Go Halfsies on … The Ridiculous Vacation

by The Hairpin

Edith: Jane, will you take a vacation with me? I was going to stay in this $8,000/week beach villa on stilts in the Maldives on my own, but then I realized that’s a little more than I’m willing to spend during a week in the Maldives, you know? You know. I know you know. But then I thought, “if Jane and I split it, everything would be fine.” What do you think? Did you see they have pools on top of the ocean? It’s crazy how something so stupid can also be the most wonderful thing ever invented.

Jane: Where are the Maldives, even? But don’t bother thinking about that or answering because it doesn’t change my answer which is of course, yes. Of course! I try to be a generous and compromising friend, and if this is what you need me to do to prove to you that I really care about you and take our friendship seriously, then I’ll do it. I will also try to enjoy myself. Hey, in addition to the pools over the ocean, they also have hot tubs? Did you see that? First off, I love a hot tub. But second off, don’t you think it’s like 90 degrees there? Will it cool off enough at night to make the hot tubs tolerable? Pressing questions; we’d better hurry!

Edith: Thank you! Jane, you are the best friend I have ever had. Especially when I think closely about my other friends, none of them even comes close. I’m thinking of all of them in my head now, one by one. Anyway, GREAT! And I did see that about the hot tubs — so insane. Bodies of water right and left. And I don’t know where the Maldives are, either, but I’m guessing they’re under Iceland. Iceland is actually a trap door. You heard it here first, but it is true.

Also, did you see the part about dining in “the world’s first all-glass, undersea restaurant”? I would do that if you really wanted, but I would also be just as happy to skip it or only poke our heads in. I can’t imagine there’s a lot of sympathy for people who die in underwater-restaurant accidents. And I bet the waiters there hear the same jokes every day.

Jane: Wait, WHAT? An undersea restaurant!? AHHH!!! LOOK AT IT!

Does your chest feel tight when you look at this photo?

Oh and also the resort has a wine bar, so duh. It’s a good thing we’re splitting the room (hahaha, I called it a “room”), because I just looked it up, and want to know how much it costs to get there? “There” is either in the Indian Ocean or the Arabian Sea depending on how much you’re zoomed in on Google Maps. Give up? $2,000! Though, if you think hard about it — no, harder — 10 grand is pretty cheap to make every single one of your dreams come true in one week. All you’d have to tell me is that they have a discotheque in the area that plays rap music and — I’m not kidding, so be careful — I’d immediately apply for a loan. Oh my god, I’m so excited, I cannot waiiit!!!

Edith: I don’t know about the discotheque, but it seems like a win/win, because either they already have one, and that’s great, or we know the business we’ll be starting when we get there: an underwater rap discotheque. Oh, I just realized why everyone only seems to eat lunch and not dinner at the underwater restaurant, and that’s because a restaurant at the bottom of the ocean at night would be a living, barely breathing nightmare. We will find a way around that with the discotheque, though.

Jane: Lights, Edith. They’re called lights.

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