Ask a Clean Person: Butt Marker, Cast Iron, and Hood Grease

The other day I had a birthday party and my jorts ripped on the butt, but I was completely drunk and my underwear mostly covered my ass, so I kept wearing them. But then my friends wrote on my butt “It’s my birthday!” with permanent marker. And then I went to pee and now there is a permanent marker stain on my plastic toilet seat. Got any tips?

Well sure, who among us hasn’t had this happen?

Two things to try: First give our pal Mr. Clean a shout and see if one of his Magic Erasers will do the trick. I suspect it will! But if not, ring up our old friends the Motsenbocker’s — remember them? The ones who got nail polish up from your carpeting? — for a bottle of Lift Off #3. That will take care of the problem.

Last year, I bought 3 cast iron skillets of varying sizes for $15 at some outdoor antiques fair. SCORE! Only they are completely caked in rust. The guy who sold it to me said to just scrub them down and they’d be good as new… except that didn’t really work and I’m not sure if I did more damage than good. So, how DO you clean a rusty cast iron skillet properly so that they can be used to cook delicious bacon and other good stuff? Or should I just give up, give in and buy new ones?

No no, never give up!! OK, if I’m being honest, I would totally give up, which is why I asked commentess Kariface, who works in the houseware industry, to talk us through the process of de-rusting and seasoning a cast-iron skillet. Ready? You’re so ready! Quoth Kari:

Well-loved cast iron for a steal. Got to love it. However, like most pieces on the cheap, they’ll need some love to get them back into proper order. It’ll take some time, effort, and patience, but it’s well worth it in the long run.

Rust Removal: There are three options for you for rust removal: ketchup, fire, or your oven. Yes, ketchup! Get a heavy-duty wire brush (look for them in your hardware store), douse your pans with ketchup, let sit for about fifteen minutes, and then scrub away. The acidity in the ketchup will help dissolve the rust. You’ll also give your arm a good workout as well. Another option, if you have access to a fire pit (and really, who doesn’t? Gosh), you can get a big fire going, and literally burn the rust off the pans. Finally, if you’re not a pyromaniac, you can put the pans in your oven, set it to the “clean” cycle, and cook them clean for a few hours.

Seasoning: Once the rust is gone, it’s time to “season” your pans. Seasoning them will make them dark, glossy, and non-stick. You’re going to need a neutral oil like canola, vegetable, or you can even use Crisco. Just be sure to not use any flavored oils (olive, sesame) as they will turn rancid and you’ll have to start all over again.

Turn on your oven to 200 degrees, and put your pans in there, dry, for about a half hour. This will dry them out completely, and open up the pores. Next, remove the pans, and turn the oven up as high as it will go (around 450 to 500). While the oven is coming to temperature, coat the pans with whatever oil you’re using, take a dry towel and wipe out all of the excess. You want the pans to be pretty dry, but still lubed up. Put the pans in the hot oven, and don’t touch them. Let them sit in there for a few hours, then turn the oven off and let them completely cool before removing them. Then, the boring part — you’ll want to repeat this step at least 2 more times before you’re good to go.

Finally, after all that work your pans will be ready! Taking the care to do all these boring steps will really pay off in the long run — you’ll have nonstick, heavy pans that you will never have to worry about. Cleaning them is totally easy, too; use very hot water, and wipe them out — no abrasive cleaners, no soap, and no scrubbing. Keep them in good shape, and they’ll last forever. And if your idiot roommate/ex-boyfriend leaves them soaking in the sink, and they get gnarly, just start the whole process again.

I just read the hard clean column, but what about keeping the greasy funk off and out of the hood above the stove? I feel like those go from clean to disgusting really quickly, and the greasy film that collects doesn’t always respond to all-purpose cleaner. It seems like a scrub sponge and soft scrub would work, but I feel like that would drip and be hard to fully rinse off. Suggestions?

Mmm-hm, I sure do have suggestions! Two of ’em, actually!

The first is ammonia. Ammonia is absolutely aces on grease. However — and this is a pretty big however — it’s up there with bleach on the list of things that aren’t super friendly to our great green earth, or to your manicure. (Also we all remember the bleach + ammonia rule? That it’s a huge big whopping no-no? The combo creates toxic fumes and you could quite literally kill yourself, so be careful out there.)

The thing is, though… ammonia really does work better than anything else, so if you’re up for it here’s what you’ll do: Get a pair of rubber gloves and put them on. Mix up a ammonia solution in a bowl or bucket — that’s equal parts ammonia to water, with a splurt of dishwashing soap if you’re feeling festive — and get after that hood with a sponge or rag. You will inevitably drip onto your stove, so remove any grates before you start washing the hood and wipe the range down with a spritz of all-purpose cleaner and a paper towel when you’re done getting your hood ungreasified.

For those of you who abhor ammonia, go on and make a cleaning solution out of hot water and regular dishsoap, preferably a brand like Palmolive or Dawn that’s known for its grease-fighting prowess. Because this solution won’t cut through sticky residue as well as the ammonia solution will, pick up a dobie pad, which will help scour the grease off without scratching the surface of your hood.

Previously: Cleaning 101.

Jolie Kerr is not paid to endorse any of the products mentioned in this column, but she sure would be very happy to accept any free samples the manufacturers care to send her way! Are you looking for a green alternative to the suggestions found here? Because we’ve got some! More importantly: Is anything you own dirty?

Photo via Flickr