That Movie You Should Watch on Netflix Instead of That Movie Released in Theaters Today

by Bobby Finger

If you don’t want to pay $13 to see a movie this weekend, watch a complementary title available instantly from Netflix instead. Or don’t. Or discover that every episode of The Cosby Show is available to watch instantly and then visit Wikipedia’s list to find out which ones involve the Huxtables either performing a song or putting on some kind of elaborate production, because the best episodes of that series are the ones that showcase the Huxtables’ collective abilities to make your own family look painfully boring and untalented. Realizing that Rudy can lip sync better than you can do your job is difficult to accept, but come on, that time she did “Night Time is the Right Time” was awesome.

Instead of Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark:
Watch the miniseries The Kennedys. Seeing one movie starring Katie Holmes is like seeing every movie starring Katie Holmes, because Katie Holmes is only capable of portraying Katie Holmes attempting to be a character I like to call Someone Else. Someone Else can be anyone, really, from a woman dealing with the monsters that are terrorizing her family in a haunted house to a woman dealing with being Jackie Kennedy. To Ms. Holmes, every character is herself as Someone Else and Someone Else usually does that thing with her mouth.

Instead of Our Idiot Brother:
Watch Bio-Dome, mainly because I like to think Alec Baldwin calls all of his brothers “our idiot brother” and that each time he does, Stephen gets really upset and says, “Alec you’re just one person! ‘Our’ is a plural possessive pronoun!”

After Stephen makes his argument, Alec stands up from the leather chair I assume he’s been sitting in, takes a long sip of scotch and says, “I know.” He then leaves the room.

Instead of Colombiana:
Get your Zoe Saldana fix elsewhere. Colombiana was written by Luc Besson, a man known for creating memorable female action heroes, and Zoe portrays Cataleya, a hitman who is on the hunt for the people responsible for murdering her family. This is a good role for Zoe, who has over the past decade proven herself to be a commanding lead in a multitude of genres. This star power was undeniable even in the early days of her career, and that’s why you should watch Center Stage. If you watched Center Stage last weekend while cleaning your apartment because it’s just one of those movies you can “have on,” watch it again. You know you were going to anyway.

Previously: DOLLY.

Bobby Finger loves that scene in Soapdish when.

Photo by -Taurus-, via Shutterstock