That Movie You Should Watch on Netflix Instead of That Movie Released in Theaters Today

by Bobby Finger

If you don’t want to pay $13 to see a movie this weekend, watch a complementary title available instantly from Netflix instead. Or don’t. Or just look through your roommate’s DVD collection, notice Stanley Kubrick’s Barry Lyndon, and think, “It’s been a while since I’ve seen this. I should pop it in. Gorgeous cinematography.” Then sit back on the couch, bask in its unparalleled beauty for 10 minutes, then miss the calming purr of your laptop so badly that you grab it off the coffee table and watch every clip from Ghost: The Musical that you can find on YouTube.

By the time Barry Lyndon is over, you’ll know all the words to every musical number (including that one where fake Patrick Swayze changes the lyrics of “Unchained Melody” from “Oh, my love” to “Oh, Molly”), but still won’t believe any of them actually exist.

Instead of Shark Night 3D:
Before Shark Night 3D took gratuitously violent exotic undersea movie monsters to a place they had never been (the third dimension), a very special movie took gratuitously violent exotic subterranean movie monsters to a place they had never been (heat vision). Sure, Kevin Bacon and Reba McEntire didn’t return for Tremors II: Aftershocks, but the worms have heat vision and legs this time! And Fred Ward has to get sprayed by multiple fire extinguishers so that his body is invisible to the worms with heat vision and legs! That’s so much more awesome than Kevin Bacon and Reba McEntire. Well, better than Kevin Bacon.

Instead of Apollo 18:
Due to its embargoed reviews and the studio being secretive about its plot (either because it’s full of too many great surprises or because it’s an enormous pile of garbage), I don’t know much about Apollo 18. The poster does feature an astronaut, though, so Space Cowboys should work.

Instead of The Debt
Watch Shadowboxer, the ridiculous, though compulsively watchable, film Lee Daniels made before receiving critical acclaim and box office success with 2009’s Precious. Like The Debt, Shadowboxer is an action-thriller with a cast led by Helen Mirren. Unlike The Debt, however, the rest of that cast is made up of Academy Award ® winner Cuba Gooding Jr., Academy Award ® winner Mo’Nique, Stephen Dorff, and occasional actress/celebrity with my favorite Twitter account, Macy Gray. Did I forget to mention that Helen and Cuba are hit men/lovers? Oh, I did? What are you still doing here?

Previously: SCOTCH.

Bobby Finger hopes Shelley Long is OK.