Namesakes and the Air Force

by A Lady

I am 22 years old, I graduated from college a year and half ago, and I have been working in an IR/security job since. I’m also applying to grad school for public policy programs, and I think I have a pretty decent shot at gaining admission. But… for the last few months (which I realize is not that long!), I’ve had a hankering to join the military. I feel this way for a couple of reasons: a) because the people in our military are freakin’ awesome, and I want to help them serve, b) I work (and will probably do so in the future too) in the national security arena, and the military experience can be valuable, and 3) to get some balls-out leadership experience.

Are there any ‘Pinners in the military right now? Am I romanticizing military service too much? I’m a really small, really puny female but I’m in pretty good health and shape. I run, but I would need to pick up my capacity to do push-ups (puniness, you see), and the Air Force seems like the best fit for me (woman-friendly, no minimum weight requirements). I should also add that military service has never been even slightly on my family’s radar, and I know they would fall out of their chair if I even began to air these thoughts. Is this all just a pipe dream?

I grew up in a really liberal, tweedy town, and when the smartest girl in my high school said she wanted to join the Air Force, I was in awe of her. She then followed it with “… but I can’t, because I don’t have perfect vision.” Which was dramatic in an inverse way. Except quick research reveals, as I’m sure you know, that members of the Air Force don’t need perfect vision at all (and the other parts of this Air Force eligibility section are also fascinating). She ended up becoming a neurobiologist.

In any case, it sounds like a terrific idea, although I’d maybe wait a full year to see if it’s something you still want to commit to. And since I don’t have any further suggestions — writing anonymous advice on the internet being about as far from joining the military as you can get, I think — I’ll turn this over to the commenters and anyone who has firsthand experience.

Okay, so I really don’t know if this is an A Lady-worthy question, and I’m also not sure if I’m being over-sensitive or maybe even insensitive, but here goes.

My mother died when I was two — about 19 years ago. This is okay most of the time, my dad is wonderful, and I recently acquired a lovely stepmother. My mum’s best friend (call her Jo), though, has also been a big part of my life, and with no kids of her own she’s always spoilt me rotten, which was pretty okay with me! This year, after much trying she’s had a daughter of her own, which is great (I’m throwing my hat in the ring to be the cool aunt).

Here’s the thing, though: she named her daughter after my mum. Which in theory is really lovely, but I was a little iffy since I want to name my own daughter after my mother when the time comes, and have even managed to convince my boyfriend that this is a good thing (he thought it might be awkward with all our other assorted mother figures). I decided to just run with it, though, since Jo was so excited and emotional about it, but I guess I would have liked it if she’d asked me, and they don’t even call the baby by the same nickname. Except now Jo’s going around calling the baby my mother’s “namesake.”

Can there be only one namesake? Should I just suck this up? Talk to Jo? Go ahead and name my baby what I want since that apparently is the precedent here?

This is a sensitive situation, but I think ultimately there is a simple solution, which is to name your daughter after your mother when the time comes, if that’s still what you want. Knowing that the people she cared about most in the world are naming their children after her would probably make your mother incredibly happy. If I died and two of my closest friends/relatives named their daughters after me, it would be the sweetest, most wonderful thing, if there were some way for me to know about it.

And there can definitely be more than one namesake! Absolutely. It’s in the rules!

Plus if you’re 21, you might not have a daughter for many years, at which point who knows what your relationship with Jo’s daughter will be. And even if you’re closer with her than ever (cool aunt!), she’ll be at a different stage of life than your daughter would, which I imagine would help with any overlapping. (And it might be kind of lovely to imagine your mother’s name cycling through different generations of women she affected. Sort of like that three-deaths theory: death one when you die, death two when anyone you’ve ever met dies, and death three the last time your name is spoken aloud.)

I don’t think it’s worth saying anything to Jo, because there’s pretty much no chance she’s going to rename her baby, and the “baby-name-dibs” game is terrifying. It is strange that she didn’t tell you she was planning to name her daughter after your mother in the first place, agreed, and that’s definitely something you should bring up with her, if it continues to bother you. “Jo, I’m so happy and touched that you named [Gorgeous Baby] after my mother, and I just wanted to let you know that I’m planning to do the same if and when the time comes!” That’ll at least put you on the same page, and Jo really can’t be annoyed about that — the name does come from your family.

So I have this ex I’m still in love with. We broke up about five months ago, but we still are best friends and we hang out all the time. I’d like very much to resume a romantic relationship with him, but the circumstances of our breakup have been holding me back. The night before I broke up with him, I had phone sex with a friend from cyber space. At the time, the ex and I were trying to do long distance, but neither of us were communicating very well, and I think that my cheating was a rationalization that involved a very sympathetic, attractive man on the other line and feelings of alienation and apathy from my current relationship.

After it happened, I felt really awful about it and broke it off with my ex the next day, but I never told him what really happened. Fast forward five months, and I’m back in town, still completely in love with him. I have spent countless hours trying to figure out what to do. My guilt is pretty much endless, and I feel like an idiot for cheating on a person that I truly believe is my soulmate. I know that I would need to come clean with him if we ever tried to get back together, but I don’t know if hurting him is worth it. Should I keep doing what I’ve been trying to do, and let him go? Or should I try to make things work?

Hm. So presumably the long-distance thing is over? Also, what did you say to your boyfriend when you broke up with him?

Since I’m guessing the answer to the first is “yes” and the answer to the second is a variation on”’It’s not working, we’re too far apart,’ etc. etc.,” I’d say first figure out if you actually, truly do want to get back together with him, and that it’s not just some grass-is-greener/forbidden-fruit situation. Which is what it kind of sounds like to me, although admittedly I don’t understand the “redating” concept in general, and would never get back together with any of my exes in a million years/if you paid me/last man on earth/ten-foot pole. (… Wait.)

But if you really do want to make it work, and you still feel this ocean of guilt, then I think you should tell him. Because oceans of guilt don’t go away, or if they do, they do so at the expense of intimacy and lots of other good things, and it will be a huge relief to not feel guilty anymore. There’s a decent chance being honest with him about the indiscretion could help reconnect you — people respect being told the truth. Recall the last time someone told you something you didn’t want to hear. Even if it was crushing, chances are part of you felt grateful the person respected you enough to do so.

And I know it’s a slippery slope, but as far as cheating goes, phone sex isn’t as bad as sex-sex! Because phone sex is ridiculous!!

(Also, soulmates were invented by DeBeers, right? i.e. there is no such thing!)

Previously: Frustration All Around.

A Lady is one of several rotating ladies who know everything. Do you have any questions for A Lady?

Photo by anse, via Shutterstock