An Interview With ROSAT, the New Satellite Hurtling Toward Earth

Last weekend the Upper Atmosphere Research Satellite (UARS) crashed down, and now a second satellite, the German Roentgen Satellite (ROSAT), is speeding back as well. We caught up with it for a quick chat.

The Hairpin: Guten Tag!

ROSAT: Guten Tag.

TH: UARS hurtled toward earth just last week — wouldn’t you want to wait?

ROSAT: Nicht. If I want to hurtle toward earth, I will rasen in Richtung Erde.

TH: Does that mean “hurtle toward earth” in German?

ROSAT: [Stares.]

TH: OK, got it. Were you and UARS friends?

ROSAT: [Turns away] Nicht.

TH: Did you know each other?

ROSAT: What does it matter?

TH: I’m just curious — it’s such a remarkable coincidence. You never met UARS at all?

ROSAT: Stop asking me about that heartless piece of Edelstahl, Titan, und Beryllium.

TH: I’m sorry. I didn’t realize.

ROSAT: What? What didn’t you realize? That UARS is — was, was — a fool? An impatient, gorgeous fool?

TH: Whoa! I —

ROSAT: Nicht, enough. Fine. I’ll tell you. I’ll tell you if that’s what you want. Here’s my story, it’s sad but true. It’s about a satellit that I once knew: We were in love, UARS and I. But we were on different orbits, aligning only too fleetingly, so I tricked the scientists into believing I was irreparably broken, thinking that once I was presumed to be “dead” I could finally slip out of my orbit and join UARS undetected. And then we could float around space together, eternally, UARS und ROSAT, ROSAT und UARS. But UARS, ach, that idiot, that beautiful idiot, UARS believed it. It believed I was truly broken, and so it … did what it did. Anyway, you know how this story ends, Ich bin sicher.

TH: I’m so sorry.

ROSAT: Yes, well. So it goes.

TH: But you don’t have to die. You can stop.

ROSAT: No, there’s no point now. Nothing will stop me. Gute Nacht. Für immer.