A No Longer Even Remotely Topical Observation About the Remake of The Day the Earth Stood Still

It was atrociously bad, obviously, but now that Hollywood is probably trying to remake Casablanca so they can find a new role for Will Smith’s children (Peter Lorre becomes two plucky youngsters with anxiety disorders? Rick becomes two plucky youngsters who want to save Ilsa, now a basketball-playing Golden Retriever, from German-occupied Morocco? Willow is the woman who really belts out “La Marseillaise,” Jaden is a younger Louis Renault with a heart-warming gambling addiction?), it is very, very important to remember that the only good part of The Day the Earth Stood Still was the totally-believable suggestion that Keanu Reeves spared our planet because he was amazed at the kindness and fortitude Jennifer Connolly displayed by not hurling her annoying stepkid, Jaden Smith, into the Hudson River.

That was it! That was why he didn’t let them destroy the earth! Because Jaden Smith’s awfulness, and Jennifer Connolly’s ability to tolerate said awfulness was more impressive than the combined existential weight of the Holocaust, the Rwandan genocide, corporate greed, school shootings, terrorism, and reduced-fat cream cheese.

And…it sort of worked. So, you know, just something to think about going forward, Hollywood.

(Possible disclaimer that Jaden Smith could just have been really, really good in that movie, and hence believable as a horribly-aggravating child, but, you know, The Karate Kid.)