Stretch Marks, Settling, and Vasectomies

by A Lady

I’ve got questions about stretch marks. I ate a lot of feelings in my teenage years, and at 20, I’m covered in stretch marks and overweight. I’m planning on losing the weight, but I don’t know what to do about the marks. I know everyone has some, but I have much more than is normal. They climb up my stomach, go across my back on either side, cover half my arms. Because of my weight and emotional issues, I’ve never been in a relationship or even kissed anyone.

When I lose the weight, I hope to approach normal life, which includes relationships or at least fooling around. The marks are very visible and tangible, and I don’t know how to handle any kind of fun naked time with the skin I’m in. What do you do when you’re uncomfortable with almost all of your skin, and you think other people might be, too? I think if I could be comfortable with myself and the marks, I could handle other people’s reactions better, but I don’t know. Help me, A Lady!

You keep using the word “normal” in a way that’s troubling, because it really shows how “un-normal” you feel. You don’t need to have any particular kind of body to be “normal” (and I think you mean “normal” more or less interchangeably with “fuckable” here), my dear, and any man or woman worth sleeping with knows that real people are covered in scars and marks and moles and stray hairs and pimples and random “what-do-you-think-this-is-honey-because-it-itches” patches. Becoming comfortable with your own body is so, so hard, and it’s a lifelong process. There’s never a moment where you’re like, “Oh dip! I just completed all the credits for my body-acceptance diploma!” My best friend jokes that it’s a good thing I knew I was supposed to have nipples or I would have picked mine off by now; I understand insecurity. And I feel confident that if you could magically erase your stretch marks you would find something else to feel crappy about, because that’s how the body loathing trap works. It makes you never completely in the present experiencing your life. It makes your world become really small, and minor things start taking on too much meaning. Try to step outside of that small space where you feel like all anyone will notice about you is whatever you’re currently loathing about yourself. And remind yourself as often as you need to that this IS normal life, and you don’t have to earn permission to start living it.

Do you think I’m being too picky? I’m pushing 30 and have been wanting a committed awesome dude (ideally, with kids on the horizon) for at least four years. In that time, I’ve jealously watched many friends marry and start what I see as their adult lives. Meanwhile I moved to this town for grad school at 27, suffered through a ton of too-immature, too-young grad school dudes for two years, as well as the loneliest period of my life. Six months ago, I finally settled on dating a sweet guy who works at a grocery store. I’m stressing the verb “settled,” because I’m worried that’s what I’m doing. I love his company, his quick, silly wit makes me laugh all the time, he’s genuinely interested in most of the things I’m into, and we have rad sex.

But he smokes too much pot, never went to college, doesn’t read books, and doesn’t seem to be motivated to do more with his life than work at a grocery store. Most of our fights revolve around him waking and baking (I think it’s fun every once in awhile, but depressing otherwise) or needing a hit before bed, but I think the reason I resent his weed consumption is more deep-seated. When we’re with my friends, I often cringe when he opens his mouth because I’m worried something naive or dumb will come out. He never has any money, which I don’t really care about, but it limits our recreational options and stresses him out, because he’s constantly worried he’s “not good enough for me.” Sometimes I worry that I’m dating a classic loser. Then I feel like an elitist asshole. I didn’t like dating grad school dudes because they were uniformly in love with their own egos and treated me poorly, while this dude is hardworking, refreshingly down-to-earth, pretty much convinced I hung the moon, and has helped me grow in important ways (he basically told me I drink too much, and I do! And I’m an asshole when I do! And now I drink less!). He has also promised to cut back on the weed, and I believe that he will.

Basically, I am worried that I’m using him for companionship, and I don’t see us working long-term, and at this point in my life, I can’t help but think long-term when I’m dating someone. But then I worry I’m putting too much on “long-term,” and also just paying too much attention to my overachieving, well-educated friends who are marrying similar people and having babies! And when I think about breaking up with him, it makes me very sad, I know I’d miss him terribly, and since we don’t have any serious problems except my “maybe he’s ultimately not on my life-experience level, maybe he’s not enough of a reader, will my friends think he’s stupid” doubts, I don’t know if I should!

Maybe I just need to change my jerky mindset? Or embrace being single until I find someone who’s better suited to me? I should also mention that he’s 27, so maybe needs some time to figure out his life, but I don’t know if I A) want to stick along for that ride, and B) want to be the Svengali who pushes him to go to college and/or find a career. I used to like that he worked at a co-op and didn’t go to college, and now I sometimes resent explaining things to him. But I hate feeling like a snob who doesn’t appreciate his other awesome gifts. Help?

I totally understand what you’re going through. While in grad school I, too, dated a guy I was embarrassed to bring around my academic friends. I, too, cringed when he opened his mouth. And then I realized I was being a fucking asshole, that it was unkind to keep dating someone I resented and/or thought I was too good for and/or was embarrassed of, and that he deserved to be with someone who appreciated him. In a nutshell, that I wasn’t doing him a favor by dating him.

You can’t help what you want, but it doesn’t sound like you’ve figured out just what that is yet. Your letter reads as coming from a place of insecurity, inside a person who spends a lot of time worried about “fitting in” and adhering to a specific timetable. There’s a curious narcissism to feeling unworthy of acceptance; I’ve heard it referred to as feeling like “the piece of shit at the center of the universe.” What I’m trying to get at is nobody really cares that much what you do or how long it takes you to do it or who you do it with; they’re too busy worrying about their own life. Real friends don’t care who you date so long as that person is good to you and makes you happy. What will make you happy? It might not be what will make you feel successful or like you’ve proved yourself.

You need to assume the person he is right now is for the most part the person he’ll be in the long run. Can you see yourself raising the kids you want with a stoner-y underachiever who thinks you hung the moon? Are you OK with being the breadwinner? Can you get over wishing he was more impressive on paper? Can you stop caring if other people think he’s a “classic loser”? If the answer is no, that’s totally OK — we all have a whole bunch of reasons we date who we date — but you need to cut him loose so you both can have a shot at finding more mutually respectful relationships.

Side note: Pleeeeaaase quit being jealous of your friends for getting married and having babies. This isn’t a contest, and it’s not like relationships stop being confusing and hard and a whole lot of work the moment rings (not to mention kids) get involved! You don’t have to prove yourself to anyone except yourself! I’m repeating myself, but this is a journey. There’s no finish line in life except death.

I’ve got a problem. I dated the most amazing man for the past seven months. He is kind, respectful, honest and we click on every level possible, including the most amazing sex of my life. I thought I had finally met the man I was going to marry. One problem: he doesn’t want any more children (he has two) and I cannot imagine my life without ever having one. He had a vasectomy a few years ago and we discussed if we stayed together the option of it being reversed. Well, last week he finally told me that he loved me more than anything, but he would rather be shot in the head than have another kid. I was crushed and I had to end things. I mean, what’s the point? He’s not changing my mind and I’m not changing his. We still love and care for each other very much and being without him is horrible. I know he feels the same. Weirdest break up of my life. There was no yelling or throwing of things, which only made it worse.

Last night, we somehow started texting and concocted a plan to remain friends and have sex. I know I’m not ready for a relationship right now with anyone new, and I know he isn’t either, and we still like each other very much. Seems like the perfect plan, but something in me is saying NO. I need some advice as to why this is bad, or some validation that it will be OK. Is this the making of a horribly unhealthy relationship, or can two people in this situation do this?

I read this and I felt weird because I’ve never had a “yelling and breaking of stuff” kind of breakup. I think all breakups are weird, though, in that they force us to acknowledge and talk about hard things.

I don’t know that I can give you a firm yes or no answer here. I think it’s clear that you both have deep feelings for each other. If you actually want to be broken up I don’t think you should sleep together, because if two people who love each other are sleeping together and aren’t dating other people how are they broken up at all? If you really want to get over this person and find someone new (and you might never find someone you like as much who does want to have kids, fyi — these are the weird compromises you have to make when you have clearcut future goals and plans) you shouldn’t be sleeping with him. The less oxytocin this man makes surge through your veins, the easier it will be to move on.

Good for you for listening to him, by the way. A lot of people think they can change their partners’ minds on these things and then get really angry when it’s five years later and they haven’t. I’m sorry you’re going through this; it sounds really tough.

Previously: Helping the Heartbroken and Asking for Things.

A Lady is one of several rotating ladies who know everything. Do you have any questions for A Lady?

Photo by JEO, via Shutterstock