Safe Sexting: Some Tips for Doing It Right

by Julieanne Smolinski

In light of recent events, here are some ways to ensure your sexy photographs can’t be traced back to you:

– Use the “sepia” setting on your digital camera. If someone leaks the photos, you can say, “What? Don’t be crazy. These photos were clearly taken in the past.”

– Find a good foundation. It’s a great way to cover up any distinguishing genital marks, tattoos, or vitiligo — and searching for the proper shade will give you a great excuse to take off your underwear in Sephora.

– Don’t think of covering your face as a subterfuge! Think of it as an opportunity to show off your personality with an African mask, a backwards Davy Crockett hat, or the album cover of Bob Dylan Live 1966. (You know, so it looks like Bob’s head is atop your naked body.)

– Try adding a misleading watermark, like “X17” or “OfficialWynonnaJudd.com.” If someone leaks the photos, you can say, “That’s not me, that’s clearly Wynonna Judd.”

– Sexy pictures don’t have to be so literal! Why not send an erotic representation of your nudity, like two pepperonis or a particularly vaginal flower?

– In 18th-century Japan, odoriko, or “Geisha,” culture fetishized the subtle sliver of female arm flesh visible at the end of the furi, or kimono sleeve. Try taking a couple deliciously lascivious shots of the inside of your wrist for your partner. If someone leaks the photos, you can reply indigantly, “For crying out loud, it’s a wrist. You think a wrist is sexy? What are we, in 18th-century Japan?”

– Instead of a photo, send a scanned PDF of an erotic drawing of yourself. It’s OK if you’re not a great artist! Try tracing paper or reminding yourself that sexting is not about being Margaret Bourke-White! It’s about doing something erotic for your partner. As an added security precaution, don’t be famous, work for the government, be an ordained religious leader, or ask a Kinko’s employee to scan the your drawing.

Julieanne Smolinski is a frequent Internet contributor who loves logging online to use Twitter, Facebook, or get directions to exciting new restaurants.

Image via Flickr