Long Distance Flirting, Lonely Moms, and the Politics of “Dibs”

by A Dude

I’ll start off with the typical I-have-this-boyfriend, we’ve been together for about a year, and we love each other very much, so on and so on.

One morning not too long ago, as we lay in bed, conversation somehow took a weird turn. His mother (whom I also enjoy) has been divorced for some time and lives alone. He spends a few months with her during the year, and talks to her on the phone at least once a day, typical mama’s-boy type stuff. She pretty much raised him by herself, so I understand that they’re very close. HOWEVER.

He told me that they were doing some chores about the house one day and she told him how “lonely” (sexually) she had become. He, in turn, began to talk to her about different masturbation options, touching herself, toys, stress relief, etc. etc. etc. He was then upset when I expressed that I found this off-putting and creepy. It sounds to me like the beginning of a bad porn. I’m wondering if it’s just me, though — while I have a great relationship with my parents, I also set lots of adult boundaries. I think parents teaching their kids about the wonders of masturbation is healthy and important.

However, I can’t seem to get the creepy disgusted feeling of my 22-year-old mate teaching his mom how to touch herself off me. Blech. Am I overreacting? Is this normal?

It actually sounds more like the beginning of a Woody Allen movie.

Never underestimate the power of the mother/son bond, especially for a single mom.

The mom’s behavior might be a response to her son dating you — it’s possible she’s threatened by another female having an intimate bond with her baby. (Did you know Andrew Carnegie’s mother begged him not to marry until she was dead?) As for the boyfriend. I think you’ve done a good job of describing the context of his relationship with his mom. It does indeed seem very strange if his first recommendation is for her to start diddling herself. BUT, I would actually be more concerned if he had a closed or negative relationship with his mother. Bonus points for his his compassion for mama. Mama’s boys respect women. We all have different boundaries with our parents — I’ve smoked weed with my mom and spoke about depression/anxiety issues [pats self on back], which both constitute boundaries some folks wouldn’t consider. The sexual one is definitely the most taboo, but all in all if he is so honest and open with his mother I imagine this will translate over to you.

In short, my advice is try to put this behind you. You will not be able to change the dynamic between them, and if you press the issue you’ll just end up alienating him. Remember, society views the mom as an asexual saintly figure. In reality, they’re sluts just like us.

Last night a friend — married, with children — told me he dreams about me sometimes, and that — ha ha! — isn’t it a good thing we no longer live on the same continent so his flirting is “safe.” The week before an ex told me that he’s always felt like I was the one that got away (he dumped me). The week before that, another married friend called me “a mysterious goddess” and himself “my stalker,” while my very first ex (in a relationship), who I dated for 29 days when I was 14 years old, spoke at length of feelings of unfinished business between us. Three exes — of which I had variable sex with — think of me as a “sex goddess.”

In fact, every single one of my serious and semi-serious relationships, and a large percentage of my not-serious exes and male platonic friends — all in relationships or otherwise indisposed — have over the years expressed some manner of too-bad-it’s-not-possible longing for me.

(Although let’s be straight about this: No one actually ever tries anything. They just like to tell me this.) The thing is, I’m single. And I’ve been single for a very long time. I have spent swaths of years single — single and looking! — all the while exes and friends sigh wistfully about how they would have loved a chance with me back in the day. So obviously I am doing something that attracts the boys, but only in after-taste. I am apparently human Cuervo: You may grimace while it goes down but the memory of that shot is so, so sweet.

I am not, for the record, some devastatingly hot, unattainable party girl. I’m over-educated, over-achieving, and over-fed, and am frequently called “sweet” and “sensitive” by my friends. Hardly Angelina Jolie here. Any insight?

You were a sex goddess at age 14? That’s disturbing.

As A Dude, it is not only my desire, but my duty to treat every Dudette with complete honesty. So now for some tough love.

Hypothesis #1: I think these guys are trying to cheer you up. There’s not enough sample size information to me to work from, so let’s say we’re talking more than six guys who have expressed longing for you, but none have acted on it. Small sample size, I know. Let’s assume a 20% chance that each dude would eventually act on their urge over the course of your friendship. Remember, people cheat all the time. This would put the odds at 1.2:1 (120%) that something would happen with at least one guy. This increases with every additional dude who fits the criteria. MATH IS POWER. And it seems to me math is telling you that this is not some weird anomaly.

Hypothesis #2: All exes are human Cuervo to some extent, we all have selective memories. Maybe you were really good at sex but a psycho hosebeast in general? I don’t know. How many tattoos do you have?

Hypothesis #3: A smart lady friend once told me that “married dudes are fucking weird.” Married people in general sometimes test boundaries and flirt because they are bored and/or to see if they still have “the magic.” This could very well be the case, which is not as bleak an answer as hypotheses #1 and #2. In sum, married people are terrible and should be avoided at all costs.

Advice: Try to spend less time talking to unavailable men.

One of my best friends has been in a relationship for about a year. Over this time, she has expressed various doubts about the relationship, one of those doubts being her interest in another man, “Tom.” (The crush existed before her current relationship, but she never acted on it.) However, she has said repeatedly that she could never date Tom even if she broke up with her current boyfriend, because he and Tom are very good friends. She has even said she wouldn’t want to date Tom, because of certain elements of his personality (how he acts when he drinks, etc).

Meanwhile, Tom and I are both single, and at a recent party we ended up having a one night stand. We were drunk, and it happened in the spur of the moment. I told my friend afterward, and she was livid. She said I betrayed her trust because I knew she had feelings for him. She forbade me to spend time alone with him or have any private contact with him (phone/texting/email/etc). I’m not denying that I knew she liked him, as she does consistently mention that she is attracted to him (and says that it is part of her anxiety over her current relationship). BUT… she wasn’t making any moves to form a relationship with him, she’s said in the past she wouldn’t want to date him, and she has a boyfriend who she isn’t planning on breaking up with.

If you find someone attractive but haven’t expressed any intention in pursuing a relationship with them, it’s my opinion that you can’t put “dibs” on them. To me, he was fair game — especially since we were drunk, at a party, and it was a one-night thing.

Am I wrong? Is her reaction reasonable?

NO … and NO! You are completely right here, seriously. And her reaction is not reasonable. You pretty much answered your own question with the following:

– “she has said repeatedly she could never date Tom”
 — “she has a boyfriend who she isn’t planning on breaking up with”

Case closed on any dibs right there. And for her to forbid you private contact with him is so ridiculous I slammed my head against my keyboard when I first read your letter. She’s being selfish and childish.

I’m not even going to entertain the idea of her being even slightly reasonable, so instead I’ll share a quick rule I go by when a single friend and myself are both interested in the same girl — I’ll tell him he has 45 days notice before I ask her to go rollerskating and share an ice cream. This lights a fire under his ass and in some cases is just the catalyst he needs.

Conclusion — your friend is terrible. With friends like her, who needs friends?

Hopefully this will be an easy question. I’m in a long distance … thing with a great guy. We’re super close as friends, recently fooled around, and we’re not exactly sure where this is going. I’m not going to push him into a relationship right away, especially because he’s had a bad experience with long distance. But I would like this to go somewhere, and I’d really like it to include some fun sexytimes in the future. So my question is: Is there a semi-classy way (I’m a classy lady) to start a little flirty texting during the times when we’re not in the same city? I just want to let him know I’m very interested. I don’t really want to get into full-on sexting at this point, and “I want you” just doesn’t seem creative enough, especially for two language people like ourselves.

Ah I would typically say to avoid long distance things at all costs. And you should! But I’ll humor you.

You sound confident that this will inevitable lead to something greater, the poor guy doesn’t stand a chance of resisting you. So that’s good knowledge for you be armed with, lofty knowledge. Basically, if you both want this to happen, and you both know each other, it will probably happen. I wouldn’t be so concerned with the making the “right” moves and would just try to keep this moving along. What I mean is you aren’t really courting him, since he presumably already likes you. So anything will work. I’m not sure what a “language person” is (smart person?), but don’t sweat being overly creative. Spending too much effort on being clever may lead to anxiety on both ends trying to outdo each other, so JUST BE YOURSELF. Don’t read between the texts too much. Since I don’t know the dynamic of how you interact, just be normal and flirty. And I don’t know what the female equivalent of cock shots are, but just don’t do that and you should be fine. You should probably just make up random stuff like “OMG just saw an old lady with TWO buttholes on the subway!” or “HALE BOPP HALE BOPP HALE BOPP.”

Previously: OKCupid Accidents, the Kid Talk, and Cheating With a Smile.

A Dude is one of several rotating dudes who know everything. Do you have any questions for A Dude?

Photo via Flickr