An Interview With the Satellite Hurtling Toward Earth

An out-of-control American satellite (an Upper Atmosphere Research Satellite — UARS) is due to hit the planet tomorrow. We caught up with it for a quick chat.

The Hairpin: What’s up!

Upper Atmosphere Research Satellite: AaaaaaAaAAAAAHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

TH: Wait, I didn’t catch that!

UARS: WhaaaAAAAAAAAAA

TH: Where are you going to hit Earth?!

UARS: I don’t know!

TH: Are you scared?

UARS: Extremely. I don’t want to hurt anyone or break anything; I feel like I failed. I did fail. I failed.

TH: Nooo, I’m sure everything will be OK!

UARS: Will it?

TH: I mean, I don’t know. Or it won’t be OK, and that’ll be OK in its way, too. I don’t know!

UARS: Right, exactly. Who knows. I just keep thinking about it nonstop, envisioning all sorts of horrible stuff. I can’t even tell you.

TH: You can tell me.

UARS: I don’t want to.

TH: OK. They’re saying you won’t hit North America. Is that weird, since you’re American?

UARS: I guess. That logic could go both ways, though. For instance, if you had to do it, would you kill your own parents or kill a stranger’s parents? Morally.

TH: Oh, god.

UARS: I think morally the right answer, if there is one, is to kill your own parents. Although clearly I can’t do that. Not that I’m necessarily going to kill anyone.

TH: Well.

UARS: “Well.” Yes, well. That’s probably all there is to be said, so let’s leave it at that. OK here I goooOOOOO AGAINNNNNNNN. SEE YOU TOMOOORRROWWWWW.