Drunk Flirts, Insecurity, and the Man Who Mistook Himself for a Lesbian

by A Queer Chick

My (serious, three+ years) boyfriend and I are finally living out our mutual desire to have another woman join us in bed. Hooray! Everyone is getting off, everyone is highly aroused, Saturday night bootie calls are BACK, and we all seem to really enjoy each other’s company, which is great. Like dream come true, really. We have successfully (so far) negotiated the bringing-someone-new-into-an-established-relationship-and-how-we-might-both-feel-about-that stuff. So what is my problem? It’s not so much a problem as something he and I have talked about and tried to figure out and then concluded that there is not really anything we can do about this, but I still wanted to get your opinion.

So this girl that we are seeing is umm OK she is really hot, we both think. She is curvy and soft and has a beautiful face. But she has self-esteem body issues (which is weird, really, considering how sexually open she is). She wears tights even in summer, always covers up her mid-section when we are fooling around, that kind of thing. And she always puts on clothes before getting up to walk to the bathroom/get water/find her phone. Maybe because my boyfriend and I live together and we’re very comfortable with each other/ourselves, but we run around naked all the time pre/post sex and we want her to feel more comfortable doing that, too. I am not sure if this is heightened by the fact that my boyfriend and I are both athletic-bodied or if she would do this no matter what we looked like. She always compliments me and says that I am “perfect,” which is like, OK fine, but also you are beautiful, too, you beautiful woman I get to see naked! We can both be beautiful!

So my question is: Other than continuing to tell her we think she is hot shit (but not overdoing it, obviously), is there anything that we can do to convince her that her body is great too and we love being with her? Also this experience has made me really mad(der than usual) about what is considered beautiful/hot for women and how that is portrayed every day everywhere. Not that this woman necessarily is relying on Marie Claire to tell her how to look, but I’m just saying.

For real, there is nothing more eye-opening than meeting someone who doesn’t fit the traditional beauty standards and realizing that you want to fuck their brains out. It’s like all the lies and illusions melt away and, in one shining moment of clarity, you look at the beauty magazines and the cosmetics companies and say, “Fuck all y’all.”

Unfortunately, this girl doesn’t have same empirical evidence of her hotness that you do (by “empirical evidence” I am of course referring to the boner you get when you check out her awesome curves). Like a lot of women in our culture, she’s constantly bombarded by messages telling her that the way she looks is not okay, and that no one will ever want to sleep with her, despite the fact that someone obviously does. You’re right that this is super fucked up and unfair, but unfortunately there isn’t much you can do about it. Attacking her insecurities head-on — becoming strident in your insistence that she not get dressed before going to get a glass of water, for example — will only make her feel insecure about being insecure, which is just way too meta for anyone to process without a serious loss of wood.

You and your boyfriend should just keep doing what you’re doing. Tell her that she’s gorgeous whenever the spirit moves you to do so. In addition to generic “you’re so hot” comments, it probably wouldn’t hurt to tell her what specifically you find sexy — is it her curvy calves, her luscious ass, the way her breasts move when she’s on top? Let her know the particulars, so she doesn’t feel like you’re just calling her pretty to soothe her ego. Also, give her compliments even when she’s not naked. Someone who only says nice things about your body during sex automatically has suspect motives. A simple “Damn, your cleavage looks hot in that shirt” might just do wonders.

Finally, when you’re around her, it wouldn’t be a bad idea to comment on other women with similar body types who you find attractive. Again, this is about letting your lady friend know that you and your boyfriend aren’t just being sweet because she gives amazing head, but you actually do like to look at curvy women. I don’t mean you should start cat-calling plus-sized chicks on the street, but if Queen Latifah gives you funny feelings inside, or you wish you had Mia Tyler’s phone number — and who among us doesn’t wish that? — feel free to mention it.

[This column will now take a 10-minute break while I peruse the Google image search results for Mia Tyler. Feel free to join me in this endeavor, and ponder how in the world a dude as bizarre-looking as Steven Tyler managed to have such hot offspring.]

One of my BFFs is a woman who has some…gender issues, I guess? She’s sort of mannish, anyway, and many of our friends think she may be post-op MTF. I personally think she may be intersexed or maybe just hormone imbalance but anyway shut up, she obviously wants to be treated as a woman since she presents herself as a very femme lady, and it’s none of our business what is or used to be in her pants, right?

Anyway — this girl is really neurotic in a lot of ways, one of them being that she pretty much never wants anybody to see her naked, ever (maybe because of aforementioned issues, but who knows). She’s sworn off dating because of the physical intimacy aspect of it. I’ve never heard her talk about having any kind of sexual feelings or desire for another person, and when the rest of us ladies are chatting about sex she clams right up. Which is fine by me; she should do as she likes.

The problem is this: We go out drinking together a fair amount, and I know she likes to get drunk because it’s the only time she really loosens up. But sometimes, when we are drunk together, she gets really touchy and flirtatious with me — and it makes me SUPER uncomfortable. Other ladies in our friend group have reported the same. If a guy friend of mine behaved like this, I would have been like “hey back off dude” a while ago. But I’m worried about confronting her about it because she has such a hard time being herself and I don’t want to drive her further into her shell, or have her stop hanging out with me because she feels awkward and embarrassed. How can I say “hey it’s fine if you’re a lesbian but you need to stop hitting on me” in a delicate way?

Have you tried saying “Hey, it’s fine if you’re a lesbian, but you need to stop hitting on me”? When someone is laying the mack on you in a way that makes you uncomfortable, worry about getting her to cut that shit out first, soothing her fragile feelings second. If you can’t bring yourself to tell this girl that her gropey drunken ways are not cool, you’re going to have to stop getting drunk with her. However, this is The Hairpin and I am contractually proscribed from giving advice that includes the words “stop getting drunk,” so let’s work on option A, shall we?

Yes, it sounds like your friend has what we professional and highly trained columnists would describe as Some Issues. I’m not sure why you included your speculation regarding the contents of her undergarments, since even you concede that it’s not really relevant to your question, but anyways. A lady who is uninterested in physical intimacy and thus avoids dating may just be asexual (although of course asexual folks can and do date); a lady who is uninterested in physical intimacy except when she gets drunk and feels up her friends is repressing some shit. If she wants to confide in you about what that shit might be, whether it’s non-standard lady bits, confusion over her orientation, or something entirely different, that’s up to her. All you can do is try to demonstrate that she can trust you by being a good friend.

“Being a good friend” does not mean keeping your mouth shut when she makes unwanted advances, however. In fact, as a long-time person who has friends, I can attest that honesty is kind of a crucial part of the equation. Which means you need to tell her what’s bugging you. Tell her that it’s totally cool if she’s into chicks, but you don’t like her that way, and she needs to keep her hands to herself. Hopefully the whole experience will be embarrassing enough for both of you that she won’t want to go through it twice, and will therefore never flirt with you again.

I can’t absolutely guarantee that this approach will not lead to her retreating socially, at least for a while. She probably is going to feel a little awkward around you. Respect that, but continue to demonstrate your affection for her — keep calling, keep asking her to hang out — and she should realize that one unpleasant conversation doesn’t mean the end of your friendship.

I am a lady who considers myself a pretty fluid person and have recently been exploring my own sexuality. This is probably a pretty basic question but as a lady what exactly does it mean to “have sex” with another lady? When exploring dudeland it is pretty clear where the “having sex” line is for me (penetration), and while I know it is all up to personal opinion/interpretation I was wondering if there was some sort of agreed upon or understood definition for lady-on-lady sex?

Having sex with a lady=fisting. Haven’t you ever heard the expression “No glove, no love”? That didn’t originally refer to condoms; it referred to the long-standing agreement in the lesbian community that a tryst does not count as lovemaking until one person’s entire latex-gloved hand is inside the other person.

No, OK, obviously I’m joking, and I apologize for making fun of you while you’re trying to figure out where you stand. I just don’t get the rampant desire for one official definition of Dyke Sex. There are so many different activities and positions and accessories that fall into the category of “sex.” Why would you want to relegate all but one or two of them to some lower status?

When I say “Hey, we should have sex tonight” to my partner, I might mean anything from cunnilingus to [redacted because like hell I am telling you all what kind of kinky shit we get up to]. I think that’s how sex should be, even for straight folks. I don’t see why awesome things like 69ing should be dismissed as “foreplay” while P-in-V gets all the credit. Doesn’t that get boring? If you already know how you’re gonna cross the finish line, where’s the fun in running the race? (Yes, I acknowledge that that analogy made zero sense. Please just roll with it.) I really, deeply believe that you get to define sex for yourself based on what gets you off or what feels the most intimate for you. If that’s penetration, cool; if it’s orgasms, great; if it involves the full cast and scenery for Spider-Man: The Musical, have a blast. Ultimately, my opinion on girl-on-girl sex can best be expressed as “Go out and have some.”

Oh, and be safe. “Exploring my sexuality” sounds like it could be code for “going on a slut rampage,” which I obviously totally support. If that’s the case, though, be aware that anyone who tells you lesbian sex can’t spread STDs is an evil, shameless liar. Gloves, dental dams (I knooooow, they’re awful) and condoms on your more insert-y toys are an unfortunate necessity.

I’m a straight girl, but have long been close friends with many people on every letter of the LGBT spectrum, and so my question relates to something that isn’t so much offensive to me personally as on their behalf. Basically, I have a guy friend who claims to identify as a lesbian. Like, he’s a dude with dude parts (and no desire to trade them in) and he’s only attracted to women, but ~~~inside~~~ he feels like a lesbian. He says this because he “doesn’t feel traditionally masculine” and “is attracted to lesbians.” I told him I don’t think that’s a thing, liking gay girls is not the definition of lesbianism, and furthermore it sounds like more of a fetish than identity. But I can’t argue with him because he deeply clings to this as part of his core being, and gets upset if people call him out on it. BUT SERIOUSLY. He’s a man attracted to a certain type of woman. That, to me, is a straight man. It’s like girls falling in love with their gay friends and wishing they’d been born a gay man — it happens, but they generally don’t espouse the conviction that they are LITERALLY A GAY MAN INSIDE. Right? Please back me up on this. Have you encountered it before and is it as obnoxious to you as it is to me? Oh, he’s also in a LTR with a girl who previously was only attracted to women, so even though they’ve been together for years he refers to her as a lesbian. I’m rolling my eyes so hard right now I think I’ll get whip lash. Guh.

What? No. What? I don’t even — what? What is up with this guy? NO. This is why we can’t have nice things.

Words have meanings, people! “Lesbian” means “a woman who has sex with other women.” The continued functioning of our language hinges on the assumption that your definition of a word is approximately the same as mine. If we can’t assume that, we can’t communicate, and civilization will LITERALLY CRUMBLE. Commerce will grind to a halt. Skyscrapers will topple. We’ll all be sleeping in trees and hunting cats for food by next Wednesday. Are you listening, “lesbian” dude? You are single-handedly destroying Western society. I hope you’re happy.

I know I said a while back that there is no litmus test for lesbians, but you actually do have to be a woman. (If you are a woman born with boy-parts, obviously you can still join the club.) A lack of “traditional masculinity” is not enough to get you through the door. You can get it up for the gay ladies all you want, but even convincing a dyke to date you does not change the fact that you are not a woman. Sorry, guy. I know it’s rough.

If I knew this dude in real life, we would probably not hang out, because I would get drunk and say all of the above and then he would never talk to me again. However, since it sounds like you are friends with him and want to stay that way, you’re going to have to approach it more diplomatically or not at all. If you decide it’s worth pursuing, you should tell him very calmly and sweetly that you find his insistence on calling himself a lesbian appropriative and, yes, offensive. (Aside: You don’t have to be offended “on behalf of” us homos. You can go ahead and just be offended on your own behalf because he’s being a juicebox.)

As I’ve said before, and will probably say again because I love nothing more than repeating myself, it is super uncool to adopt a marginalized identity that does not accurately reflect your own experience in the world. If you are a man who dates women, you can walk down the street holding hands with your lover and no one will yell threats at you from passing cars. Your parents will not refuse to acknowledge the existence of your partner. You will not be chastised for expressing affection where children can see it. You do not face the discrimination and adversity that comes with moving through the world as a queer woman. To call yourself a lesbian because you like baking and chicks with short hair trivializes the lived experience of real live dykes.

If I were you, I would say all of that to your friend. I would end by saying, “Of course, you have the right to call yourself anything you want. But I have the right to think you are a total schmuck for doing so.” Then I would steal his girlfriend.

Previously: Coming Out, Hot Friends, and Facebook Chat.

A Queer Chick is a queer chick who knows everything. Do you have a question for A Queer Chick?