Is Your Man a Scrub? Van Gogh vs. Gauguin

by Caity Weaver

What is your man’s full name?

Vincent van Gogh: Vincent Willem van Gogh.
Paul Gauguin: Eugène Henri Paul Gauguin.
Who is less of a scrub?: Ladies, who is your man and why does he feel entitled to keep his first name a secret? What kind of mischief is he plotting? This is not an episode of Gossip Girl. Van Gogh.

What hipster habit is your man most likely to adopt?

Van Gogh: Moping around in a trapper cap, à la his Self-Portrait with Bandaged Ear.
Gauguin: Turning doll heads into wine glasses in 23 quick steps, à la his Jug in the form of a Head, Self-Portrait.
Who is less of a scrub?: Ladies, look at your man in that cap. He looks dumb. And you are zero steps closer to owning a set of fine wine glasses! Gauguin.

How might an armchair psychologist diagnose your man?

Van Gogh: Suffering from Bipolar Disorder.
Gauguin: Suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Who is less of a scrub?: You know what, ladies? You’re going to want to keep Advil on hand either way. Draw.

What was your man’s favorite film of 2010?

Van Gogh: 127 Hours, in which James Franco cuts off his own arm. (Evidence.)
Gauguin: Inception, in which Leonardo DiCaprio creates dreams within dreams. (Evidence A. Evidence B.)
Who is less of a scrub?: Inception is a movie about mind games. James Franco is mind games. Either way, ladies, we’re experiencing a lot of mind games. Draw.

In the arena of cocktail artistry, how gifted is your man?

Van Gogh: Signature cocktail: 10 parts absinthe, 3 parts turpentine, garnished with a dollop of paint.
Gauguin: Signature cocktail: 10 parts light rum, 3 parts passionfruit juice, 2 parts lemon juice, 2 parts lime juice; garnished with a maraschino cherry.
Who is less of a scrub?: Ladies, you and Dolly Parton spend from 9 to 5 working for a sexist, egotistical, lying, hypocritical bigot. You don’t need a man who is going to prepare you a cocktail full of poison when you come home. Gauguin.

Where does your man go to recharge his batteries?

Van Gogh: A psychiatric asylum in Saint-Rémy-de-Provence.
Gauguin: The island of Tahiti.
Who is less of a scrub?: Vacation in the south of France? Come on, ladies! Geddit, gurl! Van Gogh.

Uh-oh, ladies. You come home to find your man holding a severed bloody ear. Who cut it off and whose ear is it?

Van Gogh: His ear. He cut it off. Probably.
Gauguin: His buddy’s ear. He cut it off. Possibly.
Who is less of a scrub?: Ladies, is your man a licensed otoplastic surgeon? If he is, lock that down. If he is not, lock yourself in the closet because your man is a razor-wielding lunatic. Depends on who really did the slicing.

You can tell a lot about your man by his previous relationships. What kind of ladies has your man dated in the past?

Van Gogh: Sien, née Clarissa Hoornik, a pregnant prostitute. (Extended cohabitation.)
Gauguin: Tehamana, a 13-year-old Tahitian girl. (Married.)
Who is less of a scrub?: Prostitution, while not the most upwardly mobile of careers, is legalized in van Gogh’s home nation, the Netherlands. A 44-year-old dude marrying a 13-year-old girl, on the other hand? Ladies, Courtney Stodden is not a spirit animal. Van Gogh.

Is your man a scrub?

Van Gogh: Probably.
Gauguin: Definitely.
Conclusions: Ladies, if your man once married a child he met on vacation — that is a deal breaker! He is a scrub!

Previously: Lewis vs. Clark.

Caity Weaver is available for hire as a personal scrubs consultant, or as anything, please, please hire her.