Frustrating Breakups, Jobs, and Hairstyles

by A Lady

About three months ago my boyfriend of about two years broke up with me. I know most breakups are messy, but this breakup was extra messy. We’re in the same graduate program, 100% of our friends are mutual, we lived together and I had to move, then he tried to get back together, and since then he has been aggressively (and transparently) pretending he’s fine by aggressively hitting on/making out with women at social events we mutually attend. The important takeaway is that this guy definitely still has feelings for me. (Also that he is extremely immature.) We are on friendly terms (in public) at this point basically because otherwise we’ll alienate all of our friends.

This week, one of my ex’s friends from college started emailing me. The first was courteous — just checking to see how you are doing, etc. etc. — but when I responded to that one, the emails took a turn for the overtly sexual. Moreover, one of them contained a pretty disparaging comment about my ex not being good enough for me (specifically, not attractive enough). I responded to one of the more recent emails by telling him I wasn’t interested. So far, he’s been respectful of that and hasn’t contacted me again.

At the very least, I think my ex should know that his friend has been pursuing me. The guy is clearly a bad friend and as much as I can’t stand my ex right now, he deserves better. At the same time, I don’t really owe my ex anything and have been trying to involve him in my life as little as is feasible given the circumstances. Do I say something? At what level of vagueness?

To be honest, what it sounds like is that you still have feelings for your ex, which is natural, and you want to tell him that his friend is pursuing you to make him jealous, at least in small part, and you want to dress it up in the sheepskin of doing good. Which is exactly what he’s doing to you with the party make outs and all that, minus the sheepskin. (Which is gross of him, no question. No one ever needs to make out in public, in this Lady’s opinion, and certainly not when exes are around.)

So, your ex sounds kind of sad and at-sea, and his college friend sounds like not the most charming guy in the world, either. (Is that guy even his friend, still, really? Friends from college are usually shed before the five-year reunion, in this Lady’s experience, although, admittedly, this Lady does not have a lot of friends, but that is awesome for this Lady.) So, you’re all either doing or about to do semi-shady things to one another, but you’re the only one in this mini-drama who hasn’t yet crossed over into the shadows. So, stay in the light. Firmly tell college-buddy that you’re not interested, and look the other way, pityingly, when your ex makes out with whoever at wherever party you all go to where public make outs aren’t frowned upon. Better yet, skip those parties altogether.

Pubic hair is the worst, and I just can’t seem to get rid of mine! I have tried shaving, creams, and waxing. All of which leaves me red and bumpy, or gives me horrible ingrown hairs (the worst of which was waxing … it was almost two months ago and I still haven’t recovered). I’ve tried to make do with just trimming, but I’d like a tidier look down there. Is there a step I’m missing or some secret that everyone but me knows? I’ve tried exfoliating before removing, but maybe I’m doing it wrong? I’ve also tried slathering with moisturizer and putting on that special Dove “made for after shaving” deodorant. I’m also really pale, which means those red bumps/ingrown hairs take FOREVER to fully disappear. I’m at my wits end here, and I’m sick of feeling like a caveman! What can I do, A Lady?

It’s been a minute since we talked pubic hair on this site, let’s shake things back up! Haha. No, but quick answer: I’m pale, too, I can’t shave or it’s a mess, I can’t wax or it’s a mess for months (red marks, ingrown hairs, what up), and trimming takes forever and feels weird. Like snip snip snip, snip snip snip, ahhh, done! Waaaait, and then my obsessive side kicks in and it’s like three hours later and I have a cramp in my neck because I’ve been staring at my crotch, tweezing/trimming/whatevering, and it looks worse than it did before.

So, it’s been said on other excellent women’s blogs (I’ll never forget the day I read it on Jezebel), but yes, I use a beard trimmer. This one — it costs like $8 at CVS. Keeps it short but eliminates the possibility of ingrowns. Plus I also just don’t care. I used to think guys needed it to be all waxed, but that is sincerely not the case. I’ve had hot, frequent sex with lots of guys who just don’t care, either. At all. Oral sex, not an issue either. Yeah, you can’t get everything with a beard trimmer (real talk: what about my butt?), but maybe I just need to buy a fancier, closer-shearing one. But also, not really, because not-caring has been awesome. Although I do miss the satisfaction of getting those ingrown hairs out.

And while I’m here, I’d like to share a story of the guy I dated who, I was startled to find, had shaved all his own pubic hair off. I don’t know, I guess that’s not a story after all, but it was weird and horrible. On like four levels. And after that, I figure let’s all just be clean versions of our natural selves.

I’ve been at my job for a few years. I don’t love it, but I don’t hate it either. The environment is pretty laid back, the work itself isn’t difficult, and my coworkers are funny, interesting, and we all get along really well. On the flip side, I’m not challenged, I’m bored, and I’m horribly underpaid to the point where I’m having a hard time paying my bills. I’ve been job searching for two years with a couple months off here and there to focus on side jobs and projects. In that time, I had one phone interview six months ago and one actual interview over a year ago. That’s IT. I know it’s a tough economy and recession and all that stuff, but it’s really hard not to take it personally that I haven’t heard from anyone. I’ve had friends go over my resume with a fine-toothed comb and there are no incriminating Facebook photos of me out there, so not even getting an interview really smarts. It’s especially hard not to feel resentful when friends and acquaintances get new jobs.

HOWEVER, I feel guilty for feeling this way because I’m totally aware of how lucky I am to have a job at all and that there are people who would kill for a job with benefits. But the guilt doesn’t make my previous bad feelings go away, and when I read articles about how being underpaid at a young age can lead to a lifetime of lost wages, I feel even worse until I’m this walking cocktail of guilt and resentment.

SO MANY FEELINGS. I really need some advice on how to keep my chin up and the negativity down.

Hmm. That IS frustrating, for sure, although a job where you don’t get along with your coworkers would definitely help put this in perspective. Not that I wish that upon you or anyone, just that jobs where you like the people you work with are few and far between.

That said, I’ve found that the most important job leads I’ve gotten have had less to do with resumes and more to do with people I meet at parties/events, and with whom I follow up later via email. Or have more to do with cool people in my field I invited out to coffee so I could pick their brain and put a name to a face, and so that when I email them later, they’re less inclined to delete/not read it. (Always ask objects of professional affection out for “a quick coffee” — never drinks or dinner. Coffee is hard to refuse, whereas drinks/dinner can be endless, so the person you’re asking might say no because they don’t want to be trapped for an hour and a half with a stranger.)

After years of frustration, I’m now at a job that I love, and I’m incredibly grateful for that. But I’ve worked really hard to get where I am, and there were years when I was sending my resume into the abyss and hearing nothing (nothing! NOTHING!), and there were other years when I was working a job I despised, with people who stared at my boobs and made Family Guy jokes 40 times a day, so I put myself out there on the DL and applied, interviewed for, and was rejected from nine different jobs in the span of 16 months. That’s a little different than your scenario, because I did get the interviews, but it still really stung. Aaand I still hold grudges from that period and relish the subsequent failures of the people who rejected me. No, just one specific person.

But anyway. It’s also hard to know when to quit, especially if you’re trying to get into a field in which very few people succeed long-term. For instance, if I knew you were an actor, I’d say quit now! Quit now! The odds are so against you, it’s like wandering a casino for 40 years. But on the other hand, you can’t just tell someone what they should and shouldn’t be doing, so — work as hard as you can, especially on things that are important to your field, even if they’re not necessarily financially rewarding just yet. Take people out for coffee. Talk with people at parties.

Oh! And email people compliments. When someone does something you admire, email them and tell them so. You never know where it’ll lead, and there’s nothing to lose. Plus it feels good.

I have a very close little posse of friends I’ve collected via various means — some of us went to college together, some worked together, etc. One of these friends, a lady, started dating a guy earlier this year that she met online. We met him, he seemed nice, she liked him, we were all into it. A couple months after they started dating, he did some things that were clear indicators that he is an untrustworthy douchebag. I don’t want to get into too many specifics, but he violated her trust and she was pissed, we heard all about it, they stopped seeing each other. They were never exclusive at this point. Then she went abroad for the summer, as did he.

Cut to: she is back home and now dating this guy again, exclusively. We all can’t stand him/can’t forgive him for hurting her, but she is dickmatized and says we just need time to trust him again. (She, apparently, doesn’t?) We want to let her realize on her own that a) she is crazy because YOU DATED HIM FOR LIKE THREE MONTHS TOPS WHY DID YOU MAKE THIS EXCLUSIVE and b) he is no good for her, or anyone.

We are all going to the wedding of another member of our posse in a couple weeks (in a place we need to fly to) and she is bringing this guy, and all of us are dreading it. We don’t want to be like “we hate yo man” because that would make the wedding awkward and also we have already said it to her. But we don’t want to have to pretend to like him. How do we handle this? We want to be good friends and we are not afraid to dole out some tough love, but we don’t really know what that tough love entails in this situation.

Hmm. I’d actually say the tough love here would be for you and your friends to give this guy another shot. It’s hard to say, though, without actually knowing what the trust-violation was (did he cheat on her? Tell a secret of hers? Steal from her?). You’re probably the best judge of that, but from where I’m sitting, I’d say it’s impossible to know what other people’s relationships are like, and if he’s not abusing her, and they presumably worked through the trust-violation issue, then … you’re sort of out of luck.

As a wiser Lady once said … ahh, something about “I don’t like my friend’s boyfriend” being written on a cave wall at the dawn of time. (Ed. — “There are legitimately millions of cave paintings of women going like, ‘him? Are you sure? Are you sure you’re sure?’ to their best friends.”) “DTMFA” sit-downs with friends rarely go well: desire is often immune to reason, and if your friend wants to be with this guy, she will. And if you come out as more than slightly anti-him, based on this trust-violation that she’s presumably put behind her, then you will undoubtedly see her less. It’s also possible she’d not only disregard your advice but confide in him that you’re not his biggest fan, and then they’d potentially become this frustrating duo encircling themselves with a wall of shared secrets (“she said you’re an asshole,” “she’s the asshole,” “right?” “right”), and the bigger the wall, the harder it is for you to get … over the moat? Anyway: short answer, try not to say anything, and be there for her if/when she needs it.

But if he’s abusing or otherwise seriously mistreating her that’s a whole other story. I hope that’s not the case.

Then again, friends pairing off with people you’re not crazy about is one of the many normal reasons people (and close-knit friendship circles) drift apart, which is a natural and inevitable part of getting older. Friendships can also move in cycles, where you reconnect with people years down the line, or don’t, or who knows. Five years ago I almost got my best friend’s smiling face tattooed as a tramp stamp, but I didn’t, and now we rarely talk because she lives in a different country. She’s still awesome, though, but that’s just how things turn out sometimes.

Previously: Cleft Lips and Unamusingly Horrible Bosses.

A Lady is one of several rotating ladies who know everything. Do you have any questions for A Lady?

Photo by Yco, via Shutterstock