Long Live X Factor UK!

by KatieWalsh

Everyone’s talking about X-Factor! Is it better or worse than American Idol? How is it different than American Idol? Why do we like singing competitions so much? How is it possible for Simon Cowell to style his hair like that? I mean not in a philosophical way, how, but like physically how does he make it do that? So many questions.

I am here to posit though, friends, that X-Factor UK, original flavor, which is also currently on right now, is a far superior beast to its Stars n’ Stripes brethren. And I need you all to know this! And agree with me!

This post needs about a million disclaimers. Here’s one!

I have only been watching X-Factor US and UK via YouTube clips, on Thursday nights, usually under the influence of at least two of the following things: PMS, Jim Beam, cabernet sauvignon. I haven’t been watching all of the shows, so if there’s some nuance I missed, sorry, I was weeping too much to notice or care. I also haven’t been watching the bad auditions because I just can’t, and if I’m watching it by clips, nope, I don’t have to power through them. I just watch the ones that make me cry.

First and most important reason why X-Factor UK is better: THE JUDGING PANEL. Oh my lord, the judging panel. Here’s a rundown.

Kelly Rowland is sitting in the “Nice Lady Who Cries and Dances” seat, the one also held by Paula. But Kelly has better hair (oh my god HER BANGS! Put them on my head!), cries prettily without smudging a thing (if she doesn’t get a contract to shill for waterproof mascara, something is wrong in this world), and doesn’t do that terrible open handed seal clap of Paula’s (does P have no wrists??). Kelly is great and I’m sure she’s far better at this job than Beyoncé would be (DON’T BE MAD! Have you heard Bey talk? The woman is a supernatural goddess but she’s as dumb as a bag full of hammers).

The Simon Cowell Memorial judging panel seat is held by Gary Barlow, or, as I like to call him: Handsome Take That Mofo. Heretofore, he shall be referred to as HTTMF. I can’t call him Gary. A countenance that handsome cannot be called Gary. HTTMF always has the same look on his face: contemplative concern. Whether it’s a total trainwreck or a transcedent singing of angels, he’s always furrowing his handsome brow just a bit, handsome mouth slightly turned down in the corners, not giving a thing away. HTTMF is our benevolent leader. Our handsome, stoic king. So handsome.

Oh, what’s that, some of you heathens don’t remember Take That? BOOM 1995 in ya face. Bonus, young Robbie Williams in a faux fur coat, dancing in slow motion in the rain. Enjoy your YouTube rabbit holes, friends. I warn you, HTTMF’s hair throughout the ages is something to be endured and not enjoyed.

The Old Time Industry Big Wig seat is the one area where X Factor US has UK beat. LA Reid is a national treasure and if someone could make me a gif wall of him chair dancing, conducting or gesticulating wildly, I’d super appreciate it. Louis Walsh (I’m sorry, my distant cousin) is just like a sweet elderly elf. More chair dancing, Louis!

And now we get to the entire reason I wrote this post. The only reason I wrote it. Her name is TULISA CONTOSTAVLOS and she is the best human on this planet. She wins! Just picture Emily Blunt, only more beautiful (I know, right? I’m an asshole. Actually, Tulisa is the asshole for being prettier than Emily Blunt), but also without those distracting veneers EB got she got after Devil Wears Prada. Tulisa is the Fergie of a truly horrible rap group called N-Dubz, (England, you are killing me!), which is just all sorts of perfect. I would not recommend listening to their music, but I would highly recommend Wiki-ing Tulisa because it’s one of the more insane entries I have seen. Council Estates! Swine Flu! Cutting!

Here’s the thing about Tulisa. She is eminently poised for being 23 goddamn years old (I KNOW, RIGHT!? That is just wrong). but she’s not some uppity pretty girl snob. Tulisa is from DA STREETS. Council Estates, Camdentown, North London WHAT. Tulisa knows how to scrap. You know this. She’s your BFF that will wear something totally hideously trashy but she’s gorgeous and fun and can drink you under the table and has your back in case somethin’ goes down in the clurb. I don’t know if I want to be her, be her BFF, sex her, or wear her for a hat.

Now, Tulisa and Nicole Scherzinger both occupy the Hot Bitch seat. Here’s where Tulisa and Nicole differ: Nicole spends all her time being an Ice Queen and pulling down her mini skirt when she gives a standing ovation. She has little humanity and heart. Tulisa will tell you you suck or command you off the stage but she means the hell out of it. When some dude gets all up in her space, she’ll rep Camdentown and give him a verbal lashing. But she’s also super sincere when she likes you, is in awe, or if some adorable 15 year old boy has a crush on her. HAVE I MENTIONED THAT I WANT TO BE TULISA?

Now, contestants. I want to talk about them all! I love listening to them! This show is really helpful for learning about regional accents of the UK. Manchester? Fife? Liverpool? Brighton? Is that a bit of Scottish I detect? I also love when they say “wif” and “fink,” but I especially ESPECIALLY love it when they sing “wif” and “fink.” OKAY I’LL STOP EXOTIFYING THEM.

Is there anything better than big, beautiful rocker tattooed chicks with chola eyebrows singing the piss out of some Adele? If I can’t get behind that, I truly cannot get behind anything in this life. I’m not quite ready to deal with the fact that Jade was eliminated, but there’s no dearth of soulful lady talent, so I’m going to console myself with rapping Mischa B and this duo of divas from Essex.

And seriously, what is it that they do in Ireland to teach their girl children to sing like angels sent from heaven? How do that do that thing with their voices, where it gets all high? Like Dolores O’Riordan from The Cranberries. That yodel-y thing. Let’s make a list of stuff that makes me cry when im PMSing: stalking the Facebook profiles of exes, Irish teens who sing like yodeling angels. Is it the accent? How do they do that?! Side note: Heavy liquid eyeliner is all the rage with UK teen girls. If anyone was wondering.

I know everyone has a thing for skinny Brit rocker boys with floppy hair. It’s basically been wired into our collective unconscious since The Beatles and Stones. They have one of those too! He’s so cute! He got six girls’ names tattooed on his bum in Ibiza and his dad was totally there when he showed his bum to all of England! And loved it! You know you can’t resist him. And the best advice ever was when HTTMF said to Robbie Williams that the last thing he wants him to do is behave. Sure, Scotty McCreery is cute, but bad boys make girls literally go crazy. HTTMF is so smart. And so handsome.

Would X Factor US have a 45-year-old delightful and nerdy gay man who sings like Billie Holiday perform Cher in a full on silver trench coat with backup dancers? Is the US ready for this?! I mean, I guess we have Carson Kressly on DWTS, but he’s a known personality!

And please oh please let us have backup dancers, Daddy Simon! It’s not fair if UK gets backup dancers and we don’t!

I guess I just really like British people! And that is why X Factor UK reigns supreme. Long live the Queen!

Previously: So You Think You’re Obsessed With So You Think You Can Dance?

Katie Walsh really likes reality TV competition shows.