Coming Out, BLFTs, and the Struggles of the Incredibly Hot

by Lindsay Miller

I am a just-out-of-the-closet lesbian sharing a house on my college campus of four years with another year to go. I am attractive (have hair and teeth, runner-type), smart enough for engaging conversations, and I can tell a joke now and then. I’m also a bookish introvert, crossword-puzzler, and independent documentary fan. Plus I am a whiz at beer pong. Basically I’m cool, if a little socially awkward/hard to know. Here’s my problem:

It’s been a running joke (though not a funny one) between my lady friends to keep track of the man-children that have “fallen for,” are “crushing on” or just plain “want” me. I have never — even when questioning/denying my full-blown gayness — accepted a proposition from anyone in this state. I never wear anything suggestive or revealing, and I don’t sit on laps or cling to elbows. That so many fellas were gaga over me was shocking. Now that I’m out and they know I’m not being coy, shy, or playing hard to get, some of these guys still seem to think they can woo me? Come on, guys. I have hot straight lady friends and I don’t pursue them. Why would I? They aren’t attracted to me.

This dynamic is stressful for me. I want to be able to relax around all of my gay/straight/male/female friends and enjoy being out. This is a tiny campus, so avoiding them is not much of an option. I’m not interested in tattoos, softball, or mullets, and a psychic once told me to avoid motorcycles (sigh). I also dislike declaring my sexuality constantly as if it’s the most important facet of my personhood. How can I convince everyone that I am really, truly gay without completely changing my personality? Heart/vagina says that would be trading a closet for a cabinet. As in a profile cabinet. Yep.

First of all, sweetie, a smarty-pants independent-documentary-watcher like yourself should have figured out by now that trotting out lengthy descriptions of how unique and brilliant you are — before you even get to the meat of your problem — is a good way to make yourself sound like a juicebox. I have no doubt that you’re completely badass, because hey, look what you’re reading! But that first paragraph definitely made me go “God, yeah, it’s so hard to be amazing.” Also, profile cabinet? What? I’ve been scratching my head over that one for a minute now.

No but really, if you’re pretty and smart and nice, people are going to want to have sex with you. Lots of people. All kinds of people. Constantly. For real, if you actually got bouncy with every person who ever popped a boner for you, you’d die of exhaustion — and that goes for pretty much every reasonably hygienic person in the world. I’m sorry to tell you there is no cure for it.

Also, if you are conventionally sexy and more or less femme, coming out as a lady-lovin’ lady may actually make you more appealing to a certain breed of dude. It’s the whole unattainability / “I wonder if I could change her mind” Chasing Amy thing. (Maybe someday I will devote an entire column to a lengthy critical exploration of why Chasing Amy sucks so bad.) Again, I’m sorry. Boys are gross. If you’re getting a “you just haven’t met the right penis” vibe from these dudes, please feel free to avoid them at all costs.

If they’re just nice, normal guys besotted with your hotness … well, there’s not a lot you can do with that. It’s rad for you that you don’t get crushes on straight girls (I am tempted to add “yet”), but most people really don’t have a lot of choice about who they’re into. If you’ve made it clear that you’re not down, and they’re still actively trying to get you to change teams, they go in the “avoid” category too. But if they’re just quietly pining, you may have to let the infatuation run its course and hope they get girlfriends soon, so your friendship can return to normal.

So I’m completely besotted with an absolutely awesome girl, who is gorgeous, smart, funny, makes unbelievable noodle soup, and smells like butterflies in the summer sunshine landing on daisies whilst kittens gambol about beneath the daisies. And also everything is sparkly. OK I lost my train of thought but she is as awesome as butterflies, sunshine, daisies, kittens AND ALL OF IT IS SPARKLY.

So anyway, we’ve made out a couple of times, although the first time was under the influence of much alcohol, and we’ve held hands a few times and we were on a train together for like nine hours and during that time there was arm-draping and there was hand-touching and hugs and some serious making of eyes, but there couldn’t possibly have been anything more even if we’d wanted to because we were with other people who we didn’t really know well etc. etc.

Also, there has been spooning not once, but twice, when a bunch of friends were all crashing in one place. Spooning!

So it all sounds fine and dandy so far, right? But it’s not! After the second time we made out, she mentioned that she just got out of a pretty serious relationship, and her ex is pretty messed up about it, and she doesn’t want to get involved with anyone else right now. So we talked about our FEELINGS like ADULTS and we were totally mature about it, but that was a couple of months ago, and there have been multiple signals (see above!) since then that suggest she’s into me as well. I’d talk to her again, but I really don’t want to be the desperate one, or the lesbian stereotype who’s all like “oooh emotions and let’s talk about our feelings ALL THE TIME,” because I feel like she might be all “why are you pushing this? ARGH!” and then be totally not into it at all.

So, A Queer Chick, my question to you is this: How soon is too soon to make another move? And should I talk to her about it again? Or should I wait for her to make a move? I’m so not good with relationships and emotions and stuff, so please help me out! My heart/vagina wants this beautiful lady, but my mind is being too rational and freaky-outy for its own good!

GIRL. What are you even doing? You left out the most important detail! What did she say? When you had the Big Lesbian Feelings Talk, what did she say? Was it, like, “I’m super attracted to you but I think it’s too early for me and I don’t want to fuck things up by rushing,” or more like “I don’t really see you as a potential girlfriend, sorry”? This is so crucial, and you left it out! I don’t know how you expect me to work under these conditions!

OK, so: If she basically gave you the red light before, I would step back and not push things. It’s possible that she’s just your really flirty friend, who likes cuddling and spooning and occasional makeouts but doesn’t actually want to date you. I’ve had that friend. I’m pretty sure I’ve also been that friend (sorry, Guy Who Gave Me Back Rubs In College Spanish. I wasn’t trying to lead you on! I just, you know, really like back rubs). If she’s been clear about not wanting to date you in the past, you should assume that is still the case unless she makes a decisive statement to the contrary — and you should not hang around waiting for her to do so. Someone who gives you “mixed signals” that include a clear statement of disinterest is not actually giving you mixed signals at all. She is telling you exactly what is up: She wants to hang out / snuggle / fuck, but she doesn’t want to be your girlfriend.

If, on the other hand, your initial Big Lesbian Feelings Talk (can I shorten that to BLFT, or does that sound too much like a sandwich? And if it were a sandwich, what would the F stand for? These are your discussion questions for the week) was about how much she digs you but is hesitant to dive in headfirst, I think it’s totally reasonable to revisit it now that her big breakup is a little further in the past. I know it’s gonna feel process-y to bring it up again, but you know what? Processing can be pretty fucking useful. You want to know if this girl is still into you, and what kind of timetable she has in mind going forward. You can either own your stereotypes and talk to her about it, or hang around and see if her tongue ends up in your mouth again. Personally, I’d go with awkward conversation followed by clarity any day. But then, I’m a great big lesbo.

I’m pretty sure I’m a lesbian — as sure as I can be without actually having been a lesbian yet. I’ve never even so much as kissed a girl, but every time I have sex with a guy I have to close my eyes and think about vaginas, so I’ve decided I’m not as straight as I’ve been pretending to be. And now that I’ve allowed the words “You’re a lesbian!” to enter my mind and stay there instead of kicking them out immediately like I usually do, I feel so relieved, but I have no idea what to do. I don’t know how to meet girls! I don’t know any other lesbians — really, none. I don’t know how, or if, I should tell people, or if I should just rock up one day with a girlfriend and let everyone figure it out. Also, I don’t know how to get a girlfriend. Also, I’m 22, I live in a very small but HUGELY judgmental town, and I’m hanging on for the day I can afford to move to a bigger city filled with lesbians, but until then, who will have sex with me?

And if I start having sex with girls, or telling people that I want to have sex with girls, I think 50% of the people I know will disown me, and sure, if they’re that homophobic I don’t want to be their friend/daughter anyway, but still.

Sorry that this is not really a specific question, but basically, I’m new to this and I don’t know how it works or what to do, please help?

I am tempted to say that you should tell everyone you know by throwing yourself a huge coming-out party. Why doesn’t anyone ever do that? It’s such a life milestone! Have cake and streamers! I wish I had done that, instead of what I actually did, which was just sort of be pretty queer until everybody figured it out. Which is also an option for you, of course.

Whether or not you should come out to your family is a decision you’ll have to make, taking into account your own physical and emotional safety. If you still live at home — it sounds like you might, but I’m not quite sure — and your parents would freak, you might want to wait until you’ve saved up enough for a deposit on an apartment. But also, be prepared for the possibility that they won’t freak. Some people who seem terribly conservative and closed-minded discover surprising depths of tolerance when they find out there’s a homo in their own family. I hope your family and friends turn out to be of this variety. But I do suggest having a fallback plan in place before you start making announcements.

Also, I vote no on the coming-out-by-bringing-your-girlfriend-home approach. Have you ever been having dinner with someone’s family when they started having a really intense conversation about personal matters and you just wanted to crawl under the table and die, that’s how fucking awkward it was? Yeah, no matter how well your family takes it, that’s how it will feel to your hypothetical future sweetie if she’s there for your uncloseting. Please just don’t.

As for finding a girlfriend, how big is your small town? If there are 10 to 20 women, statistics suggest at least one of them is gay. Statistics are unfortunately silent, however, on the question of whether she is hot. Maybe if you come out, that gorgeous girl who works at the Starbucks (even tiny towns have Starbucks, right?) will be inspired by your bravery and come out herself. Maybe not. Maybe you’ll have a hard time getting laid until you move to a bigger city. But it sounds like you’re already saving and planning for such an eventuality, so, you know: Keep doing that!

You sound really cool and together, so as soon as you get your ass to a place where the dyke population is larger than your high school graduating class, you’re seriously going to get so much pussy. Major cities are rife with places to meet women: gay bars, poetry readings, organic grocery stores. Go to those places, and introduce yourself to someone you think is pretty. Get to know her. Have orgasms. Fall in love. Get your heart broken. Repeat. It’s going to be great.

I’m a chick who’s just realizing she’s bi. I’ve always kept an open mind where sexuality is concerned, so admitting to myself that I like ladies as well as men hasn’t been too difficult. Confiding in several close friends hasn’t been too hard either; most of them are, if not already in the same boat, very understanding and helpful. But coming out publicly makes me incredibly nervous, and not for any reason related to bisexuality: I have a physical disability, and one that’s pretty easy to notice (although the less-observant have been known to miss it). This has always complicated dating (even the plain old same-sex kind), more because people are unsure of how to approach and deal with physical disability in the first place than because it provides an actual impediment to a relationship. I’m guessing that will be much the same when dating women (although I find that women are generally quicker to feel at ease around me than men are).

I guess what I’m afraid of is openly sticking myself with yet another label that will make me “different.” I’m generally of the opinion that difference is what makes people interesting, but when you’re both queer and physically disabled, is all that difference going to deter people, or worse, make you look like a big joke? Do you think that other forms of difference are more easily accepted in the gay community, or is it the opposite? Obviously I realize everyone will have their own opinion and that you can’t make broad generalizations about an entire group of people, but any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I just can’t imagine a scenario in which coming out as bisexual could hurt your dating chances. Coming out as gay, yeah, there aren’t as many of us, so all of a sudden you have way fewer options — but for ladies like you, anyone is possible! Opening yourself up to dating girls gives you access to a whole new world of potential sexy-friends. The only way I could see this being detrimental is if there were such a thing as straight men who refused to date bi women, but we both know there’s not (who says I can’t make broad generalizations about entire groups of people?). And if what you say is true — women have an easier time getting comfortable with your rad self — you may even find that you’re having more luck with ladies than you ever did with dudes. Yes, unfortunately, your pool of both guys and girls is probably somewhat constricted by your disability — or more accurately, the way people respond to your disability. But no one who’s worth your time is going to let that deter them.

You’re totally right that deviations from the norm are what make people interesting. Your perspective on life is going to be really different from a lot of people’s, which pretty much automatically makes you someone I want to hang out with. Also, I think queer folks are much more likely to be engaged with progressive politics, and therefore to be aware of and comfortable with disability issues, than the general population. And of course, being a queer woman with a disability gives you the opportunity to learn first-hand about fun grad school words like “intersectionality,” which is total catnip to certain kinds of ladies.

Are some people going to think you’re weird? Almost definitely, I’m sorry to say. But really, fuck those people. You’re going to be having too much fun making out with girls and going to Tegan and Sara concerts to notice anything they might think about you.

Finally, I should point out that A Queer Chick is (currently) able-bodied and totally not the expert on disability issues, so consider doing some reading (I hear there is this place called the internet?) and finding out how other people in similar situations have handled it. And I’m guessing some awesome Hairpin readers will have even more awesome advice for you, in the awesome comments!

Previously: Drunk Flirts, Insecurity, and the Man Who Mistook Himself for a Lesbian.

Lindsay Miller knows everything. Do you have a question for A Queer Chick?