Age Differences, Irrational Jealousy, and the Haircut

by A Dude

I’m a 52-year-old single female in an industry of youngs. I find that I’m invited to social events with people half my age and we have a blast. I go see their bands perform, we talk and hang out over FB and beers — they’re just lovely people. But of course they’re too young for me to make any moves on, even though there are a couple who appear to be circling me.

I find I’ve met my match with a man in his late 30s, and he is on a campaign to get my attention. He’s been telling me about himself and watching to see if I’m interested, and I am.We have similar fairly unique backgrounds (that outsiders can’t fully understand), family crap (both single no kids), level of nerdness, moral codes, and work ethic, so there’s a solid base to build on. I’m telling myself that maybe the 17-year age difference at this point in our lives isn’t that big of a deal.

But here’s a kicker. I dated briefly when I was first out of a 10-year relationship and found I didn’t want to be “handled” by people who didn’t know me. Nor did I enjoy realizing I was out with someone who was destined to be someone else’s boyfriend, not mine. I decided to take a break and focus on my career as I’ve always loved to work. But the work addiction got away from me and, with the exception of a romance six years ago, which I wouldn’t have p2v sex in, I haven’t been with anyone in — oh shizit I can’t type this! — 12 years.

Wow! You passed right out! Are you OK? Looked like you hit your head on the way down — no? Okay … On the other hand, I’m happy with all the work I’ve done on myself and feel I at last have something to offer. I’m fun, cute, optimistic, and more openly affectionate with friends than I’ve ever been. Also, STD-free, as I just found out. So, a) do I let this guy catch me, and b) if I do, do I tell him about the sexual Abyss? Or what do I tell him, Dude? Would you weird out if this was you, or would you feel chosen?

Regarding the age difference, and just because it’s worth reading once every couple of weeks, please refer to Kate Bolick’s “All the Single Ladies” piece for The Atlantic. Specifically, the last few paragraphs on page 4 about upending social norms. These norms are getting less normal every day, so if he’s interested in you and you him, then go for it. The only person who can make it a big deal is you at this point. So don’t. Am I the only one who watched the CBS Sunday Morning profile on Ellen Barkin or what?

Now, the rest I may have to politely refer to a greater power, for it is beyond my abilities to conjure the proper response to what you’ve explained. I can’t tell if you live in the Abyss by choice or because your submarine broke. Are you now looking to emerge from said Abyss, or do you want this guy to accept that sex is just not part of your life? This part: “I dated briefly when I was first out of a ten-year relationship and found I didn’t want to be ‘handled’ by people who didn’t know me. Nor did I enjoy realizing I was out with someone who was destined to be someone else’s boyfriend, not mine,” raises so many questions. The first one being, what? Second, how is someone destined to be someone else’s? Maybe YOU are destined to be someone else’s. Maybe destiny is a bunch of hooey.

If my math is correct, you’ve been intimate with two men in the last 22 years, one of whom you weren’t willing to be fully intimate with. Only you know the reasons for that, so it’s hard to give you solid advice, other than: only get into a relationship if you’re actually ready. Otherwise, there’s nothing wrong with having guys of all ages be into you while you continue to work on yourself.

The upside of accepting that your age is irrelevant is that you have plenty of time to figure out who and what you want. If you ultimately decide that you’re ready to date this guy, and after he proves himself worthy of whatever you want to give him, then you can tell him whatever you want about your past, but it’s not really necessary.

I’ve been dating a new guy for about five months now. It’s getting serious (he brought me to his hometown to meet his parents last weekend), and it’s going very well. We have had trivial disagreements and dealt with them openly and honestly. However, there is one (probably silly) thing bothering me. His computer background is a lovely photo of Mary-Louise Parker in lingerie, cooking. I get it. She’s foxy. He likes Weeds. He likes attractive women with a rolling pin. Is it insane that this makes me uncomfortable? Is it ridiculous for me to say something? I feel I’m pretty liberal with my views on sex. I wear lingerie for him, I’m okay with him watching pornography. We have lots of it. I’m actually surprised at how much this photo bothers me. His roommates have much dirtier computer backgrounds of young girls in lingerie, so I know it could be worse. Obviously, it makes me feel insecure, and my gut feeling is to simply tell him this and he’ll change it.

But am I expecting too much? Is this as stupid as it sounds? Will this forever brand me as a crazy girl?

No, shit no, just tell him. It’ll be fine. His reasons for picking that background are probably as arbitrary as your reasons for disliking it. Say, “Hey my dude, I don’t know why, but that specific thing bugs me.” If he spazzes out after you say this, then he’s the crazy girl.

I was wondering if you could fill me in on straight men’s thoughts regarding women with short hair? Mary Elizabeth Williams brought this up in an article in Salon stating that straight women with short hair are seen as less attractive by straight men. The crux being that this is often the case even if you’re as hot as Halle Berry. This is a topic that has been on my mind for some time now. I have worn my hair short, like Emma Watson short, since 2008. I love having short hair. So fun and playful! I love how, on any woman, beautiful facial features become all the more prominent when there’s less hair to shield it. However, I find that the societal ramifications of short hair (if indeed they are as far reaching as in William’s article) are making me reconsider.

I am 5’10” and a size 4, and I’m not sure what effect my hair has had on either drawing men to or away from me. I have gotten compliments from straight men on my hair (perhaps just to get me into bed that night?), but primarily from my gay male friends, girlfriends, and random women and gay males. I have had a live-in boyfriend during part of the time I had short hair and he loved it (he and Heath Ledger may be in the minority?).

Not that I want Patti Stanger to dictate my life, but I do wonder if I’m limiting my “datability” by having short hair, and I’m actually considering growing it because of this. I’m single and pushing thirty. I feel hot, but wonder since I’m in the position I’m in whether or not I’m doing the whole love-thing right. My hair quandry is a part of this. Part of me thinks that if a man would not be interested in me just because he’s not into short hair I should just be like “F- him!” The other part of me wonders what sort of message I may be sending unknowingly.

I’m getting the message that if I want a LTR that short hair is the wrong way to go even in creative circles. I hope this is not so, but if it is I’d rather know now.

Okay, all apologies, but I have to approach this first from a media standpoint. Mary Elizabeth Williams is playing mind games. She pins her lead about the unpopularity of short hair to Michelle Williams, who then says, “I cut it for the one straight man who has ever liked short hair and I wear it in memorial of somebody who really loved it.” Yow. Okay. I’ve actually seen that quote somewhere before, but still, all I can think of is Ryan Gosling’s eyebrows turning up in the middle and him saying, “But I like your short hair,” somewhat psychotically, and then backing out the door in silence, never breaking his gaze [jazz snaps]. How is her story relevant to any average reader?

I mean, I get it. Michelle Williams has a movie out in which she plays The Sexiest Woman of All Time™ and she has a pixie cut. Online editors have a billion deadlines every day, so why not? But here’s why not: people read this. And then they can’t help but feel things. M.E. Williams then references the Maxim Hot 100 (A. Is it 1999? B. Not an open competition C. 90 actresses, 9 pop stars, 1 Russian spy) and positions Halle Berry in the rebel faction. If memory serves, Berry has had short hair pretty regularly since, and probably before, Boomerang and was the unanimous sexiest woman in the world for all of the ’00s. In fact, one could argue that she is the Marilyn Monroe of our time. Or my time. How old are you? Why is this whole article about actresses with short hair, anyway? Actresses are not real people. Will there be a trendpiece in 50 years about long hair with quotes from a long-haired actress playing Halle Berry with short hair in a movie?

All I can tell you is this: there is no such thing as “straight men’s thoughts.” Straight and gay men have as varied tastes as you and your girlfriends or anyone else. However, empirically, I would guess that about a third of my male friends’ girlfriends or wives have short hair, and not because they don’t want to get it caught in the door of the minivan while cleaning baby vomit off the running boards. They just think it looks good, and so do their men.

So basically, “Part of me thinks that if a man would not be interested in me just because he’s not into short hair I should just be like ‘F- him!’” This part of you is correct.

Hello, Dude. How are you, Dude? I’m seeking out someone who is not afraid to verbally slap a girl and then tell her why she needed it. I think the slapee is me, and I’m hoping the slapper is you.

Here’s my story:

My boyfriend is great. Caring, compassionate, hilarious, smart, affectionate, and honest. Very honest, in the most important ways. Of allllll the reasons I have to be jealous or suspicious, he offers up all the information I need to be fully satisfied that he is damn good to me. Exhibit A: Me: I’m insecure and jealous that you’re still friends with your sexy/awesome ex-girlfriend that you dated for six months, but still feel in love with, who dumped you two years ago and you’ve been platonic friends ever since. Him: Well, to be honest, I DID still like her for a while after we broke up. But I got over it and moved on and we were able to stay friends. And then I met you, and you’re so much better and I’d never risk losing you. Me: (in a whiny toddler voice) HMPH! I’m still jealous! Wah wah wah … Exhibit B: Me: That random girl is obviously hitting on you and flirting with you, it’s driving me nuts!! Him: Well, I don’t think she is, but I’ve made it very clear you’re my girlfriend and that you’re standing right over here, so she can’t possibly have any hope, but if it makes you feel better I’ll tell her the way she’s acting is making me uncomfortable (and then he actually did!) Me: Well, I still don’t want to her to talk you! Wah wah wah … (Might be worth pointing out sometimes he truly can be naïve, and so his friendliness is easy to misconstrue as flirting, but here he was being genuine.) Exhibit C: Sometimes I actually go out of my way to make him jealous, in a sense to make him feel as crazy as I do, and he responds very cool and reasonably.

By now, from the evidence I’ve given you, you can probably deduce the #1 reason why he’s the greatest is that HE PUTS UP WITH ALL MY IMMATURE SHIT! I already know that I’m acting like a child and it’s going to ruin my relationship if I don’t stop. But I have no explanation for why I am this way. He has never shown any indication that he would ever cheat on me, but somehow I keep convincing myself of all these reasons of why he would. His co-workers are all young and DTF, it’s possible he secretly does have feelings for his ex, maybe he’s never actually taking a lunch break but is getting it on in his building’s parking garage. THIS SERIOUSLY ALL RUNS THROUGH MY HEAD!

Our relationship got very close very fast, we dated long distance for three months, then moved to the same state and into an apartment together. That was a year ago. Now we’re in loooOOOooovve, talk about marriage, and are planning to move to Australia together. We’re close in age (I’m 25 to his 29), but he has A LOT more experience in dating than I do. He was all Mr. Dating Into Monogamy and I was all Ms. Play Every Field There Is. From these experiences of dating and sleeping around in college, I did pick a negative generalization that guys ALWAYS think with their dicks first, and whatever the D wants come first. Could that be it? I’m also an only child … any thoughts there?

I seriously have NO IDEA why I’m such a jealous freak. He doesn’t ask for much freedom in our relationship (because he genuinely enjoys spending time with me, we have a blast together), but I feel like if we did I would have a hard time handling it. That’s CRAAAZY, right?? I’ve made a solid effort not to let this jealousy gobble him up too much, but sometimes it hits me so hard I lose my appetite and my hands start to shake.

Please, Dude … DUUUUUDDDEEE, give me the magical combination of words to explain away my gnawing jealousy issues!

Hello, Lady. It’s a little cool in my apartment, but otherwise I am fine. Thank you for asking.

How are you?

Oh, right. Well, there is no magical combination of words to explain this behavior actually. For the first time, I am at a loss. You have dumbstruck A Dude a little bit.

By your account, you’re either dating the most patient human being on earth or a pathological liar. And since you haven’t given very much evidence to support the latter, I can only say that you need to calm down and grow up. I don’t know why you’re so jealous. I also don’t know that your behavior is attributable to being an only child or the fact that you slept around a little bit in college (commenters: isn’t that what college is for?). I could combine the two with the general fever of your writing and guess that you were spoiled by your parent(s) and still feel like you should have everything and be the center of attention, but that would be total conjecture.

So, I don’t know. Maybe you shouldn’t get married or move to Australia yet. Slap?

Previously: The Erotica Decoder Ring.

A Dude is one of several rotating dudes who know everything. Do you have any questions for A Dude?

Photo by OlegD, via Shutterstock