Wait, You Don’t Listen to Barry White While Applying for Jobs?

by Alisa Goldman

Reasons you should listen to Barry White while you’re applying for jobs:

– Barry White makes you feel sexy and attractive. You, in turn, are then more attractive as you write your cover letters. The employers can sense this through your typed words.

– Applying for jobs blows. But, with Barry White’s voice in your ears, you can envision some kind of quid pro quo, where if you apply to these next 10 jobs you might get laid.

– You can sign off your cover letters telling your potential employer that they are, “My First, My Last, My Everything.” Your desperation, once again, only makes you more attractive.

– As you sit in your local coffeeshop with Barry in your earbuds, you will inevitably start moving to the music. It is unavoidable. All the boys in the yard will see your milkshake and want some of that. You may not get a job, but you’ll get some uncomfortable solicitations from strangers.

Appropriate excuses for not listening to Barry White while you’re applying for jobs:

 — You just moved here from some obscure Eastern European country that has no black people, let alone the soulful sounds of Mr. White. You are forgiven for the first two months of living here for not listening to him.

– You are deaf. Fair.

– Barry White reminds you of this very traumatic time when you were sleeping with an older married man who had a heart attack when you mounted him as “Can’t Get Enough of Your Love, Babe” played. He and his cardiologist now believe that, in fact, he could get enough of your love.

– You’re too busy listening to Al Green while applying for jobs.

Alisa Goldman just got a job while you were reading this post. True story.