The Real Facts About Sunscreen

Apparently Edith has commissioned a Scientist to explain sunscreen to us in the near future, so let’s get you properly informed in the interim.

1. Individuals who spend their day in darkened bedrooms (perhaps they have wasting diseases?) still need to reapply every two hours. More if they become inexplicably wet.

2. You should begin applying sunscreen all over your body on a daily basis a few months before your planned beach vacation, to build up a protective sunscreen exoskeleton.

3. Your mineral-based makeup with SPF is a lie.

4. Your SPF lip balm is a lie.

5. Your clothing affords little if any protection from the sun’s aging rays, so you should buy these special garments that were most recently featured in Modesty Today.

6. Fatal melanomas will invariably appear on your scalp, under your boobs, between your toes, or on your labia, and by the time you notice them, they will already have metastasized to your brain, rendering you incapable of telling that they are not delicious M&Ms.;

7. If you ever used a tanning bed in high school, you are 100% guaranteed to die of skin cancer within the next twenty minutes.

8. The only sunscreens that work without trapping the sun’s radiation ON YOUR FACE FOREVER are available exclusively in Europe, where no one uses sunscreen anyway, so you should fly to Barcelona and bring back extra for your friends.

9. While all of the above are simultaneously true, you must spend at least fifteen to twenty minutes a day exposing your bare, un-sunscreened forearms to direct sunlight in order to make Vitamin D, or you will a) die, and b) have autistic babies.