Beauty Q&A: Streaky Polish, Cardigan Season, and Drinks for a Lady

Nail polish — I’ve been unreasonably squicked out by it for far too long now, but all the girly blogs I’ve been reading have worn me down. Problem is, I gravitate towards the sheer, pale, pinky stuff and it NEVER goes on right! No matter how many coats I do (OK, so I’ve never gone beyond two really. See: lazy) it looks streaky and uneven. What’s the trick? Base coat? More coats? Some application twist of the wrist?

Squicked! We all know exactly what you’re talking about and it is SO ANNOYING. Ugh. To think of the hours and cotton balls I’ve wasted… Years of failure have taught me a few things you can try that will help, if not solve, this problem of streaky light polish. The first is to choose a quality brand. My go-to light colors are both from Essie: Marshmallow is the whiter one, Ballet Slippers is the pinker one, and I found them both by trial and error. (Hate you, Adore-A-Ball!) They’re both sheer and natural looking. Also be sure your polish is new and slippery, not old and gloppy. And you guessed right that you want to start with a base coat, but not just any base coat. Get one that already has a bit of white pigment in it like my fave, Seche Base.

Now for technique: Once your base coat dries completely, you’re going to apply the first and most important of your two coats. Get what feels like “too much” polish on your brush and lay a wide line down the middle of your nail. The key to avoiding streaks is to use a bunch of polish and move quickly. Now, if you picked up enough polish, there should still be some left on the brush for you apply a line on either side of the middle making sure to overlap a tidge so it blends. If you need to reload your brush, go ahead, but make these moves fast. Now STOP. Three strokes is all it takes. Don’t keep going over it. This coast should be thick and glossy and wet looking and it should freak you out a little bit how much wet polish is sitting on your nail. Don’t move or touch anything for at least 10 minutes. Already you should be able to see that you’re starting with a less streaky base. Now all you have to do is one more coat of polish but not so thick this time. This coat will serve to fill in any areas that didn’t quite get enough color. Apply a top coat and you’re done.

So, you know those girls with the really sweet, French-girl style? Audrey Hepburn meets Alexa Chung meets Charlotte Gainsbourg? Skinny jeans, flats, striped shirts kind of thing. It seems effortless and rumpled, but it’s also totally put together and chic? Well, can a girl pull off this style if she’s 1) not a waif 2) not petite 3) not in her twenties anymore 4) not born with carefree skin or hair and 5) not rich? I think they refer to this style as “gamine” and I’m in love with it, but I’ve convinced myself that I can’t pull off the look because I carry a little extra weight and I’m in my thirties and I don’t have delicate features and big round eyes and my hair doesn’t cooperate. Gamine girls seems to have fine hair that is effortless and carefree. Mine is the opposite: thick, dense, poofy, and totally high-maintenance. I tell every single stylist that I want something sweet, French-girl, and easy and I always end up with a version of the “Jennifer Aniston” circa Friends. Oh, and I’m also basically poor. So I can’t buy so-called key French-girl items like a Chanel purse or Repetto flats or whatever.

Given these challenges, do you think I can pull this off? Or are some styles just not doable? Please tell me that I can do this!

You can do this! Yes, it’s tricky because the iconic women we think of with this style are impossibly thin, young, porcelain-skinned, famous, famously wealthy, and dead. So, you’re right. Most of that stuff is just not gonna happen for us normals. But! There are a lot of key elements to this style that anyone can pull together to get the same overall effect. You’ve listed a few, like ballet flats (Steve Madden’s are always on sale somewhere) and striped shirts. Here are a few more:

Bangs! Look at Francois Hardy over here. One minute in and her hair is already a mess, and yet. If you can get the “Jennifer Aniston,” you can get this look. Ask your hairdresser for chunky bangs next time and throw the rest back in a low ponytail. Sure, you might have to iron your bangs in the morning (I use a round brush and a blowdryer to tame mine), but that’s it.

Skirts! Dirndl, A-line, and pencil are what you’re looking for.

Boatneck anything. Everyone looks good in a boatneck and some even look good in another gamine staple: the turtleneck.

One cute, eye-catching accessory but only ONE. Try giant sunglasses or a basket as a purse.

Way too much eyeliner. Did I just say “too much”? I meant plenty.

Short nails in a natural color (see above) or dark red. This is one area where you can accidentally go “too modern” and then the whole look is thrown off by 10 tiny things.

And finally, a kicky, signature dance routine. Just kidding! (But it can’t hurt.)

Jane, please teach me how to be a girl who knows how to drink things at bars other than vodka-soda-with-lime-and-two-tiny-straws or whatever beer her boyfriend is drinking. Nothing fancy (I’m on a budget here), but I’m always so in awe/envious of those women who walk up to a bar and order scotch or whiskey or bourbon and not only know what they’re talking about, but also look like they’re actually enjoying the drink. If I could spend the rest of my life on a big leather, winged-back chair in a wood paneled library, wearing a velvet smoking jacket and swilling scotch, I would do it in a second. Please pass on any sort of alcohol-based wisdom you might possess.

Well, this is fun and right up my beer bottle-strewn alley! I was a bartender for years. Did you know? And I have a secret for you (that those whiskey girls already know): In most bars you get at least twice the liquor in an $8-$10 non-mixed or barely-mixed drink like a straight whiskey or a martini as you would in a typical vodka soda. Twice the drink at maybe twice the price but you’re only tipping once? It’s like they’re paying you to drink! Now with your budget concerns taken care of, what should you order exactly? I’m picturing you in that chair and I see in your hand… a “call” or “top shelf” vodka (meaning you say the brand name rather than just “vodka”) martini straight up with a twist (of lemon, but when you order just say “a twist”), perhaps? This is the grown and sexy version of what you’re already drinking and it’s delish. I hesitate to recommend scotch because although I love it (Marry me, Ardbeg Airigh Nam Beist?) it can taste like peat and that’s the opposite of what you’re into. On the brown liquor side, I’m very fond of slightly-sweet whiskey drinks like an Old Fashioned, but if you find yourself in one of those upscale, mixology bars, try its cousin, the Sazerac. It’s whiskey-y and orange-y and a little bit funky from absinthe, and usually comes in an interesting glass. And it sounds cool when you order it. Just remember: Do not drink these as fast as the soda-watered down stuff you’re used to! After all, you won’t look cool in that wood-paneled library if you’re holding the book upside down.

The time is coming, for those of us who work in climate-controlled office buildings, to be kind of cold all day long (except when we are very very hot). Last winter I just shivered through it, or blasted my ankles with a space heater, but this winter I want to be a winner. I want to purchase one perfect work cardigan — neither too stiff nor too flimsy, neither too fitted nor too shapeless, that kind of goes with everything, and wouldn’t look too grody if I left it at the office most of the time. Does it exist?

Are you me? Are people like “She’s always cold” about you but the way they say it makes it feels like what they’re really saying is that you are cold hearted? And all because you don’t want it to feel inside your office in July the way it feels outside your office in December? Is that so wrong? Anyway, I think you should get two sweaters, one of the looser variety and one more fitted but both *cheap* so don’t worry. My favorite merino wool fitted cardi comes from Uniqlo and I swear to god I’ve had it for three years and it’s just like new. Try it in a neutral like grey and it’ll work for many seasons to come. OK, now even more awesome? I just picked up this open-front sort-of-drapey-but-not-in-a-messy-way cardigan from Target and I am in love. It looks kind of expensive and it’s super soft and that mustard color! Plus it’s short-sleeved. Enough things about this sweater are different from your average cardigan that hopefully you won’t be forever known as The Frigid Cardigan Girl at the office but you might want to sleep with someone at the Christmas party to be double-sure.

Previously: Sexy in Specs, Skin Picking, and the Secret to All-Day Makeup.

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