Previous Commitments, Demonic Faces, and Men With Little to Offer

by A Dude

What do you do if you only have a limited amount of time to see a person that you like? I have a massive crush on my MCAT teacher but I only get to see him for two more class sessions and then after that, maybe never again. Really I don’t know him well enough to be like, “hey … we should hang out after this class is over,” so pretty much the only option I have here is to show that I’m interested right now and hope for the best. Obviously I don’t know much about the guy other than that he is super cute and has a good personality — and, well, who really knows why you like somebody else? But the biggest problem with all this is that he has a girlfriend — he mentioned her in class one time, but it wasn’t like a prolonged discussion, so I don’t know anything about their situation. My biggest question is: It is even fair for me to step in on a guy that I admittedly know very little about and who’s already in a committed (I’m assuming) relationship? I do really like him, though, and I’m not a person that falls for someone very often, and just because someone’s in a relationship doesn’t mean they’re off limits, right?

I was contemplating doing something innocuous, like writing him an email or a text on the last day basically telling him how I feel that he can choose to respond to if he wants (considering he’s probably never going to see me again), but I’m not sure if that comes across as too wimpy or too forward, or too middle school. And if I were to do such a thing, what would I say? Alternatively, is this whole thing just a lost cause and should I just leave it alone and find somebody else who’s not already taken? I’m sure I’ll get over this guy eventually whether this goes unresolved or not. Any advice would be appreciated, thank you so much.

For the love of all that is holy about social interactions don’t email, text, Gchat, send a letter, send a carrier pigeon, or cleverly drop a lipstick smeared napkin with your phone number in his briefcase. This guy already has a girlfriend!

Guys NEVER casually mention they’re in a relationship if they’re NOT in a committed relationship, and although I’m not a teacher, I’m certain they wouldn’t do so to their students unless they were serious about this person. So he’s in a committed relationship already. Don’t put him in an awkward position by making overtures about hanging out — especially when he’s your teacher.

If you want to hang out with him platonically, then after the last class, go up to him and invite him out for a drink, but you have to be really careful. If he says no, then no harm done. You can just ace your MCAT exam, go to a nice medical school where you’ll meet a sexy rower who’ll whisper Keats couplets to you at twilight along the river. I’m not a rower, but I’ve heard they have really strong shoulders, and what lady doesn’t want a burly man who can also memorize some romantic poetry! It’s a win win, especially because that rower doesn’t have a girlfriend already.

Since you were a bit ambivalent about why you like this teacher, try to remember if you were into him before or after he dropped the seemingly innocuous line about his girlfriend. It wasn’t by mistake. Guys either mention their girlfriend or they don’t. If they do mention her, it’s because it’s serious, and they want people to know: “I have a girlfriend, I am not available to date.” Or they’re assholes who want to take advantage of women seeking to win a man’s affections over some other woman because they feel bad about themselves — the ol’ “I want what I can’t have” scenario. In either instance, you don’t want to be involved. BUT … in the interest of trying to help, I’ll try to offer some best-case scenarios and warn you about the ramifications.

By waiting until the last class, you’ll avoid the embarrassment of him declining your invitation, and then having to see him later. If he says yes, you still need to be careful. You’re obviously into him sexually, but if he ends up sleeping with you and still has a girlfriend, then you’ve just become “that girl” who sleeps with guys that are attached. If he’ll do it to his present girlfriend, he’ll most likely do it to you. I don’t want to say “once a cheater, always a cheater,” but it’s usually the case. Plus, how could you ever trust him while knowing he slept with you while dating this other woman?

The only real chance you have with this teacher (and I’m not even going to get into the psychology of teacher/student sexual encounters, but it’s certainly complicated — just watch Disclosure), is if you begin to develop a real friendship with him outside of class. And if you two do connect, then hopefully he has the balls to break up with his current girlfriend so he can date you. If not, then you’ve just fallen for a weak man.

Most likely, he’ll decline your invitation because it sounds like he’s into his girlfriend, in which case you should let it go. The people who break up marriages and relationships are generally looking for self-esteem they’re lacking, and you’re not that desperate for validation.

If you’re in doubt, finish out the remainder of your classes with him, and think back lovingly to your cute MCAT teacher as you sit by the river with your hunky rower boyfriend who recites poetry to you and IS NOT dating anyone else. There are a lot of unattached guys out there. Go for them.

I have a strange situation on my hands. Or maybe it’s in my mouth. The case is this: my boyfriend and I have been in a long distance relationship the entire time we’ve been dating. When we’re together, the sex is Fantastic, but there’s one issue. He can’t get off when I go down on him. He says that it’s never happened to him with any girls who’ve gone down on him, so it’s not my fault. Still, I feel weird about it, because I know I’m good at giving head — no guy I’ve ever been with has had a problem with my performance. But now I’m feeling strangely inadequate, like my skills in that department are underdeveloped or something. There have been a couple occasions where I’ve asked him about it, you know, because my jaw is getting tired and I’m wondering if it’s worth it to continue on. Asking him about it has only made it worse, and he says he feels more pressure than ever, so now we’re probably farther away from him getting off than we started. So that’s awesome. I’ve tried everything I know, and now I’m just frustrated, annoyed, and my enjoyment in this particular activity has decreased pretty dramatically since we started dating. Do you have any suggestions?

This is an important question, and I’m glad I’m able to answer it because guys like this exist! In fact, I’m one of these dudes. Maybe it’s not to the extent of your boyfriend, but I’m not a big a fan of blowjobs (or blow jobs if you’re writing for the New Yorker). It’s not that they don’t feel great — THEY DO — but certain guys, myself included, enjoy the physical reciprocation of sex. Blowjobs are a one-sided act, and while they’re great for the large majority of dudes, they’re not for every one of us — contrary to popular belief.

Here’s the thing: You’re actually lucky. Not now, because it’s making you question yourself, but it sounds like he’s fantastic in the sex department, and that’s pretty good. There are plenty of guys who’d just as soon get a blow job than have some really good sex that gets you both off. Appreciate that for a second before we get to your problem.

Now on to the problem … I hope you’re not voicing your concerns while you’re in the physical act of going down on him, which is what it sounds like. If he was having trouble getting off before, this will certainly get into his head (forgive me), and, as you said, it will get worse, which it sounds like it has already.

Fortunately, I can definitely get off when a woman is going down on me, but I don’t really like to. More often then not oral sex is a precursor to sex. One lady in my youth picked up on my lack of enthusiasm, and actually got upset with me. Like you, she prided herself on her ability to give head, and the fact I wasn’t showing the proper enthusiasm (openly asking that if we could get to the good stuff) — only got to her. It’s an ego thing and I get it. It’s why a lot of guys have a hard time if they can’t get a woman off, which often calls for a more nuanced approach then simply putting your mouth on something. Maybe that’s the case here.

Some men see blowjobs as inherently selfish, and maybe it’s this way with your boyfriend — ASK HIM! I relayed this to my lady friend and we talked about it. TALKING IS ALWAYS GOOD!

She said sometimes she just wants to get me off, and that she doesn’t want ME to do ANYTHING. In essence, the blowjob was as much for her as it was for me. She actually took pleasure in giving me pleasure. Much like I do when I go down on a woman. We talked about it, and since we were so open, I was able to just sit back, enjoy it, and finish. Although we didn’t stay together, it wasn’t because of blowjobs, and really, there are tougher things to work on in relationships.

Explain to him that you don’t feel obliged or pressured, you just like to do it. It’s fun for you. His pleasure gives you pleasure. Since the sex is so good, he’s probably seen you come a few times, and I’m sure that made him feel very happy with himself. Explain that, and if he’s not totally messed up about blowjobs (like there’s something from his past preventing him from EVER enjoying them) then he should be able to relax enough to get off. There are also other things you can do: the 69 position comes to mind, which I enjoy very much. Or you could touch yourself while you go down on him. Sex is subjective and what works for a lot of guys (blowjobs), might not work for all of them. TALK ABOUT IT.

If, in the end, he can’t get over his hang-ups about oral sex when it’s being performed on him, hopefully you’ll realize in the grand scheme of things it’s really not that important. If it is, and you can’t get past it, then maybe you shouldn’t be together, but I should emphasize that it’s not about you, it’s about him. Seriously. A lot of women just DO NOT LIKE IT, and a lot of guys know this and have learned it’s just never going to happen. A really good blowjob isn’t so much about technique (except NEVER BITE!), it’s about how much you’re digging it. That’s really hot for all guys.

Maybe you’ll be the lady that gets to make blowjobs fun for him.

I was going to start this off by saying, “So this is kind of a stupid question, but…” but there are no stupid questions, right? OK. So I have this friend who has a lot of anxiety about the faces she makes during sex/the guy looking at her during sex. So much anxiety that she hates being on top, not because she doesn’t enjoy it (in fact she kind of loves it, so she says), but because she hates sitting there, riding some dude, feeling great, but then looking down at him and seeing him staring directly at her, his eyes piercing her soul. AH! What kind of face should she be making? She is sure she’s making the most awkward, dumb-looking face ever. She probably looks constipated. So basically she pretends she’s tired or has orgasmed amazingly fast or something until he will switch with her and get on top or behind or something.

(I would like to say that this is not a question of “Oh, my fat is hanging over, my boobs are floppy, blah blah” because said friend actually has a pretty hot bod, if I do say so myself.)

So I guess my question, on behalf of my friend, is: Do guys really pay attention to the face the girl is making during sexy times? Do they make fun of how dumb she looked later with their friends? Is it now a running joke among said friends and they make the face to each other at inappropriate, totally random times and just laugh, and laugh, and laugh…? My friend is probably over-analyzing this, but it is seriously a problem! Thanks.

Dear “friend” of girl worried about her face during sex,

There are no stupid questions for a dude. It seems to be an issue of letting go, and in my experience the facial contortions, etc., simply don’t matter. When you’re in the heat of the moment, and you’re both desperately clinging to the plateau before you drop into the chasm of pure sexual climax, you MAKE WEIRD FACES! We all do. There’s a reason the phrase “O-Face” exists.

And again, I can only speak from experience, but no one has ever told me about a girl’s face during orgasm, mainly because they’re probably about to come too. Also because as men get older they feel less of a need to prop up their ego by bragging about sexual encounters.

Guys pay attention to a lot of things during sex: various female body parts, themselves in the mirror, the door in the corner to make sure no one barges in, and a host of other things. Sometimes we’re just thinking about basketball so we don’t arrive at the ultimate destination too fast.

But if she’s having sex with someone, and worried about what they’ll think of her face, she’s never really going to have much fun, now, is she? If the guy is really into her, and not just going for a one-night stand, then no matter how demonic her countenance becomes in that most holy of moments, he’ll find it exquisitely beautiful. Anything else and the guy is a shallow asshole. No matter how weird the “O-face” may get, it’s an extension of such pleasure that any man would be a fool to make someone feel bad about it. Plus, I’ve seen some crazy faces, and all of them are as hot as they are strange.

Seriously, the older I get, the more questions I have. So my question is, what do you think of a man who says, “I don’t have anything/much to offer you right now.” I think it is douchebaggy, but it seems to have a deeper resonance around where a man needs to be in order to make even a commitment to date. What exactly do guys need to feel like an “OK man.” Please advise.

I have a friend who once told me, “Why would I ever date a woman if I wasn’t going to marry her?” He thinks it’s stupid and a waste of his time to be monogamous with someone if he doesn’t see a long-term future. I’ve never felt this way, and I used to chide him about it, telling him he’d be a terrible husband because he wouldn’t have any experience.

And to feel like an “OK man,” I’m assuming you mean actually “HAVING something to offer.” It’s primarily about context. I don’t think a response of “I don’t have anything/much to offer you right now,” is inherently douchebaggy if the guy in question has just gone through a really bad breakup, and doesn’t want to put himself out there again. The hurt is too new, and he feels vulnerable still.

My friend who told me he’d never date a woman he wasn’t going to marry never did. I’ve known him for almost 20 years, and he never dated anyone except for one-night stands and short flings for a few weeks. I’ve dated a bunch of women, and have been totally prepared to “offer something,” but I’m not married either. My friend just didn’t see the point in beating around the bush, and he either ignored their calls or said something similar to “I just don’t have anything to offer you.”

Eventually he met someone, they’re dating now, and he plans to marry her. I guess when he met that woman he had “something to offer” her, after not having anything to offer any woman except sex and a date for almost two decades. Some guys are just like that. He might be a douchebag, but he was honest, too.

“I don’t have much to offer” isn’t the easiest answer to accept, but the only thing you can do is take the statement at face value and move on. Eventually, or not, you’ll find a guy who’s ready to commit. Until then enjoy your life, cheesy as it sounds. A lot of people who rush into commitments and offer themselves over too soon are miserable and crave the freedom you have.

That’s just one dude’s take, though.

Previously: Exhausting Women, Sexual Latecomers, and “Peck Peck Peck, Dart Out.”

A Dude is one of several rotating dudes who know everything. Do you have any questions for A Dude?

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