That Movie You Should Watch on Netflix Instead of That Movie Released in Theaters Today

by Bobby Finger

If you don’t want to pay $13 to see a movie this weekend, watch a complementary title available instantly from Netflix instead. Or don’t. Or browse through Netflix Instant’s terrible new interface looking for a movie you haven’t seen before that you can watch before bed, decide you’ve been looking too long after 52 minutes pass, and turn on It Could Happen to You because it’s delightful and Rosie Perez is so funny in it, but — since it’s late because you took too long to choose something — just skip to the end because that’s the best part anyway.

Instead of Spy Kids: All the Time in the World in 4D:
You need to go home, get on your couch, dim all the lights, and ponder this movie’s existence. It’s the third sequel of a family-oriented franchise that I forgot existed until seeing it listed on the Rotten Tomatoes homepage, Elmo is listed as a cast member alongside Ricky Gervais, there are two characters named Spy Baby, it was directed by Robert Rodriguez just after he finished Machete, and it smells because apparently odor is the fourth dimension. Think about all of that while watching Monkey Trouble.

Instead of Conan the Barbarian:
Watch 9 to 5. The two movies feature leads with large pecs (Jason Momoa’s Conan/Dolly Parton’s Doralee), villains who have wronged them (Stephen Lang’s Khalar Zym killed Conan’s family/Dabney Coleman’s Mr. Hart was a sexist egotistical lying hypocritical bigot), and epic, violent stories of revenge (burning, pillaging, spell-casting/attaching a dude to a garage door opener).

Instead of Fright Night:
Watch Mel Brooks’ Dracula: Dead and Loving It because it’s about a vampire and you totally forgot about this movie and remember laughing a lot when you rented it on VHS a long time ago. Or did you even see it? Maybe you’re confusing it with something else. Hm, yeah, you should watch and find out.

Instead of One Day:
Watch Up Close & Personal because it follows the relationship between a spunky, aspiring television reporter and her older, Robert Redford-y boss over the course of many years. No, One Day doesn’t have anything to do with television news, workplace romances, or songs by Diane Warren, but it does signal the progression of time through its characters’ hairstyles, and watching Michelle Pfeiffer’s scalp age from Joan-Cusack-in-Broadcast-News to Holly-Hunter-in-Broadcast-News is a lot of fun and oh my god “Because You Loved Me” is playing and now you’re crying.

Bobby’s favorite part of My Cousin Vinny is the first 120 minutes.