Reading Between the Texts: Hooking Up Is Hard to Do

By Katie Heaney July 11, 2011

The Text
J: I’m coinmg overrr ot your room!!!

The Analysis
J: Oh God oh God oh God oh God.
K: It’s probably fine.
J: I POUNDED ON HIS DOOR! AT 2 AM!!
K: It’s college. If that didn’t happen on the weekends, people would be like, “Something is amiss.”
J: But I just…went over there…even though he never responded!
K: You were just trying to save time. Is that why you sprinted? You ran away from the bar amazingly quickly. I’ve never seen anyone run like that.
J: I even packed an overnight bag! With eight pairs of socks, for unknown reasons!!!!!
K: Why did you think you needed any pairs of socks??
J: I don’t know!! And I just kept whispering to the RA who snatched me, “It’s ok. It’s ok. Shhhhh. It’s ok. It’s ok. Shhhh. Be quieter. We are on the inside of a building.”
K: I don’t get why that didn’t work. Authorities love being shushed.
J: Well the next time he texts me trying to initiate some late-night action, I am NOT going to respond. … For at least, like, ten minutes.

The Texts
R: Want to know what I’m wearing?
Him: HYEYYYYaslkdfhj ( xoooo :)x

The Analysis
R: Oh great, he’s DRUNK and OUT WITH HIS FRIENDS and probably BANGING SOME OTHER GIRL literally RIGHT ON TOP OF THE BAR.
K: That can’t possibly be allowed.
R: *wailing*
K: What if he isn’t drunk and that message was intentional??
R: *cry-drooling* Explain to me what world that makes sense in!!
K: OK look, at first he’s like “HEY” which is just barely messed up because he was using his left hand because his right hand was covering his mouth, like, “Good heavens!!” Then the “aslkdfhj” is like “Ahhh I’m so hot and bothered that I can’t even put it into real words.” THEN, the first parenthesis is…a crescent moon! Like you guys are standing under the night sky, and he’s like, kissing you, and gives you…four…hugs…and then smiles at you, and then KISSES YOU AGAIN! Actually he is being perfect!!
R: Oh. My. GOD!!! He is so romantic I could shoot somebody.

The Texts
K: Hey I’m at the bar, are you coming out tonight?
Him: Nah, hanging out with the gf tonight.

The Analysis
R: What?? I’m so sorry. Where did that come from?
K: I don’t know. I shouldn’t be surprised. There were a lot of signs that it wasn’t going to happen.
R: Like what?
K: I don’t know, he wore a lot of weird pants.
R: That’s true. But still, who is this girlfriend??
K: I don’t KNOW, she probably is some little street urchin who lived in an underground tunnel for fifteen years, singing with her dumb dog, and then emerged through a manhole one day to be swept into the arms of a billionaire who gave her a makeover, and then she moved to a new school and got really popular and started being mean but then made up for it by being really great at math, and then the cheerleaders were like “How are we going to win, this other girl broke her leg?” and then she was like “Oh I can do all these FLIPS because I am just soooooo PERFECT.” And then they won nationals, and then the two of them met and he was like, “well aren’t you just so F-ING TALENTED.”
R: Was that Annie in there, a little bit? And Mean Girls? And Bring It On?
K: Ugh, it doesn’t matter, he has a STUPID face and I DON’T CARE.
R: Well, it sounds like you’re taking this really well.
K: I JUST NEED TO GET SOME GODDAMN FUCKING TACOS OR SOMETHING.

The Texts
B: Am I spending the night? 😉
Him: I have class tomorrow. But you can snuggle if you want.

The Analysis
K: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
B: It is NOT FUNNY!
K: I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, hahahahahahahahahahahaha.
B: Since when does having something tomorrow prevent him from having sex tonight?
K: Maybe the physical exertion would drain him, and he has an exam tomorrow? This is really just about him being a good student.
B: Bullshit! And what does he mean you can snuggle? How do I snuggle myself??
K: I don’t know! Why are you asking ME that????? I don’t know about that!!!!!!!
B: I swear to God, I would not have given him a blowjob if I knew things would turn out this way.
K: This is like that book. “If you give a moose a blowjob.”
B: What. WHAT?!
K: Never mind. The point is, it can lead to trouble.