Best Exes, Excitement vs. Stability, and Gym Rules

by A Dude

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 18 months … sort of. The last nine months have been legit and awesome. I’ve met his friends, his mom seems to dig me, we’ve camped together, and we’re in love. We spend lots of time cuddling and boning, we’re open and talky, we seem to have a future (yippee!), and it’s generally one of the more awesome relationships I’ve ever been in.

The first nine months, though, he was still with his previous girlfriend. They were shacked up, and his side of the story was that things weren’t great — by the time I was on the scene, they were arguing a lot, had different work schedules, and they weren’t even sharing a bedroom. Even still, they generally got along and when he broke up with her, they were like, “let’s be friends!”

So. I have this nagging — well, raging — insecurity building up around that friendship. It ranges from little stuff like feeling weird when they text, to Big Fucking Stuff. For instance, when his dad died this summer, he didn’t invite me to the funeral (because it was the wrong time to meet his extended family), but she was invited.

Anyway, I’m fine with him having friends of both genders, and I understand that he’s likely had sex with some of his girl buds, the same way I’ve been busy with some of my guy friends. But I get quiet and resentful and just generally horrible-feeling when she comes up. She’s made it clear she doesn’t want to meet me, and he’s siding with her on that (and frankly, I’m not that interested either), so we’re not looking to build some weird sitcom best-friends scenario. I just need some help managing the “Oh my god, he’s going to leave me and go back to her and this whole awesome thing will have been for naught,” feeling I get when they make plans, and the more general nagging feeling of “Will he cheat on me if things get shitty between us?” Help a sister out, A Dude?

This probably isn’t the advice you want to hear, but I think your two worries are 100% reasonable. He’s proven he’ll cheat when things get tough. And he’s also showing that he’s not over his ex, to the degree that he’s maintaining the relationship and fencing it off from you. Analogy time: He’s driving you two around with his eyes stuck on the rearview mirror; he’s got his seatbelt on, and you don’t. Guess which one of you doesn’t survive the crash?

I’d go as far as to say there’s a reasonable chance he’s sleeping with her already. Nothing like a breakup to rekindle the fire of a dude who suffers from wanting only what he can’t have. I could be wrong. He might really just want an exclusive, platonic friendship with the person he was arguing with all the time. But how are you supposed to not feel shitty and jealous and suspicious of that? I’m assuming he thinks it’s unfair that he’d have to choose between his friendship with her and his relationship with you. A logical argument that looks good on paper. Only problem is, it totally ignores your feelings.

Long term, I don’t think a romantic relationship can sustain one person having an important friendship that’s decidedly off limits from the other. In high school I had a close female friend, and there was a bit of chemistry between us. She had a boyfriend I didn’t dig, and I wasn’t shy about saying so. At one point her dad mentioned something like “too bad you can’t date both of them,” and she seemed to share that sentiment at least a bit. Her BF was jealous — but tough shit: She can hang out with whomever she wants, and it’s not like we were doing anything. At one point she and I were driving around and I joked that if only he would happen to bite the big one, we could get together. This was around 1998, so the verb “defriend” wasn’t coined yet, but that’s what she did. She stopped talking to me. And justifiably so. Yeah, it’s shitty to joke about someone dying, but that wasn’t the point. The point was that I wanted a friendship totally separate from and in judgment of the most important person in her life. That’s not sustainable, and she chose the essential relationship over an inessential one that meant it ill will. She was right to do it. They’re married now.

I get why you’re hesitant to raise a stink: You don’t need to chum it up with all his friends; you were party to the cheating so you can’t be 100% holier than thou on that front; and you haven’t been together that long so you don’t want to scare him off with premature-, needy-seeming demands. But you’re not crazy to feel how you feel. Whether he’s conscious of it or not, he’s keeping you at a distance, not quite letting her go because he gets off on being with someone who wants him and whom he’s not allowed to have (i.e. you, 9 months and 1 day ago). Normal enough, as desire is by definition directed at things we don’t have. But it’s also immature and unrealistic to pretend like it shouldn’t have an effect on you.

So where does that leave you? Have a conversation. Explain that you understand they have the right to stay friends, but explain that it makes you feel insecure because you worry he hasn’t really moved on. He’ll deny it, get annoyed, and swear they’re just buddies. Fine. But at least he knows how you feel, and if he’s smart he’ll do small things to calm you, like texting you lovey things when he’s grabbing dinner with her and she’s in the bathroom, noting that she’s dating someone new and he’s happy for her, etc. … all the things he would do naturally if he’s not hung up on her. The cheating thing is a bit complicated and you have to ask yourself what you actually want. Do you want him to promise a million times over that he’ll never cheat on you? Promise that if the relationship ever gets to a point where he wants to cheat, that he ends it instead? You’re in a tougher spot there, because you’re a cheater-enabler who’s dating the cheater. It’s the chance you take.

Last Halloween, I run into a male acquaintance of mine while out on the town. I’m feeling fun, spontaneous, and also on mushrooms, ecstasy, weed, and alcohol. This fellow and I kind of click right away, and as the bar was closing he joined my merry crew of totally loaded folk and ended up staying over, and we have a MAGICAL time. He demonstrates that he’s everything I’ve been looking for in a partner. He’s proactive, open to new experiences, good with his hands (not sexually!), he dreams big and he makes it happen. I fell asleep that night watching him and thinking that I love him, despite all his obvious faults. We woke up the next morning and had mind-blowing sex. He lives on the other side of the country and he had to catch a flight home later that day.

I had never felt this strongly about anyone, ever. I was in love! However, taking a look at where I was at in my life then, I knew I could never be worthy of someone as amazing as he. I was fucking my life off. I was addicted to drugs and alcohol. I decided to change all that so that perhaps one day I could be equivalent to his awesomeness. I sobered up, went through some intense counseling, and was feeling like a better person. And then I met someone new.

This new guy and I fell in love fast. He seemed to be everything that I needed. He was supportive, sober, and active. I met him at a party, not at rehab. We’ve been together for four months and it’s unlike any relationship I’ve been in before. It’s extremely healthy!

So, this week, there seemed to be a rough patch in our relationship. I was feeling distant for days and wondering if this was what I really wanted. And then, out of nowhere, the dude from Halloween contacted me. I had been waiting for 10 months to see him again. To be a better person for him. To show him how great I was. We hung out, just as friends, and had a great time talking.

I started to feel weird about my relationship after that, wondering if my partner and I were really as great a match as I thought we were. After all, when I met Halloween dude, I instantly fell in love with who he was. My current partner is different than that, a different kind of guy. Halloween dude and I have a lot of interests in common, our personalities are alike, we share common ambitions. On the other hand, my partner and I make a good team. We balance each other out, but we have pretty different lifestyles, our values don’t exactly match one hundred percent.

Part of me is saying that I want Halloween dude (or some one like him). Am I settling for my current relationship just because it works? I love both of these men in different ways. Which one is right?

I say stick with your current relationship. Or at the very least, judge it for what it is, and not in comparison with an imaginary relationship with someone you’ve basically hung out with twice.

I have a hunch — and this is a bit presumptuous — that longing for Halloween dude involves a certain amount of nostalgia for your crazy life as an addict. Your new guy sounds like maybe more of a square, and you his lovely lady with a wild past. When you fell in love with Halloween dude, you were high on or coming down from four drugs. That’s some wicked multiplyer effect, not engendering of the best judgment of character. Even then you noted his obvious flaws, so it’s not like you really envision a conflict-free life with Mr. October. Here I admit a bias: In my experience there’s a decent amount of overlap between the Venn diagrams of Ambitious, Charismatic Doer and Narcissistic, Unavailable Tool. Maybe I’ve met too many secretly arrogant hippies or secretly philandering artists. Anyway.

I’m not saying current dude is your soul mate. You were feeling distant before watching Halloween II: Mr. Awesome Returns. But you need to dig into that distance itself. What do you need that you aren’t getting? Also, what ARE you getting that makes it unlike — and healthier than — any relationship you’ve ever been in? Is the pizzazz you’re missing really possible if you’re sober, or was it just a side effect of the drama that accompanied the highs and lows of that life? Maybe he’s a snooze who’s bringing you down. Or maybe he’s just what you need to help keep you on the ground. But that’s a separate question than “should you ditch him today for an exciting, possibly unavailable dude you once boned in a haze?” The answer to that is No.

So my question is this: Is it advisable and/or stalker-y to contact a guy I dated for a month or two in the last 6 months? We met online, went out 5 times, never had sex, and at the end he decided he had too much stress in his life to be with someone. Fast forward to now and I’m finding dating extremely boring, and no one makes me feel as safe and happy as he did. I’m missing him and feeling like trying to contact him, but worried it will come off as stalker-y because DUH I was supposed to read between the lines and realize he’s not at all interested in me. What should I do?

Not stalker-y at all … because you’re not stalking him. Sure, he was probably letting you down gently. But if you felt safe and happy with him there was likely some mutual appeal, so there’s a chance he was genuinely just too overwhelmed to get all commit-y. Is it a long shot that he’ll happen to be ready at this moment? Yeah. But it can’t hurt to reach out. Better than wondering two years down the line what would have happened if you had.

If you do contact him, be upfront about the fact that it’s a romantic interest. The last thing you need is him agreeing to “get coffee” and then you end up wondering if it was even a date. Have some cohovaries (anyone?) and say basically what did in your question: “Hey, long time. I think fondly about our dates and wonder if your life’s calmed down and you might want to go out again. Hope that your [insert inside joke here].” I’d say leave out the “Hope this isn’t stalker-y” because that makes it seem a bit, um, stalker-y.

Like I said, chances are he wasn’t interested and won’t be now. But you’ve got nothing to lose and a chance to gain. Go for it.

I wrote in to a Dude a while ago about my boyfriend having gained a fair amount of weight and clearly being unhappy about it. I was finding myself increasingly less sexually attracted to him because of this weight gain, but even more so because he frequently talked about how he really needed/wanted to get in shape but refused to do anything about it. A Dude did not judge me or call me an evil petty bitch (though some commenters did suggest this might be the case), and I really appreciated the advice he gave me. It helped me come to terms with the fact that I had been unhappy in the relationship for awhile for a number of reasons including many faults of my own, and the fact that loving him and not wanting to hurt him were not really great reasons to stay with him forever if I was constantly pushing down this deeper unhappiness. I broke up with him, started seeing a therapist to help me through the rough patch of feeling like I was a horrible person, and eventually started feeling good again.

Cut to a couple months after our breakup.

I’m on the treadmill at the gym, finishing my usual walking/jogging routine and probably bopping my head around like an idiot to some Britney. I turn around to grab the cleaning spray to wipe down my machine and who do I see on the elliptical right behind me? Yup, it’s my ex. I walked up to him and said something like, “Did you seriously join my gym?!?” and he did this whole surprised, “Oh heeyyyyy, what’s up? Fancy seeing you here!” routine. But the thing is, he knew that it was my gym before he joined. I had belonged there for many months during our relationship and had even a few times suggested he switch from his slightly more crowded, older gym to my slightly nicer/newer one. We live in a city with probably only five or six gym options, so I do understand that if he really did just want to switch to a nicer gym regardless of where I belonged, he may not have had a bunch of other choices in his price range. But Dude, it is so awkward!

He goes at the exact same time I do (after work) and I’ve started to dread even stepping foot in the place because I know I’ll run into him. Sometimes I see his car in the parking lot and I can’t face it, so I just turn around and go home. We have currently settled into a routine of just keeping our individual iPods on and not acknowledging each other, but I find that it makes me want to get out of there as quickly as possible, and I’m getting some strange workouts in, as I now just do whatever cardio or weight machines are in the area he’s not in, whether that’s what I want to do or not.

I’m sure some people are thinking, this bitch got exactly what she deserved. She wanted him to work out and now he is, right in front of her stupid bitch face. But it does feel slightly disrespectful, right? Slightly calculated? Most of all, I miss enjoying my anonymous time at the gym that I really liked, where I knew absolutely no one and didn’t have to even consider running into anyone familiar, much less someone I had a romantic history with. I don’t feel like I have the right to demand that he stop going there, or go at a different time, and because of my work schedule, I’m pretty set in my gym going time. What should I do? Confront him? Quit my gym? Keep going and ignoring him? Throw a kettle ball at him? Help me navigate this, Dude.

Whoa. It just so happens that the Ask A Dude wheel spun and the arrow ended up pointing at me, the same A Dude who answered your last question. I’m psyched to hear that you found that advice helpful (if a little freaked out that it catalyzed a real-world breakup). Hopefully I can offer something useful again. Here goes.

So yeah, your ex is messing with your head in a clever if assface-ish way, and you’re kinda stuck. He got dumped, which is a powerless place to be, and he’s shaking the only tiny fist he has: invading elective space. He can’t hang around your house. That’s restraining order territory. Your work, ditto. But ah, the gym, a place you go by choice! You’re now in the unenviable position of either A) sucking it up and hating your gym experience; or B) ditching that gym.

I vote B.

Because the only other option besides status quo would go something like this:

Hi Kyle. You joined my gym and come at the times when you know I’m here. It makes me feel really uncomfortable. Here’s the deal. I’ll be here Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, from six to eight. If you come then, it’s because you want to make me feel bad on purpose. I was here first and it’s not fair. If I see you here again, I’m quitting this gym. Maybe that’s what you want, in which case, you win. But I hope you’ll be mature enough to come at other times, or better yet, quit this gym all together if you only joined out of spite.

That’s a tough script to perform. And he may just say he can do what he damn well pleases, because he can. Plus, it sounds like you are a superhuman who works out every day, so the alternating day thing might be moot anyway. Plus, it’d be weird to call him Kyle.

Go to another gym and you’re taking the high road by giving him what he supposedly wants but also taking away what he actually wants, which is to get to see you and punish you. He wins and loses. You win and lose. Fair and square, just like life ought to be. If anything, at least you have the satisfaction of knowing you made the right choice in dumping him. What a creeper.

Previously: Glorified Booty Calls, Soul-Baring, and Moving In.

A Dude is one of several rotating dudes who know everything. Do you have any questions for A Dude?