That Movie You Should Watch on Netflix Instead of That Movie Released in Theaters Today

by Bobby Finger

If you don’t want to pay $13 to see a movie this weekend, watch a complementary title available instantly from Netflix instead. Or don’t. Or maybe you should just turn on the old TV and watch The Playboy Club because I heard it wasn’t that horrendous and, you know, the ’60s and Mad Men and all that and ouch it just got canceled so never mind. Or what about that show Free Agents, right? It has Hank Azaria and you loved him in The Birdcage and The Simpsons, so that’s a plus, not to mention the female lead whom you’ve seen in a million things — what was her name again? Jenna? Madeline? Something like Florence? No that’s the band. Was she in a band? KATHRYN! Her name is Kathryn. And OK yeah it was just canceled, too. Is there a Golden Girls rerun on? Not now? Fine, watch anything but Whitney.

Instead of The Ides of March:
For many people, the idea of avoiding a new Ryan Gosling movie to watch something on Netflix Instant is like skipping your grandmother’s 100th birthday party to celebrate the high school graduation of a stranger down the street. Though I’m sure some of you are shaking your head and shouting “BLASPHEMER” at the mere thought of an alternative to the irreplaceable Gosling, I have a suggestion for those willing to push him to the left. There was a time when Robert Redford was America’s favorite leading man, and because Ryan Gosling seems to be following in his footsteps, a nice complement to The Ides of March is the great prison-centered political thriller Brubaker. It should be enjoyable to watch Gosling’s career continue to mirror Redford’s and discover whether or not, in 25 years, my mother will look at me and say, “He certainly hasn’t aged well.”

Instead of Real Steel:
After finally accepting Real Steel as a real movie that is really being released in the real universe of my reality, I suffered through many sleepless nights during which I stared at the lamp on my nightstand wondering if it would one day fight another lamp in a futuristic boxing ring. Long after I’m dead, would Hugh Jackman find it in a landfill and think (in an Australian accent), “This here would make a good fighter,” and then say (in an American accent), “This here would make a good fighter.” Would there be a precocious child assisting him in training my old bedside lamp to fight other unemployed bedside lamps? In a world where Real Steel can exist and receive positive reviews from critics, my bedside lamp definitely has a shot in the Underground Metallic Objects Boxing League of the future. And in that world, your best bet this weekend is avoiding Real Steel and watching Heartbeeps because Bernadette Peters and Andy Kaufman are more believable as robots than actual steel.

Instead of The Human Centipede 2:
Ipecac.

Previously: Ladies in Kerchiefs.

Bobby Finger is excited about being 24 days away from when it’s socially acceptable to watch Love Actually again.