Characteristics of Disney Princesses That Have Never Actually Gotten Me a Date

by Molly Shalgos

The Ability to Walk and Read at the Same Time: Belle, Beauty and the Beast
For weeks after I saw Belle pull this off, Belle with her kicky apron and sensible ponytail, I practiced walking to school with a Babysitters’ Club book in front of my face. There were some skinned knees. I tripped into a shrub or six. But years later, it’s all been worth it, because it sure does make the walk from my apartment to Coffee Bean feel shorter. I guess. Still, even the sight of me reading while walking has never inspired a dude who owns a castle to beg the favor of my company for margaritas at Chili’s or whatever.

Capable of Kicking Some Serious Ass: Mulan, Mulan
I have watched every episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer at least twice. Sometimes three times, depending on whether or not Angel wore a shirt that week, but mostly because I was leaning how to fight off legions of the undead. Apparently “the ability to defend me in the event of a vampiric apocalypse” is not a quality most guys are looking for in their ladyfriends, though, but someday the joke will be on them.

Being Able to Carry a Tune
The hallmark of every Disney Princess is a voice that acts as a magnetic beacon towards your vagina. Despite my brilliant song stylings on karaoke night, the Bartender Of My Heart remains stubbornly married. (Note to self: Next time, maybe try something besides “Before He Cheats.”)

Having Glorious Waves of Red Hair: Ariel, The Little Mermaid
Once, this almost worked. I was walking through a parking structure when a speeding car came screeching around the corner and nearly tagged me. I jumped out of the way, rolled my ankle, and spent some time writhing on the concrete in unholy agony. When the driver got out of the car to make sure he hadn’t killed anybody, and once I stopped whimpering, he asked “Do you have dinner plans? ’Cause I’m a sucker for a redhead.” Unfortunately, since his car did not transform into a 1985 DeLorean and carry him back to a time before he almost killed me, I decided it would be more satisfying to curse him out than eat free chicken marsala. But not all hope is lost! I’m sure that somewhere out there, this exact scene is the meet-cute in a screenplay earmarked for Anne Hathaway and Ashton Kutcher.

Raised in a Single-Parent Home: Interestingly, all of them except Sleeping Beauty.
The only long-term effect of being raised by my dad is that I’m still incapable of shaving my legs without injuring myself. Possibly this makes me more attractive to Edward Scissorhands.

Extensive Experience in Customer Service: Tiana, The Princess and the Frog
During the 2007–08 WGA strike, I worked in a Harry Potter store. I sold wands, quills, and jelly-beans in a multitude of disgusting flavors. I sorted people into Houses. I said things like “we should really order some cuter fake severed heads, these are creepy.” I endured hundreds of jokes about being a redhead named Molly, so between that and the Ricky Bobby incident, I dyed it back to brown. If there was any justice in the world, my reward at the end of this would have been everlasting love with Darren Criss, the Prince Naveen of Harry Potter fandom. Instead I got the official souvenir tee shirt of the Quidditch World Cup.

Being Kind to Small Animals
If you show me pictures of your dog on your iPhone, I will absolutely pretend to be interested.

Previously: Favorite Books of the Secretly Jerky.

All the waiters in Los Angeles look like Disney princes, which is one of the major reasons Molly Shalgos lives and writes there.