Revenge Tips, Infertility, and the Lumpy Lumberjack

by A Lady

Note. For optimal infallibility and objective correctness, A Lady has brunchsourced this batch of questions. At the relevant brunch, Dudes were present, and their opinions may be reflected in these answers. They were cool, though, I promise.

I very recently broke up with a relatively long-term boyfriend who I found out is a pathological liar and a many-times-over cheater. He’s currently on vacation and he left a lot of stuff at my apartment before he took off (and before I found out and broke it off). He will need to come back for the stuff as soon as he gets back, so I know exactly when that would be. My question is what the biggest “fuck you” would be — leaving his stuff with my doorman and not seeing him at all, opening the door and handing it to him while not letting him in and then saying bye and shutting the door in his face, or something else?

My goal is for him to know I am over him even if somewhat angry (because, well, I am over him because who can continue dating that huge of an asshole and I am obviously still angry). I also want to avoid a conversation where he will continue to lie and try to deny things that I know for a fact are true but he doesn’t know I know (because he doesn’t know exactly how I finally found out about his cheating). Also, note that our breakup consisted only of one email from me (email was by necessity because he traveling out of the country) and a somewhat lame but apologetic-while-still-trying-to-deny-things email back from him, to which I have not responded and don’t really plan on responding.

I would also appreciate any tips for subtle but effective revenge. This guy deserves it.

No passive-aggressive funny business with giving the stuff back, OK? All that’s going to do is shift the burden of disproving crazy onto you and allow this guy to say to himself (and possibly his friends), “I’m so glad I’m out of that, that girl was so much drama anyway, can you believe she _______.” The reason it’s even occurring to you to be like “so, do I set his stuff on one big fire, or several smaller fires?” is because you’re not over it. It’s cool! One doesn’t automatically get over juiceboxes upon learning they’re juiceboxes. No one actually expects you to be over it.

Still, what you want, for maximum knife-to-the-heart impact, is to act like someone who is, in fact, over it. A personal mantra of a lady’s is Act Normal Until You Become Normal. Let’s look around, see what normal, totally over-it humans are doing when they give each other their stuff back, and model your behavior on them. A YouTube search of “giving stuff back” just turned up Justin Bieber and some elephant that gave massages, so we’re going to have to actually venture out into the totally real world of my brain. Let’s see, scanning mind for times I gave stuff back in a normal way. . . OK! I found this girl’s phone in a cab once, and she came by my work to pick it up. “I’ve got your phone right here,” I said, handing it over.

“Thank you sooo much!” she said.

“No problem,” I said, smiling politely. “Take care!”

Practice that in the mirror 100 times. No problem!/polite smile/Take care! Now practice it 100 more times until he shows up. By the time he does, you will be totally normal, I promise. If he tries to explain something, just look confused, like he’s gone off script, and just keep cheerfully repeating “no problem!” and “take care!”

Also, the only revenge is fucking his friends. Anything else just makes you look crazy. Friend-fucking makes you look crazy but also DESIRABLE.

Hi. This feels like a mess of stuff to dump into an advice column question, so sorry for that.

I’m single, in my mid-twenties and unable to have children. A medical condition that had my ovaries making shanks while I slept and trying to murder me in painful ways made saying goodbye to both of them (individually and with four years in between) completely necessary. I’ve been dealing with being 30 years early with menopause and knowing that biokids aren’t in the cards for me for a little over a year, and I’m pretty OK with it all. I wasn’t really planning on being a mother, so that’s not a thing, and hot flashes are terrible, but whatever.

What’s bothering me about the whole thing is dating. I want to date, and I want to date nice young men around my own age, but the etiquette of disclosing my situation is tripping me up. Of the dudes I’ve been with and told about this (usually either a little before or a little after having sex for the first time), I’ve gotten two responses. A) “Oh sweet, we don’t have to use condoms now!” (BZZT! Wrong.) or B) him slowly backing away with a pitying/horrified look. Obviously, I’m not thrilled about either. And honestly, I’m thinking that a lot of really good guys are being put off by knowing that there’s no picket-fence nuclear family future with me; even the ones who don’t want kids themselves are put out by the fact that it just can’t happen if they change their minds.

So I guess the question is this: am I going about this wrong? When should I start talking to my gentlemen callers about this? I don’t really want to be playing the barren card on first dates, but getting invested with someone only to learn they aren’t willing to deal with the life-goal divergence or the minor sexual issues (which are fixable, like most things, with lube and communication) really, really sucks. Sucks so much that I don’t even want to try to meet anyone sometimes: I don’t feel “broken,” but some of these guys’ attitudes have really made me wonder.

Am I asking too much to want to meet someone who doesn’t think this is a Federal issue and won’t be weird about it or, worse, bolt? Is my instinct correct to just sit it out and just let a sex life/future relationship go? Do I need to give myself permission to stop stressing about it and just adopt a BILLION CATS? Any help would be good, thanks.

AHHH. Oh my god stop it stop it stop it. The problem is not that these dudes are put off — or turned on? — by the state of your internal organs. The problem is that you are talking about anything to do with babies or not babies or whatever way too soon. Do not EVER say anything about babies, including “no babies,” the first time you have sex! That just makes everyone feel like there’s a giant ghost baby in the room, watching. Seriously, these dudes are like “Nooo not the giant ghost baby!” and that is why they are backing away looking scared. The ones who are totally into it are actually the ones I’m worried about. Like, it’s awesomer for them to not use a condom in the presence of a giant ghost baby than it is to use one in a room with no ghosts? Condoms < ghosts? Dudes are so confusing! (Condoms kind of look like ghosts though I guess? I never thought of that before until I just thought about it for the entire rest of my life, fuck.)

Now when things start getting serious, like maaaybe when you talk about the “where is this going” feelings you can bring up “Yes we have no ovaries.” But do it in a way that’s like, “if there’s a problem here, it’s yours, Dude,” because even if he does want babies, and you want babies, I mean, there are ways to cross that bridge made of babies when you come to it but for god’s sake don’t step on the babies. I think what you should say in these conversations is something like “. . .also, in case you have, I don’t know, some weird impregnation fetish or something. . .” OK? So step 1, hold off, step 2, shame him. And that is all the advice there really is in the world about anything: “Hold off, then shame him.”

I’ve been dating a lovely dude for about a year now, after spending the better part of a decade being single and being a sad sack about it. Now I find myself in a situation that I would have rolled my eyes at a year ago.

My boyfriend is intelligent, responsible, sweet, funny, caring, kind, emotionally mature, physically and verbally affectionate, and has a killer beard and super sexy chest hair. We talk on the phone twice every day, text often, and have sex multiple times a day when we see one another (which is about three or four days every week). Our relationship is not perfect, but we sanely fight and talk out our issues. We are both growing together, and it is absolutely the healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in. Being with him has made me a more confident, relaxed, happier person.

The problem (“problem”) is that while I enjoy doing the nasty with him, and I feel so, so comforted in his presence, I don’t feel any crazy, in-lust sparks. I wish he was more physically attractive, and his weight, style, and slightly feminine mannerisms turn me off and sometimes embarrass me. Like when I see him after a long break, it takes me a while to warm up to his appearance. I don’t feel jazzed up just by looking at him.

On the one hand, I think “Ah! What the fuck is wrong with me! This man is a fucking CATCH, and I’d better grow up and accept him, quirks and all.” But on the other hand, I think “You really are a bad person. First hand was right. I hope your room in hell is uncomfortable.” I feel really guilty for feeling this way, especially since my boyfriend tells me I’m so beautiful and desirable all the time. But I don’t feel that chemical pull that I have felt with other people, and I don’t know if I should be holding out for it.

So, is it normal not to feel totally gaga about your partner’s looks? Are there women who successfully upgraded their partner’s appearance? Isn’t that condescending and disrespectful? Should I just be mature, get over it, and love and appreciate him for all of his sterling qualities? That’s what I’m hoping to hear.

Hang on. I am trying to untangle all the threads here so I can knot you a beautiful friendship bracelet of amazing advice, but I keep getting snarled. You have some kind of lumpy, femme-y lumbjerjack whom you fuck three times a day without being that attracted to? What is a killer beard? What are you feeling that you are fucking multiple times a day if not a chemical pull? How do you get anything else done?

The best I can tell, we have two separate-ish problems here. One, you have a great boyfriend but he’s not cute-cute and so maaaaybe you want to fancy him up a bit so he’s even greater. That may well be condescending and disrespectful, but it is also part of a long and reputable tradition of ladies telling their dudes they look so good when they stand up straight/take off their glasses/whatever. So good! Literally you have never looked this good before, actually you looked kind of bad? (NB: At the brunching of this question I was like “I mean, and that sort of tweaking can go both ways. . .” and the dudes present were like “nooo no, it cannot, oh my god, no never ever, no dudes ever try that.” So this is dude-loving-lady-only advice, I guess.) Go for it. I think positive reinforcement is key here, like “wow you look so sexy when you change the fuck out of those repulsive Vibrams,” as opposed to purely negative, e.g. “I threw up in your Vibrams because that’s all they’re good for, you clown.” Also I think this might be limited to style issues and not body-type stuff. You could try the “let’s exercise together!” method, though, but I know I’d be like “um, motherfuck your exercise?”

Problem 2 is that maybe you like a guy who doesn’t give you the Makeout Feeling, which is what we are now calling that feeling that’s all ahhh! and smooosh and fireworks etc., even though the sex is happening all the time because of some combo of orgasms/boredom? What you want to know is if you should you cling to the Makeout Feeling even as you know you must one day shed the flesh and chains of this world? This is like the central human dilemma, the deafening dance of eros and thanatos: ashes to ashes plus where is Makeout Feeling? First of all, go a little easier on yourself for sometimes wondering if there’s something better than even Killer Beard. No one — even people who were formerly single! — sits around shivering with gratitude at their partner’s greatness all the time. Are you a genocidal dictator? No? Then you’re not going to any hells. That said, eventually dude has a right to know if you’re just barely tolerating his penis a million times a day, so he can decide if that’s an authentic enough experience of love/sex/lovesex for him. I say go through with some style upgrades if you can, think hard about what, if anything, created the chemistry in previous situations (e.g., was it just newness? did you used to have it during first months of dating this dude? was it even sweeter chest hair? a bitchin’ moustache!?) and maybe have a Dan Savage-versation about like, “there is a X% chance I might bang someone else,” because the struggle to deny the Makeout Feeling is not one us meddling kids always win, and at least that way dude gets a chance to decide on his own risk-tolerance while you sort your shit out. Oh, also once you get it sorted out it will immediately become unsorted, and then you will re-sort and etc, etc. welcome to adulthood, it’s all sorting shit and interminable conversations about feelings from now on.

What a great bracelet I made! See you next summer, Cabin Whipoorwhill 4eva!

Previously: Infidelity Fallout, Drug Habits, and Long-Distance Feelings.

A Lady is one of several rotating ladies who know everything. Do you have any questions for A Lady?

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