That Movie You Should Watch on Netflix Instead of That Movie Released in Theaters Today

by Bobby Finger

If you don’t want to pay $13 to see a movie this weekend, watch a complementary title available instantly from Netflix instead. Or don’t. Or realize that today is your sister’s birthday and brainstorm selections for a celebratory movie marathon that the two of you would watch if you both lived in the same city. It would probably begin with a breakfast of eggs and grits while watching My Cousin Vinny, and transition into the ultra-violence and illiteracy of Freeway with Reese Witherspoon and Kiefer Sutherland. As a break from the blood, we’d watch Heart and Souls, followed by a nice Shirley MacLaine double feature of Two Mules for Sister Sara and In Her Shoes. For dinner we’d have BBQ ribs while watching the cannibals in Ravenous, and then we’d close it off with Overboard because it’s common knowledge that every day should end with a Randy Newman song.

Instead of Paranormal Activity 3:
I’m not sure whether this was because I didn’t see it in a theater filled with screaming teenagers or because it was a terrible movie, but the original Paranormal Activity put me to sleep faster than The Tree of Life. And though it’s available to watch on instant, I can’t in good faith recommend that anyone sit through its repetitive, insufferable night-vision. Instead, why don’t you just watch every single episode of Ghost Whisperer, write a recap of each, and email them to me so that I don’t have to watch every single episode of Ghost Whisperer myself. I’ve been curious to see just how terrible it is, but don’t feel like putting in the effort.

Instead of The Three Musketeers 3D:
I know we’ve all wanted to see D’Artagnan in 3D since the technology was invented, but it isn’t worth the extra money when there are better Dumas adaptations available for free. Instead of watching boring musketeers in boring period costumes sporting their boring facial hair while they fight with boring swords, watch David Hasselhoff play the descendant of an original musketeer who has some kind of issue with whatever bad guy in whichever city. Details are unnecessary for a movie that stars David Hasselhoff and Cheech Marin.

Instead of Martha Marcy May Marlene:
This Sundance favorite may be Elizabeth Olsen’s first movie, but you can still keep movie night Olsen-centric by watching Elizabeth’s sisters, Mary Kate and Ashley, in Getting There: Sweet 16 and Licensed to Drive. I haven’t seen it (or have I?) (I haven’t) (or have I?), but I’m certain the perfect complement to Martha Marcy May Marlene’s hypnotic story about a young woman’s troubled relationships with her family and an abusive cult are the happenings, oopsie-daisies, and general goings-on of two best friends/twin sisters who, after receiving their licenses, drive into a whole heap of family-friendly trouble at the Winter Olympics in Salt Lake City, Utah!

Instead of Johnny English Reborn:
Watch Rowan Atkinson’s 3-minute gift wrapping scene from Love Actually.

Previously: Hello, Robert Redford.

Bobby Finger recently watched My Girl, laughed when Anna Chlumsky screamed, “HE CAN’T SEE WITHOUT HIS GLASSES! PUT HIS GLASSES ON!” at Macauley Culkin’s post-bee sting funeral, but he feels really, really bad about it.