertising isn’t into women who aren’t career-driven, and another dude friend seems to only go for girls who to all appearances are college freshmen, which is a bit of an exaggeration but is also definitely creepy. Sure, there’s some overlap — I mean, everyone wants someone who they have fun with, right? I mean, I hope so — but in terms of real, specific qualities, it’s totally variable.

I’m going to one-up your expectation of the diplomatic “smart, funny” answer with something even cheesier: dudes, just like ladies (what a shock?) want someone they have a connection with. And, okay, I know you say this is just out of curiosity, but I’m going to pick on you a little bit: why would you want to woo anyone you don’t have that kind of automatic connection with? Wait, I can totally think of good reasons, mostly having to do with getting tail, which is certainly a noble goal, or at least a time-honored one. And I’m totally starting a band called Automatic Connection, and we’ll play all the hits of the ’90s. Anyway, the universe has a really awesome of way of showing you who’s worth fretting over, and it’s called: Do Your Thing, and See What Happens.

Previously: Questionably Tattooed Manchildren and New Uses for Old Jars.

A Dude is one of several rotating dudes who know everything. Do you have any questions for A Dude?

Photo by l i g h t p o e t, via Shutterstock