Qrafting With Qream

So, you bought some Qream. And then you baked a bunch of stuff with it and made all your friends drink it and now you don’t really have friends anymore. Instead, you have this overtly yonic, Louis Vuitton-esque bottle gathering dust on your dresser. You want to hate this bottle. You know you should, because the contents were gross and you should just recycle it and move on with a life of sampling the finer liqueurs out there. But then again, it’s sorta pretty, right? It’s not just like any other bottle. Maybe it would be a shame to throw it away. Maybe it’s time to buy some enamel paint.

Okay, so what we’re doing here is essentially gussying up this bottle to make it an acceptable vase. Yes, the opening is still pretty narrow but I don’t have a glass-cutting saw in my house and I am NOT spending that kind of money over Qream. You can’t make me, Pharrell! So we’re going to get just a little qrafty and paint the inside of this bottle, and maybe decorate some of the little crowns and such, and it’ll be super pretty and decorative!

You’ll need:

– A few bottles of enamel paint. You can pick these up at pretty much any crafts store. I used two 1/4 oz. bottles of Testors paint in blue, but please, go nuts. I also bought one 1/4 oz. bottle of gold paint, for detailing.

– A tiny, tiny paintbrush, to paint the details on the outside of the bottle.

– A bunch of newspaper/old towels to protect your work surface.

1. Set up a nice menagerie of objects on your table. You want to set a mood.

2. Peel off the stickers and then go over and over and over the bottle with goo-gone. If you don’t have that, use rubbing alcohol, and take even longer. Maybe you’ll want to pair this with a scotch and soda for yourself.

3. Realize the rubbing alcohol isn’t working. Try nailpolish remover. Realize the nailpolish remover isn’t working. Realize you should have called Jolie before even trying this whole mess.

4. Remember that you have a bunch of Magic Eraser sponges under your sink, and freak out your housemates by how fast you run into the kitchen to get them. Wet them and start scrubbing. You will be scrubbing for what feels like forever, but it’ll probably be only about 15 minutes. Twenty? Your boyfriend might come up behind you and ask you what you’re doing. Just yell “DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT” and he should go away. (Please, just buy the goo-gone.)

5. Now your bottle is nice and shiny clean! Next, make sure the inside is completely dry and pour one bottle of enamel paint in there. Then slowly swirl it around so it coats all the sides. This may take a while, so just sit on the couch and watch some TV while moving the bottle around in your hands. Now, there are two ways to do this. First, you could coat the sides with this, let it dry completely and let it be, which will give you sort of a stained glass look. Or you could let the first layer dry and then pour in the second bottle and do the same thing for a more opaque look. Your call!

6. Turn bottle upside down and let dry. This may take a few days, so make sure it’s in a place where your cats can’t get to it. I know, I know, they’re filthy and get rid of them. Try telling that to a roommate!

7. Time to detail! Dip your little brush ever so slightly into the “accent color” and start going over the fleur-de-lis and crown details on the bottle. Again, this might take a while.

8. Let dry and omg! Look at that pretty bottle!

Now, this is just what I did because I like doing crafts but I’m not particularly artistic. But there are all sorts of stuff you could do with enamel paints and this bottle! You could swirl colors around on the inside! You could paint it to look even more like a vulva! You could coat it with baby pink, paint a Q on the front and prank your friends! Oh god don’t do that, you’ll have no friends. But really, the sky is the limit, and if you don’t want to deal with the whole inside-swirling thing it would be pretty easy to just paint the outside of the bottle. Hey, you should probably leave your qrafting ideas in the qomments!

Previously: The Qream Qocktail Qontest.

Jaya Saxena wants to do more qrafting with Qream, but that means buying more Qream, doesn’t it?