Drama-Minimization and Bathroom Riddles

by A Lady

Recently I’ve become much closer friends with a group of women. Though we’ve known each other for a while, it was always in a very casual context. Now, we hang out on a regular basis. They’re great, and I hope that this is just the beginning of a really solid friendship.

Here’s the thing: Two years ago I slept with one of the girls’ ex-boyfriends. At that point they were already exes, some time had passed, I think she was with another man if that even matters, but I do know (now) that the breakup was very tough on her and a prolonged source of pain. This ex-boyfriend of hers was a friend of mine. The times it happened — in both situations (as they didn’t occur in the span of a week or even a month), it was mainly the case where one thing led to another and environmental circumstances played a great influence and, well, nothing more progressed from it and in the long run it didn’t affect or alter our friendship. There were no dates or dating or anything of that sort.

Should I bring this up with her? I don’t know whether or not she knows. Have we both been going on all this time with an unspoken agreement to not discuss it? If she doesn’t know about it, I really don’t want her to have someone casually mention it to her and have her be caught off guard. Do people do that? I feel like, unfortunately I know some people who definitely get a rise out of creating that sort of drama. Regardless, I don’t want this to come up a year or two down the line and have her think that all this time I’ve been a shady person or betrayed her trust. At the same time, I’m pretty sure this blip in the past isn’t that well-known, but is that a risk worth taking?

I don’t want to behave in a way that undermines the level of respect I have for her. I also don’t want to stir up history if it is unnecessary and will cause pain. Am I stirring up my own trouble? I don’t want to ruin this friendship and by extension, my friendship with this group. Do I need to sit her down and explain it all? Shit, I do, don’t I?

You don’t! OK, that’s not exactly true, but I feel that barring a few different scenarios from playing out, I don’t think you have to sit her down and tell her. I’m gonna go ahead and assume she knows that you and her ex are if not friends, at least friendly, so clearly up until now whatever relationship you have with him hasn’t affected your friendship with her. And even if she does already know you slept with her ex, she seems to still be acting like a friend to you, right? So with that aside, your main two concerns are that a) some other friend of yours is going to blab about it, and b) your own guilt over the situation is just going to crush you and you have to tell her to get it off your chest.

Let’s start with A. Once, during a game of Truth or Dare, my boyfriend ended up learning that I had been hooking up with my ex the summer before we started dating. There’s a lot of backstory that made this revelation more uncomfortable than it sounds here, but the gist is he was caught off guard and kinda pissed at me that night. But I explained that it had been a casual thing and we weren’t dating and yadda yadda, and he admitted he already assumed that had happened, and three years later we’re still happy. So if someone who knows this happened and tells your friend (or you get drunk and blab during Truth or Dare), you can most likely have a similar conversation. Ideally that conversation will remind her that this happened after they broke up, didn’t happen that often, didn’t turn into anything serious, and was absolutely not meant to hurt her feelings.

That’s also ideally the way the conversation will go if you get all in-your-head and decide that you can’t stand this guilt, which, actually, I don’t think you feel. You called the instance a “blip,” and you’ve moved on, so hopefully you can convey that to her. Unfortunately, some women are assholes and will hold a grudge literally forever. I sincerely hope your friend is not an asshole, but only you know her well enough (or maybe one of the other women does, so ask them?) to know if she could take this in stride, even if it meant a day or two of pissiness, or if this would ruin your friendship forever.

Given that I don’t think either of these situations would happen, I really don’t think you have to tell her. This isn’t some sort of hidden information like “I know a guy she slept with has herpes” or “I’m actually fucking with her current boyfriend and feel terrible” that she truly needs to know to make an important decision in her life. It’s a non-issue, a “blip.” It would be like learning now that someone you slept with five years ago with was a virgin at the time, or something. Sure, that’s weird to know now, but what does it change? By all means if she asks, be honest, but bringing it up out of nowhere would just make you seem like one of those people who gets a “rise out of creating that sort of drama.”

My whole life I have always wanted to know the answer to this question, silly as it may be: Why do women take so long in the bathroom? Are they maybe putting down toilet paper as a protective barrier, doing period-related things, or just enjoying the not-so peaceful moments of time in the ladies’ room? Are there scientific studies for this sort of thing? I ask because of recent summer events where there is always broken bathrooms so everyone has to use just one, and the line is always a billion times longer than the guys’ line, and I find myself wondering “Why didn’t I get up earlier!? I should know by now that it takes at least 10 minutes to get through the line!” I usually try to get the deed done as fast as possible, as public bathrooms at rodeos are awful. But, Lady, why? I must know!

I have no fucking clue! My god, what is with that? I may be biased because I have gotten numerous compliments at bars for how fast I am in the restroom. Seriously, this has happened dozens of times, and my friends are constantly shocked at how fast I excuse myself for the restroom and return to the conversation. So this Lady might not be the right Lady to ask. However, an extremely scientific poll of fellow Ladies tells me that period stuff is one thing and “complicated clothing” is another, though skirts are the easiest thing to pee in and pants really aren’t too hard. Are you peeing somewhere where everyone is wearing a romper? A third issue is ladies taking the time to wipe the seat because whoever was before them peed on it. I still have no idea how this happens. Ladies, please, what is it going to take you to stop peeing on the seat?

I can’t find any studies about this, but a quick Google search about women and length of pee time actually brings up a fair amount of stuff about men taking longer to pee, so there’s that. Related: Is it just me, or does this vaginal diagram on the Female Urination Wikipedia page look like Chtulu?

I’m having an issue with a friend who is becoming incredibly needy. I’ve been buddies with Jo since we started working at the same small company five years ago. We no longer work together but we’ve gone through a cycle of catching up for a few weeks, meeting up for drinks at a bar or whatever, and then losing track of each other for a stretch of months before she’ll show back up again. When she moved out of state, I would sometimes go visit her for a weekend, and she’d cook and we’d drink wine and smoke weed and watch movies in our pajamas. It’s a strange friendship because she’s 50-some to my mid-20s-some, but she is generally up for a good time and I find her insight on people interesting. She’s been around the block, ya know? She knows things.

So in May she lost her job and came back onto my radar because she’d moved back to town and she wanted my boss to be a reference for her. A week later her shitty boyfriend of two years left her, and I tried to be a supportive friend, going out with her for drinks, giving her pep talks when she broke down, reminding her that her douchbag ex treated her like shit and she was better off. A week after that my boyfriend broke up with me, and she was eager to be as supportive of me, except that 1) every conversation we had about breakups always ended up being about her again, in fact every conversation we have tends to become about her and her job search, menopause, anxiety, inability to sleep, shitty friends, her ex, etc., ad nauseum; and 2) I have much closer friends to whom I turned for support.

The problem is not that she’s in a bad place, or that she’s looking for a friend, but that I seem to have become her #1 friend. She’s calling me at least once a week, often more, sometimes three days in a row, crying to me on the phone at whatever time of day, calling my cell and my work phone, calling my coworkers and having the call transferred if I don’t pick up. She asks what I’m up to, wants to hang out, has a hard time taking no for an answer and then asking well what about tomorrow, what am I doing this weekend, determined to snag one of my free evenings. A Lady, she’s not a bad person and she’s usually not the kind of person who can’t get her shit together, but she’s starting to smother me and I’m starting to resent her and feel used. I don’t think there’s really a nice way to be like, “Hey, Jo, you’re my mom’s age, so where the fuck are your other friends?” What do I do?

Raise your hand if you know this friend. Everyone? Good. Even if you don’t know this particular friend, I feel like most people have the friend who is trying so hard to be a good friend, but makes everything about her. I also feel like most people have a friend they consider not as close, while the friend considers you very close. So, I feel for you, girl. And unfortunately, I don’t think there’s one clear answer to all of the problems going on here. Here’s the gist of what we need to figure out: how to set boundaries with friends so they’re not filling up your social calendar, how to point out to a friend that you need someone to talk to as well, and that friendship isn’t a one-way street, how to encourage someone to make changes in their life, how to figure out if you care about Jo enough for this to be worth the energy of helping her, and how to distance yourself if you realize you don’t (and I guess how to not feel guilty about that).

First, the calling you on your coworkers’ lines is seriously nutso and has to stop. Like, red flags all over the place. Try setting some harsh boundaries and sticking to them. Say she can’t call while you’re at work, and if you have to, block her number there (phones can do that, right?). Give her one night a week you can hang out, maybe two, and, if you have to, lie about having other plans. No one ever wants to lie to their friends, but hopefully it won’t come to that.

Breakups suck, and have a tendency to become all-consuming in the aftermath. So you’re right in knowing that Jo is not who you should be turning to for the bulk of support in dealing with your breakup. But I also think that you need to call her out on turning the conversation back on herself when you’re trying to talk to her about your issues. I did this to a friend once and it worked wonders. Something so harmless as “sorry, but I really need to get this out” will signal that she’s interrupted you and remind her that you too need to talk. If you think she can handle it, wait until after she’s interrupted you with something about her problems, and point out what she just did. I would also recommend suggesting some sort of counseling to her, which I realize might be tough given that she’s unemployed, but as she’s pouring all her issues onto you remind her that you’re not an expert! You’re there for support and want her to be happy, but if she’s actually experiencing serious anxiety and insomnia she might need the help of a professional.

You’re not so much her #1 friend as, it seems, the only person in the world she talks to. Which is a much bigger problem. It sounds like Jo needs to make a lot of changes in her life, so if you have the energy (and think hard about your feelings for Jo to see if you do), you need to push her to move on. If you decide that yes, this lady has been a good friend and just needs help in a tough time, remind her every time you see her that she needs to make these changes, whether it’s being more active in looking for a new job, going on dates, MAKING NEW FRIENDS, etc. Ask her what she’s done to achieve those goals in the last week, follow up about jobs she’s applied for and ask her about other people in her life. Hopefully these conversations will take the focus off her ex and her unemployment and put it onto new people and new opportunities.

There is the distinct possibility that she has always been a Negative Nancy and you were never all that invested in this friendship until shit hit the fan and she started crying into your beer. And that’s fine! Sometimes a girl just needs to let go. A lot of this advice would still apply here: Set boundaries, encourage her to meet new people. Hell, introduce her to new people. Maybe even employ some of the same interruption tactics she had been using on you. (Does this make me sound like an awful person? I swear, I like my friends!) However, only you know how deep your friendship goes and how much you’re willing to sacrifice your time/money/sanity for her. Good luck!

There’s really no easy way to say this, but I’m slightly embarrassed by my boyfriend. Sure, guys do all kinds of gross/immature/annoying things (so do women), but I need to know what my deal is and what I can do about this embarrassment.

First, he’s amazing. He treats me like a queen, gives me lots of affection, we communicate well, he’s intelligent and we share a similar sense of humor. Our sex life is still exciting. After nearly three years, I still feel like I am on cloud nine when I am with him. We rarely argue, but when we do, we make up very nicely. He’s practically perfect, except…

1) He lost his job. OK OK, I know this is a common problem for lots of couples, but we moved to Brooklyn from out of state for this position, and just a year later, his company has made cuts and he’s SOL. It’s been hard and I want to be nothing but supportive. I’m worried about his ability to land another position in the near future because of the fickle field he works in.

2) His appearance. He’s losing his hair, which has never bothered me. Actually, I think he might be the hottest balding guy ever. But aside from that, he has bad teeth (but he is British, so I’ve always looked past it). His fashion sense isn’t the best. He actually wears cargo capris and it makes me cringe. None of these things individually bother me all that much, but mash it together and he’s sort of the Beast to my Belle. I’ve had friends and family members tell me that I can do better so many times, and that may be true in the looks department, but his personality makes up for it tenfold.

So here’s the problem: I work in advertising and everyone is so obsessed with status quo bullshit. My coworkers want to go out and doing “couples” things, but I’m embarrassed of my beau being judged too harshly by my work mates. I don’t want to be alienated at work for not joining in the festivities, so how do I get over this?

I think you need a new job, or at least a new set of coworkers to hang out with. Because based on everything you said, you are not actually embarrassed by this guy! He is the “hottest balding guy ever.” You don’t care about his teeth. The sex is great, his personality is great, he’s supportive, you’re happy, and after three years you still love the relationship. I can practically see you glowing and I don’t even know what you look like! What you’re worried about is your coworkers being (wrongly) embarrassed for you. Which is bullshit, and you know it.

It could be that you’re underestimating your workmates because you perceive them as shallow and incapable of understanding why you would date someone who doesn’t fit the standard, Western description of male beauty. Given how squee-ingly adorable you sound while talking about him, I can’t imagine that it would take them longer for a few seconds to forget about what he looks like and see how crazy you are for each other, and then another minute for them to see this great personality you say he has and then everything will be fine. And as for his being unemployed, as long as he’s actively searching for a new job (or possibly considering a change in careers) that is again not an issue. Unless you’re using this whole thing as a cover for your actual embarrassment over your unemployed Beast, in which case you’re just going to talk to him about it, like you guys do so well, right?

Back to your coworkers. Let’s say they are that shallow and meet him and see nothing but teeth and bald and manpris (don’t let him wear the manpris to this shindig, k?). That would blow, and if it escalated to the point where you were actually ostracized from work functions, that would be some middle-school-on-Wednesdays-we-wear-pink stupid shit, and I would seriously question the professionalism of these people. But I don’t think that would actually happen, so I would say take him out, show everyone how much you care about him, and do your best to ignore it if they whisper behind your back.

Previously: Sleep Habits, Finding a Therapist, and Men Who “Make an Effort.”

A Lady is one of several rotating ladies who know everything. Do you have any questions for A Lady?

Photo by Kirk Peart Professional Imaging, via Shutterstock