Glorified Booty Calls, Soul-Baring, and Moving In

by A Dude

I’ve been seeing a guy for about five or six weeks. He seems to be absolutely perfect for me. He’s everything I’ve ever wanted in a guy. We have these amazing conversations, he’s intelligent, a hard worker, he makes me laugh, and the sex is amazing.

But there’s a problem: He is very, very recently separated from his wife, just over two months ago, which means that we first got together only a couple of weeks post-separation. He says that their relationship had been “done” for over a year and they were just trying to make it work for their daughter. His wife and daughter have moved to a different city and they are still working out the custody arrangements. Because of this he wants to keep our… thing ( I don’t know how you would label it) a secret because he says he doesn’t want to risk pissing off his ex-wife and starting this big custody war. We live in a small town and if we were public about this word would definitely get to her.

I do understand this, it does make sense to me, and I told him that I don’t mind, but lately I’ve been feeling like I’m his dark shameful little secret. I’m lying to my friends constantly because I can’t tell them when I’m with him. Plus, for the most part, the only time I see him is at night where we maybe watch a movie, then have sex. I feel like a glorified booty call, which is not what I’m looking for right now. Normally I would never stand for this kind of thing, but I’ve never really met anyone like him before, and I really, really like him!

Should I end things with this guy? I feel like I deserve more than being someone’s secret girlfriend/booty call, but I also don’t want to lose him. We’ve talked about it, and he says he really likes me but he needs to take things slow. Am I just deluding myself? Am I just the rebound girl? Or should I stick it out for a while longer and see what happens? Please help me Dude, I don’t know what to do!!!

Yes you do!!! OK, this guy sounds like a really cool guy. Who just went through a divorce and now his little girl suddenly lives in another town. Which can happen to cool people. Which can lead to a buttload of stress and worry and sadness and low self esteem and anger and resentment and fear. Which can lead to wanting relief. Which can manifest itself as a soothing and distracting fling with a cool new girl who doesn’t evoke any of those negative feelings. Which can eventually lead to a not so new relationship with that girl where things get heavy. Which a cool guy really does not look forward to right after a divorce. Which means it’s a rebound and is currently helping him feel better but not leading to anything serious or it would definitely be out in the open and involve the daytime. Which it does not. Which means you should only stick around if you are totally cool with being a glorified booty call. Which is what you are. Which you are not cool with! Which means you should leave.

About seven years ago, when I first started dating, my first serious boyfriend raped me. I still stayed with him for several more years, convinced this was fairly normal. I partially blame crime dramas for making it seem like all rape involved knives and/or guns and complete psychopaths and took place in locker rooms or in central park (crime drama, you know who you are!), but I think it was mostly because he pressured me into doing a lot of sexual things I wasn’t ready for. This really only seemed a liiittle bit worse than everything that had happened already. Also, he indirectly threatened me on several occasions, telling me (then reminding me) that he had gotten violent with his previous girlfriend when she had left him. Of course, I was insecure and confused, so I still thought he was the best thing to ever happen to me. So basically my first and still longest relationship was two and half years of Stockholm syndrome! I didn’t tell anyone until I brought it up last winter with a close friend in an attempt to confirm whether or not it was rape (“yes and I will kill him slowly”). I probably could have left out all of that, but I apparently still need to make excuses for past-me. I should also point out that my long-term relationships since then have been with completely dysfunctional people. I can see all of this now, and I know what to FUCKING RUN from when I see it.

I’ve been happily single for a year and a half now, and spent a good portion of that time having friends with benefits and casual sex with guys who I don’t care about. Dating simply didn’t appeal to me, and I needed to get in the headspace of deserving a person who is as much The Bee’s Knees as I am. I’m ready to take the plunge back into the dating pool now, so I’ve gotten a therapist, blah blah. My question for YOU, all-knowing Dude, is how long do I wait before telling a guy what happened? The idea of sex in a relationship context is frightening enough, but I don’t know how much time I should give it before informing him that I’m a Bundle of Issues. I went on a few dates with a guy who I thought was really awesome earlier this year, but he tried less than a month in to get me to talk about past relationships. I closed off almost immediately because I was NOT comfortable sharing these things yet, and he called me a few days later to break it off. Clearly he wasn’t as awesome as I thought and wasn’t worth my time, but it made me wonder how long should I wait before any boyfriends/potential boyfriends won’t see me as laden with baggage. I know I need to wait until *I’m* comfortable discussing it, but I’m worried that when I open up he’ll be all uncomfortable and decide to break it off and then I will end up with more problems than I started with. Basically, all I need to tell him is “Hey I’ve been raped and generally taken advantage of, so … like … don’t do that,” but the conversation will probably be like the beginning of this email plus a lot of crying and needing hugs. For some reason, I think I will be wearing sweatpants when this goes down. Yikes.

I’m pretty cool and cute and mostly not crazy, but I’m worried that my emotional issues will trump my awesomeness. What do I doooooo?!!

That is a terrible thing that happened to you and I’m sorry. You are fortunate that you finally realized what happened because it allows you to face it, feel it, and recover from it. You’re in therapy which is great! Because it seems like you spent a lot of time with terrible guys and didn’t know how to break the cycle, so now here you are, aware of your “issue bundle,” and working on it. Which is more than most people can say; a lot of people are not even aware of all of their issues and run around fucking everything up for the rest of their and other peoples’ lives. But you aren’t one of those people! Good job. How’s that for an obtuse and poorly worded pep talk? Pretty good.

To answer your question of how long to wait before you tell someone? The truth is you never need to tell guys about being raped if you don’t want to. Period. I’m not telling you not to tell anybody ever, just that you should never feel you have to. The guy that was prying into your past? He was prying. Into your past. That is not cool or respectful. That is a dickhead person. When we tell people about past failures, victories, humiliations, or abuses, it should be because we are feeling safe with that person and want to foster intimacy with them. And these things should be done in sweatpants and tears a lot of times. You can’t control how a guy may respond to you telling him you were raped, but if he does freak and leave, well then good riddance.

I think the only time you’ll ever owe it to a guy to tell him about this particular issue is if it is causing a problem in your relationship and he is confused by your behavior. Not knowing the actualities of how this has affected your behavior in relationships, its hard for me to say exactly when that happens; only you might know. But even then you should only bring it up if it feels necessary in order to maintain a good relationship with someone you see a future with.

To clarify, if you DON’T feel like your issues are affecting the relationship, then you can get married, have kids, grow old, and die together without him ever knowing and that would be fine. It’s totally up to you whether to divulge.

I’m trying to help my husband and his best friend out, and could use a dude’s perspective. My husband “Jason” and his best friend “Adam” have known each other since they were nine. At 31, Adam’s fiance suddenly and horribly left him for another man after 11 years of a really uninspiring relationship (man am I glad that is over; double dating with them was the WORST). Adam looked to friends for solace, through which he found “Mike.” Adam and Mike spent a lot of time together, and once Adam realized Mike was gay, he realized he TOO was gay. Eventually he shared this information with us. So Adam is gay, and I say “hooray!” While he came out to Jason and me, he hasn’t come out to anyone else from his and Jason’s hometown and asked us not to tell anyone. I’m sure this is for a lot of reasons: Adam’s parents are taking the news 1940s style, Adam and Jason went to an all-boys schools where being gay was just an adjective, and neither knew any out people growing up. Jason took the news like a champ, and told Adam he supports him as a best friend, would love to meet Mike, and whatever makes him happy is OK by us. I was proud.

Then, we went from being the shoulder Adam cried on to not seeing him as much, if at all. Jason told me he “lost his best friend.” I said he was talking crazy talk, but that was two months ago and we haven’t seen Adam since. Husband Jason is pretty hurt. I’m trying to convince him to talk to Adam and say that his feelings are rattled and it would mean a lot to him if Adam would introduce us to his boyfriend and invite us to be a part of his life. But it seems dudes do not speak this way? So, a little help in how I can encourage that convo.

DISCLAIMERS: We’re fixing up a house and Adam is our general contractor. Adam did a pretty good job until he met Mike. Now he’s gotten super flaky. Also we found, um…evidence…that Adam brought boyfriend Mike over and they had themselves some good times. While, hey, we are all excited in the flush of new love and like to do sexy bits whenever we can with said loves, this threw Jason into a serious tizzy and he is now A) skeeved B) hurt C) annoyed personally and professionally. So, what can I do to help?

I feel like Adam is being a chode about the working on the house thing. That is not cool. As far as the friendship between Adam and your husband? Give Adam a little more time. He is essentialy in his first real romantic relationship. Remember what a good friend you were the first time you fell in love? I do. You were a terrible friend. Know how I know? We were all terrible friends the first time we fell in love. We were self centered love addicts who didn’t care about anything else in the world. Which was fine because we were 13 and nothing else was actually important anyway. So yes, it is weird that a grown man is acting that way. But try to think how weird (and fucking awesome) it must feel to be a grown man who LEGITIMATELY feels like a 13-year-old right now. And I don’t see anything in this situation that would indicate that you shouldn’t contact Adam directly. Send him an e-mail expressing your disappointment in his work responsibilities and lamenting his abandoned friendship with your husband. Cut him a little slack in it, give him a little time to respond. He’s being a jerk, but you understand.

Can you maybe explain this whole “living together” thing to me and why it is so important? I am 31 and have been living with my platonic best girl friend (with whom I am super-close) for seven years, and dating an Awesome Guy for a little over a year. I am in love with Awesome Guy, in a permanent kind of way. Awesome Guy recently broached the living together issue, and, quite frankly, I just don’t see what anyone gets out of it? Well, I see what he would get out of it — he is in a Craiglist random roommate sitch right now, so moving in with a friend (lady or otherwise) would be an improvement for him. But I don’t see what I would get out of it, besides not feeling like an asshole for forcing this guy to keep living with randoms. Right now, I have a beautiful, girly home where nobody that I have sex with has to accidentally see me poop. I feel like the “down time” I get in my home, alone, is very important to my mental health. Oh also, I don’t want kids, i.e. the reasons lovahs traditionally have to share a roof. I just… don’t get why there is so much pressure in our culture to show how much you love your Awesome Guy by becoming his roommate, you know? But am I being a jerk by not giving up my perfect girly home so that this guy can live in more comfort? Give me some advice, A Dude, and don’t make it crap advice like “Obviously you don’t love him, because everyone in love is just running to live together always.” I do love him, like whoa. I just prefer to live with a woman, and a non-sex partner. Is that so bananas?

I think you are being totally reasonable. Don’t ever move in with your amazing boyfriend. Why would you? To smell each other’s poo? That’s ridiculous! I have said over and over again that I don’t understand why people buy houses and move in together just to smell each other’s poo. In fact, I have been looking for a woman like you forever. Let’s start dating and find separate houses in the same neighborhood and get roommates and if those roommates leave we’ll find new ones and if we can’t we’ll just move as well and find two new separate houses in a different neighborhood and find new strangers to live with. Because I, like you, value smelling a stranger’s poo over sharing a warm and intimate haven from the world with the person I love.

But seriously? There are a lot of great things about living with a “lovah”. You really start to form a bond and an intimacy that feels absolutely wonderful. You’re living with your best friend! It’s fun. Plus sex whenever. It is a step deeper into the relationship. If you don’t see the appeal of that, then yes, you are an uncommon woman. Which is neat! But it doesn’t sound like that is what your boyfriend is looking to date at arm’s length forever.

Previously: Polyamory, Hair-Pulling, and Responding to Compliments.

A Dude is one of several rotating dudes who know everything. Do you have any questions for A Dude?

Illustration by Esther Werdiger