That Movie You Should Watch on Netflix Instead of That Movie Released in Theaters Today

by Bobby Finger

If you don’t want to pay $13 to see a movie this weekend, watch a complementary title available instantly from Netflix instead. Or don’t. Or listen to your friends complain about the new pricing structure and segmentation of Netflix into both Netflix and Qwikster, console them as they announce their plans to reduce their account to “streaming only” or cut ties with the service entirely, consider cutting the service yourself, and then realize canceling is the absolute worst idea you’ve ever had, because not having Netflix means visiting traditional video stores and that means finally paying late fees for things like Independence Day, Death Becomes Her, and Hall Pass at every video store within a three-mile radius.

Instead of Abduction:
Abduction is about Taylor Lautner discovering that the mother and father he’s grown up knowing are not his biological parents, and that the truth behind his life has been covered up for mysterious reasons involving Sigourney Weaver and Alfred Molina. After reading the description for this movie, I crossed all my fingers and checked to see whether or not The Deep End of the Ocean, the 1999 family drama starring Michelle Pfeiffer as a woman who finds the son she lost as a toddler over 10 years later, is streaming on Netflix. Unfortunately for you it isn’t, so my recommendation is to pretend neither of them exist.

Instead of Moneyball:
As someone whose two most vivid memories from little league are A) seeing Babe with my family immediately after a big win (or loss? who knows) and B) being told by a teammate’s mother that I had “the most beautiful eyelashes,” I’m not exactly the point person for baseball movie recommendations. The best I can do is take us all back to 1994; Rookie of the Year had come and gone, but the best family baseball comedy of my youth had yet to be released. It was the Dante’s Peak to RotY’s Volcano. The Friends With Benefits to RotY’s No Strings Attached. Yes, I’m talking about Little Big League, which must have been pitched as Major League Baseball Team Owner of the Year. It’s the funniest, most charming entry in the kids-who-suddenly-become-MLB-celebrities genre, and despite the fact that Thomas Ian Nicholas stars in the other one, you’ll still find yourself wondering where he’s gone. (The answer is Nicole Holofcener’s Please Give, by the way.)

Instead of Killer Elite:
With Killer Elite, we have elite bros (Clive Owen, Jason Statham, and Robert DeNiro) from recognizable action movies who have decided to bro up and be in the same bro-centric action movie. This was attempted last year with The Expendables (available to watch instantly), but proved to be a well-titled disaster. Because of this, we should probably make a few changes to the formula. What about elite ladies (Joan Allen, Kathy Bates, and Jessica Lange) from recognizable dramedies who have decided to lady up and be in the same lady-centric dramedy? Yeah, that sounds good. Watch Bonneville. It’s like Thelma and Louise with a subscription to AARP.

Instead of Dolphin Tale:
Watch Oldboy. In Dolphin Tale, a crab trap cuts off a dolphin’s tail. It survives because Harry Connick, Jr. gives it a prosthetic tail. In Oldboy, a man eats an entire live octopus. It does not survive because it was eaten. Spoiler alert.

Previously: I Think I Figured Out How She Does It.

Bobby Finger is currently being serious and thinks you should all see Weekend at IFC Center this weekend.