Lost Friends, Beer Analogies, and “Am I an Abomination?”

by A Lady

I am (pretty newly) 23 years old. I am done with high school, done with college, working my first Office Job in a Big City. It’s pretty cool except for this thing that I am freaking out about this one thing: I am a virgin. Not too terrible, right? A lot of my friends are virgins, and a lot of them aren’t. Oh well! I have given exactly one blowjob and I don’t think I did it right.

But here’s the other thing: I have never masturbated. It goes without saying I’ve never had an orgasm. I’ve given it a halfhearted effort, maybe, three times, with my uhm, fingers, and it mostly just felt weird, and I was nervous about my fingernails (which are super-short and filed and smooth but still). I’ve read “I’m a virgin at [age x]” columns before, but all those ladies knew they could at least masturbate. Even Queen Elizabeth probably had dudes for très privé sexytime.

Is there something horrible the matter with me? Do I not like sex? Am I not wired for sex? I know that I am not asexual, because I am attracted to guys. Is that a thing that happens? Should I try to masturbate again when I’m drunk and see if it works? Should I get a vibrator? Should I watch porn? Would it help to watch porn? How often? Where do I find it? I can’t imagine finding porn or vibrators sexy. They mostly strike me viscerally as icky and scary. I almost wish I had some religious hangup I could cite about this.

What is wrong with me? I am not 12. I am 23. I should be having sex and masturbating when I’m not having sex, right? I understand that there is no normal, but these are my prime childbearing years or whatever, so there should at least be a chemical drive or fifteen at work here. I know I’m capable of primitive do-me feelings, but rarely, and in the abstract. When there’s a guy I really, really, really like, I ask myself, “Could you see having sex with him, Self?” And basically I have answered “Yes” for like Bradley Cooper, this guy on my debate team in college, and maybe a few others. And I’ve felt really proud. Like, a dude exists and he makes me feel something other than freaked out, and shamed re: my frigid abnormality about sex!!! These are, of course, never the dudes I am dating.

Normally, I’m social and even on the adventurous end of the bell curve among my friends. But when I think about sex, in real life, I want to lock all my doors and windows and get a deadbolt and never come out. I am OK about facing the beast, what concerns me is that I will have to enjoy it.

I’m really scared, A Lady. What if I start dating a guy, with whom I would miraculously be okay doing sexy stuff with, and we do, and I can’t orgasm because I apparently don’t like sex or orgasming? Can I conclusively prove that I don’t like these things? Isn’t that like “not liking” happiness? Are we sure guys 100% definitely will not be into me lying back and thinking of England? What about really drunk ones?

I wouldn’t even know how to go about faking it! Which I guess is another reason why I should watch porn. But if porn is my only reference, wouldn’t he know? Because porn is so different from real life? I guess my question is: Am I an abomination? IS IT PERMANENT?

Oh, girl. I can’t say if you’re asexual, or quasi-sexual, or Fred-sexual (you’ll be super into sex when you meet Fred, wherever he is…), because I’m not a sexologist, and I don’t know you that well. But you are definitely not an abomination! You may be on one end of the curve when it comes to human sexuality, but that is OK. I swear! Take some deep breaths.

Give masturbating the old college try, though. In my anecdotal experience, a fair number of women don’t start really masturbating until relatively later in life, so it’s not like it’s too late. I’m not sure what you’re worried about with your nails, but you won’t hurt yourself. Think about it — you will know right away if something is uncomfortable. Of course, it sounds like the whole thing is uncomfortable to you, but that’s not about your actual fingers. Give it another shot! Rub your clit, stick a finger up your snatch, play with your own boobs, whatever seems like a good idea. But probably focus on the clit. It might feel weird in the sense of unfamiliar, but that is fine, given that it is unfamiliar. Maybe you won’t ever like it, but I don’t think you can know that yet. And don’t get a vibrator — vibrators are advanced masturbation, and you should have a sense of what you like before you start spending money.

And I really don’t think you should watch porn. The sex in most porn is so far away from real-life sex, it will just scare you off. Shit, I like sex a lot, and a lot of porn-sex scares me off! Maybe cruise around the internet looking at naked bodies, just to see how/if you react (I like Sex Is Not The Enemy on Tumblr for a nice variety of people and situations, if you need a starting place). You won’t think everything is hot, but maybe you’ll think something is hot?

But I don’t think you need to force yourself to be interested in sex, if you aren’t. Now, if you’re looking for a partner, that could be trickier, since most people are looking for a partner to be both romantic and sexual, but two things: that isn’t everyone, and you can fake it if you really want to, to some degree. You can watch non-porn movies with sex in them to see how people move, but you can also just kind of follow his lead. If you’re genuinely not enjoying it (or not genuinely enjoying it), you won’t be a great lay, but an adequate lay is sometimes OK. Or just find a partner who isn’t all that interested in sex. They might be harder to find, but do exist.

But really, for you I think the main thing is getting comfortable with yourself, both physically and mentally. You don’t need to go around wanting to fuck everyone, or anyone. You don’t need to be orgasming all the time, either alone or with a partner. All of these things are OK! You sound so concerned over how you “should” be feeling and doing, when I think you should focus on what you want to feel and do.

A law-school friend and I went on a two-week roadtrip last summer, which was basically awesome and was our last big hurrah before entering the working world. Our last year of law school and especially that summer, we hung out semi-constantly, and I’d say she’s one of my best friends.

Except. After we both started our (very different) jobs last August, on different ends of the same city, she disappeared off the face of the planet.

She’s always been crazy busy, and she’s now in corporate law, which means, as the lowest lawyer on the totem pole, she’s probably working 100-hour weeks and trying not to die of stress. (I went into not-corporate law for exactly that reason, but she loves it.)

So if I email her, and hear nothing; text her, and hear nothing; send her the occasional “random hug” card in the mail, and hear nothing: Can this be chalked up 100% to her insane working life? Should I wait for her to emerge in two or three years and then take her out for dinner and a hug?

I miss my friend, but I can wait for her, if her life is just that insane. What I can’t do is be the idiot who doesn’t see that she’s actually just blowing me off. So: Am I?

Aw, I feel bad for both of you. First off: Her life really is just that insane. Especially if you are in New York: NYC big-firm lawyers work the craziest hours of anyone I’ve ever heard. I know someone who wanted to leave at five one day to be with a dying relative, and the partner said no. And it was Saturday. I shit you not. So if she doesn’t have time to hang out, that is why. She barely has time to sleep. They literally do work 100 hours a week, which leaves 68 hours a week for everything else in life, which really isn’t much.

HOWEVER. If she has literally not responded to a text in months, it might be the (at least temporary) end of your friendship, because even someone working 100-hour weeks could find a minute in the cab or elevator or something to send a text. If it’s that, I would let it drop for a while. Don’t reach out to her, focus on other stuff. Either you’re giving her the space she needs while she’s bonkers at work, or you’re accepting her blowing-off of you. Same action either way. Reach out in like six months and see what happens, and then re-evaluate.

Regardless, sorry about the loss of your friend.

I have a dating etiquette question. I’m a dude and have been seeing someone for a few months now. At first we were really into each other, as it often goes when you start seeing someone. Lots of chemistry, great sex, etc. But after a while when you get to know someone, the rose-colored glasses come off. I’m starting to realize that, for me, there’s no real long term potential with this girl. She’s just not someone I could be with for a long time. It takes time to figure these things out; par for the course right? We have fun, and I like her, and the sex is still good, but it’s just not gonna work out in the long-run. On the other hand, she seems really, really into me. So, what do you do when you’re dating someone who likes you more than you like them? Do I have an obligation to break up with her now? Do I just wait until she finally says she loves me (or something else to confirm she’s serious), then break it off? What do you think?

Dude. Are you kidding me with this? You could go one of two ways: You could figure that you’re enjoying yourself right now, and keep seeing her for now and see if your feelings change (for better or worse), or you could decide you don’t want to make her think you’re more serious about the relationship than you are, and tell her that sooner rather than later, and see what happens. The way you can absolutely NOT go is wait until you’re 100% sure she’s serious and then shut her down.

Maybe an analogy will help? Imagine you’re at a party, waiting in line for a beer. The line is long, but the beer is free. So you wait. And wait. When you get to the front of the line, you find out that they ran out of beer 10 minutes ago. Why didn’t they tell you??? They weren’t sure until you got to the front of the beer line that you actually wanted a beer — maybe you were standing that line to ask where the bathroom is? I’m pretty sure we can all agree that would be bullshit.

So anyway, I’m not saying you have to break up with her tomorrow — you have fun, you like her and the sex is good? Sounds like a fine situation for now. But don’t lead her on, and don’t wait her out.

I just found out that the guy I’m dating hates the Beach Boys. I can understand not liking “Catch a Wave” or “Fun, Fun, Fun,” BUT loving Pet Sounds, or vice versa, but to not like ANY Beach Boys? Doesn’t this kinda seem like something they might say about a serial killer when looking back on his pathology? Help!! Is it a dealbreaker?

Yeah, sorry. That’s a dealbreaker.

Just kidding! Is he a hipster? Or some other type of new/obscure music snob? That could be a deal-breaker, depending on if you love Rihanna like I do, but maybe it’s just a charming quirk/serious lapse in judgement.

But seriously, not even “God Only Knows”?

Previously: Fantasies, Photography, and “My Best Friend’s Boyfriend.”

A Lady is one of several rotating ladies who know everything. Do you have any questions for A Lady?

Photo via Flickr