Decoding Movie Reviews

by Emily Weiss and Katie Heaney

“A triumph!” = biopic set against a horse-related backdrop

“Dark, edgy” = someone inexplicably huffs chemicals

“Impeccably acted” = British person with good American accent/American person with good British accent

“High-octane thrill ride” = contains cars that go fast and blow up

“…gives a brave performance” = gained weight for the role/wore prosthesis

“Sure to leave you on the edge of your seat” = ladies in underwear will be covered in blood

“…tugs at the heartstrings” = cancer*

“A worthy addition to the (whatever) canon” = another movie about dukes

“Surprisingly heartfelt” = comic actor playing dramatic for the first time

“Fun for the whole family!” = painfully, impossibly boring

“…power of the human spirit” = someone goes from poor to rich/sports team wins a thing

“A sobering look” = narrated by Morgan Freeman

“Smart and snappy” = people talk in ways that no normal human beings would ever talk

“An intimate portrait” = moves at a glacial pace

“Depicts an earnest longing” = get ready to see a lot of Keira Knightley’s neck-acting

“A charming romantic comedy” = at some point multiple dogs are walked together

“…of substance” = confusing and unpopular

“…gorgeous, lush setting” = insanely violent and about a small Asian country

“Highly anticipated” = based on a YA novel

“A classic all-American story” = Tom Hanks’ eyes twinkle a whole bunch

“…if a little lackluster” = no one gets married

“The Number One Comedy of the Year!” = stars Adam Sandler as Adam Sandler

“Tour de force” = someone runs and cries at the same time

“Not your typical ‘boy meets girl’” = your typical ‘boy meets girl’

* true and acceptable in the case of Stepmom

Previously: “Looks almost like Vaseline.”

Emily Weiss practices her wistful looks on rainy window panes, and Katie Heaney walks two dogs all the time and nothing ever happens.