Sleep Habits, Finding a Therapist, and Men Who “Make an Effort”

by A Lady

I’ve been going through the cycles of a verbally abusive boyfriend for about a year now, and I’ve been through the emotional rollercoaster of “he’s really trying to make an effort” to “it’s impossible for him to change” so many times that I’m exhausted. My friends are all irritated that I can’t cut it off with him, and frankly, so am I. But his remorse is so sincere, and his willingness to work on his issues fills me with so much hope and optimism every time. He’s gone to some therapy sessions for anger management and wrote apology emails to his ex-girlfriend, giving closure to their tension-filled breakup. What is it about me (and some females in general) that makes it so hard to leave guys like this? And do you have any tips how to break it off without going cold turkey (which I’ve found is completely impossible).

Oh, friend. You have got to go cold turkey, I’m sorry. It is not impossible, and you can do it, I swear. His remorse is bullshit, and another piece of his abusiveness. His willingness to work on his issues shows some promise, but no. “Some therapy sessions” doesn’t cut it. You’ve got to cut him off, and for a long time — I’d say at least six months. See a therapist yourself to talk through stuff about yourself and him and whatnot, but in the meantime, CUT HIM OFF. As mentioned in previous comment threads, change his name in your phone to “DON’T PICK UP HE IS A JUICEBOX” or similar, if you are like me and would answer a call from a number not in your phone. Don’t respond to his texts, his emails, his whatevers. It won’t be easy, for sure, but stay strong! There’s nothing to it but to do it. And seriously, talk to a therapist.

What is it about you and some females in general? You got me. But I’m guessing it’s something about how exciting it is to think you are helping him change, and how great he is when he’s “making an effort.” But girl. You are not responsible for helping him work through his shit, and you should not put up with him in the meantime. If he were hitting you, would you stay? Even if he were really, really sorry afterward? I hope not, and I hope you can stay away from this also-abusive guy, too.

I’m not sure when this started, or if it’s even a problem, but I can’t spend the night (literally sleep) with guys after I’ve had sex with them, even if it’s in a committed relationship. I had a boyfriend for about a year and a half, and although everything was great, he started to get upset about my not being able to sleep through the night with him. I can see how he felt like I didn’t trust him or something, but I just can’t fall asleep with someone else in the bed. I don’t think it’s a big deal in general, but I think it led to our recent breakup and feel like it’ll be a problem again. Is there any way for me to express genuine intimacy even though I always have to pop over to the couch after sex or drive myself home after a night of fun? While it sucks not to have breakfast the morning after, I don’t think this should be a deal breaker in a relationship. There are plenty of people (I guess older couples, though) who love each other and have sex, but maintain separate beds?

Halp!

How much have you tried? Sleeping with another person takes some getting used to. I mean, it’s really different than sleeping alone! So if you stay over one night and don’t sleep much, I don’t think you should write it off. I guess if you were with that guy for a year and a half, it came up fairly often? Unless you gave up on it as a concept and didn’t try after a short period of time/number of attempts. Was he a touchy sleeper and you wanted to roll over and feel more alone? That would be a thing to talk about with future partners, because it does make a big difference. You can sleep together and not spoon all night or whatever! Obviously most people in relationships get used to sleeping together, and maybe you’re just not one of them, but it seems unlikely. I also think it’s a little cray-cray for that to be the thing that led to your breakup, so I’m guessing there were other issues there.

And honestly, maybe it’s worth a night of crappy sleep every so often for that breakfast the next day, but I don’t know your life.

My boyfriend and I recently had a mutual exchange of V-cards after about six months of dating. After some stumbling and a good amount of pain (on my part) the first time around, we thought we’d be good to go. We don’t have any issues getting to the point where we’re ready to have sex. The issue comes in when he’s, well, putting it in. It’s still suuuper painful for me. He goes as slow as I ask, and after a minute or two it fades. But it’s so painful it makes me feel like nothing should be going in there (which would be a biologically stupid move, nature). We generally keep going, but at that point, my mood is gone and that’s no fun. (I’ll point out that since we discovered this, the boyfriend has been good about taking care of me before we try sex again.)

I guess I’m asking for some Lady experience here. We’ve had sex maybe seven or eight times — does it take longer to get used to the feeling? Do I have a super-small vagina? Is it possible that my hymen’s still hanging out in there? Are we just bad at sex? Is this ridiculous? Our relationship is totally awesome otherwise, but I’d like to be as close to him physically as we are emotionally. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

Aw, girl. It doesn’t sound silly! First of all, maybe go see a doctor who can actually look at your situation, but it sounds potentially “normal.” It really really sounds like you could use some lube. To get even more graphic than you, even if you were extremely wet, his going down on you could actually have gotten rid of some of your natural moisture. With his tongue. And shit, a person can definitely have his (or her) hands up in your business, and you can still be not totally wet. Maybe it’s you, maybe it’s them, maybe it’s where you are in your cycle. Shit happens. But anyway, lube is always a good time, and worth a shot regardless. Were you using a condom? Was it lubricated? Try lube, is what I’m saying, regardless of the answers to those questions. (Also use a condom.) I assume his penis was significantly bigger than your (or his) fingers, so you could just be stretching out, and little tears do burn when you pee, etc., for a day or two after. I had some tearing with a new guy recently, because he was big, and it had been a while for me, and etc., and we did use lube, and it all worked out. But it was a little ouchie there for a bit, and I have definitely had non-painful sex.

But go talk to a gynecologist, why not? You could have an Actual Issue, and you should not spend the rest of your life either afraid of sex or hurting when you do it.

I just read one of your recent pieces of advice (very nice, btw) and in it you recommend therapy. My question is… for all of us who are completely fucked up and are finally acknowledging that maybe the best way to deal with it is less booze and more talking, what’s the best way to go about finding a therapist? I used Google to find the last one, and he was nice but he kept falling asleep while I was talking. He was older and we met in the evenings, so I kinda understood, but still. I need help, I know I need help. I figured living in NYC I could just throw a rock and hit one, but no such luck so far. Any ideas?

P.S. I don’t have health insurance, so I can’t just ask a regular doctor for a referral.

YAY therapy! I am a huge fan, and wish people talked about it more. So first, a high-five for wanting to go. Finding the right one may not be that easy, but finding one at all should be doable. I do not claim to be an expert, but I have found a therapist or two in my day. Google is not a bad place to start, especially if you don’t have insurance. (If you have insurance, I’d start with looking at who’s covered in your plan.) Another place to look is this online directory. I can’t swear to the actual people in there, and I think it’s just self-selected, but at least it’s a chance to see what they say about themselves before you start making calls. And maybe they tend to be younger on that list, if that’s something that’s a plus for you. If you’re worried about money, there are sliding-scale programs around, often with students (supervised) at places like Columbia, so that’s worth a look, too. (And I bet they have them at any university with counseling/MSW/similar programs, for non-NYC folks.)

But it’s also important to remember that the first person you find might not be the right person for you — you can often interview a potential therapist before the first session, and always feel free to break up with them if they aren’t doing what you need, and find someone else.

Good luck! And maybe don’t throw rocks at therapists? That seems like getting off on the wrong foot, even in New York.

Previously: Insecurity and Awkward Encounters (Cats, Colds, Etc.).

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