Which Venomous Spider Are You?

by Sarah Carter

It’s the age-old arbiter of arachnid angst: who are you, really? Are you a shy wallflower, a sultry man-eater, or a fast-paced city dweller? There’s only one way to be sure! Gather a group of your best buds and sink your chelicerae into this revealing quiz!

1. Ugh! It’s 6 a.m. on a Monday morning and you’re getting dressed for work. You put on:
a. A shiny black dress with a sexy red belt — look out, world! Here I come!
b. Brown, brown, brown! When I find something that works, I stick with it … but sometimes I’ll spice up my look with white or gray.
c. I love patterns! Stripes, polka dots, inverted v-shapes on my abdomen, bring ’em on.

2. You and your girlfriends are at brunch on a Saturday afternoon, gossiping over mimosas and eggs Benny! How would your ladies describe you?
a. I’m pretty active! Always looking for my next great meal or decorating my house — and there’s nothing I love more than warming my glossy chitin skin in the desert sun.
b. I’m a bit of a klutz! With my dainty, smooth feet, I have to work hard to scale walls. Give me some folded blankets in the attic any day!
c. I love the outdoors — retaining walls, debris — nothing inspires me like the beauty of nature! But during winter, I like to snuggle up in an empty bathtub or scuttle along the baseboards of a toasty kitchen.

3. A Sunday night finds you:
a. Learning the steps to the Single Ladies music video with 8 glasses of red wine on hand — the bristles on my hind legs give me a killer high kick!
b. Taking in the latest Twilight book with all six of my eyes!
c. On my neighborhood watch shift! There are always some rowdy mantises in need of roughing up.

4. You’re at the hottest restaurant in town! You order your favorite meal:
a. Mmm, caterpillars braised with digestive enzymes! I like my meat tender.
b. If it’s a special occasion, I’ll splurge on a cockroach! Nothing like al dente antennae.
c. Give me the insides of a grasshopper any day! I’ll leave the exoskeleton to the scavengers.

5. Your apartment is:
a. Big, lofty and dramatic! I love conversation pieces — that’s why I hang my cocoon from the ceiling!
b. A dark, quiet nook with lots of heavy wood. I love the natural feel, and it keeps me warm and dry on cold nights!
c. A gauzy, funnel-shaped, bohemian paradise!

6. At a bar one night, you meet a super-cute dude! You plan the perfect date:
a. After a luscious dinner out, back to my place for some hanky-panky and then I’ll eat his head!
b. He dances for me, and if I like it, maybe he’ll get lucky!
c. I’ll make him work for it — I like to play hard to get! He has to follow my scent and once he’s found me, he’s a goner.

7. LOL! You are finally writing that online dating profile you’ve been putting off for months! What do you say about your looks?
a. I’m a curvy gal! My venom glands bring all the boys to the yard!
b. I’m willowy with long legs, and a cute little cephalothorax!
c. Baby, I’ve got double spinnerets — I’m twice as fun!

If you answered mostly A…

Whoa! Gentlemen, step back! You’re a black widow, one of the world’s most fearsome arachnids! Found all over the globe, you and your many cousins love a good one night stand. You’re not the type to put up with the nonsense of whether he’ll call you back; instead, you put an end to your passionate nights with a quick decapitation. But you have a softer side — you watch over your hundreds of spiderlings until they’ve mostly eaten each other. Then those suckers are on their own, and you’re back to being the sauciest babe in town!

If you answered mostly B…

You’re a brown recluse! You prefer peace and quiet, and you’re a pretty solitary spider. Sure, you love to hunt your prey, but you’d just as soon curl up with some cat videos on the Internet as you would prowl garages and sheds for invasive fire ants! You tend to attract guys who love to perform, the perfect compliment to your more reserved style. You’ll only lay about 40 eggs at a time, but the world better not be fooled by your shy demeanor: you’ll make a fierce mother, guarding your spiderlings with all your might.

If you answered mostly C…

Surprise! You’re a hobo spider! Often mistaken for a brown recluse, you come out of your shell in urban environments. You love to hop from place to place, especially during mating season. You love the pace of city life, and it inspires your creativity! You weave elaborate webs that work as snares, trapping your food until you’re ready to eat, because busy ladies like you just don’t have time to cook every night! Unlike other spiders, your feet leave a distinctive perfume behind — enticing to the males of your species! You’re the classic girl next door, and men pursue you in hopes of being lucky enough to make some spiderlings with such a desirable lady.

Sarah Carter just moved to New York City. Do you want to be her friend?

Image by Binkski, via Shutterstock