Man-Haters, Infatuations, and the Lesbian Litmus Test
by A Queer Chick
I’m a bi girl who has fallen into a state of infatuation with this girl who has a few gay friends but by all means exudes the strong odor of a straight girl. She even has a douchebag boyfriend (ugh and he is a douche) but I find myself really caring about her beyond just admiring her physical attributes, like wondering what struggles she may be going through, what she likes, wondering “what is she doing now” (and imagining her with her douchebag boyfriend), etc., and generally having this desire to make her happy and to see her happy.
The only problem is I don’t really know her and she isn’t the most open-book kind of girl; she definitely has the mystery aura going for her. I’m finding it hard to get into her circle — not that she’s mean. No, she’s nice and she’s come up to my friends and me before class and talked with us, but until we hang out together outside of school I can’t say that I have a chance of getting to know her. Advice I’ve gotten from my friends is to be her friend first, and then kissing her comes later (in a mutual context), right? But again, she has a boyfriend and may not be into girls, but that’s not what is making me hesitant.
I look femme enough, and I’ve got myself an INFP personality, but I am dealing with a girl who is so gorgeous I feel like my insides are turning to slush every time I see her. She’s very confident and doesn’t really ever use the internet (not that I would stalk her online HAH…haaa…ha?) and is constantly getting compliments from everyone around her, so it’s not like she’s starving for attention. I think I have to find something to offer her. But the thing is, should I lay off on my determined attempts to befriend her for fear that my emotions get in the way and drive her away, she who has this douchebag boyfriend? Or should I take things slow, work hard at being her friend, and then open up to her about my feelings? I want to treat her well, and I want to make her happy. Did I mention she’s amazing and I can tell she has something special about her that I’d love? (Yes, that is relevant information.)
Your advice is my advantage. Hopefully there will be good follow up reports after this.
I can tell that you’re really invested in this question, darlin’, because you’ve fleshed it out with a lot of extraneous details about your personality, her Internet browsing habits, etc. But when you get right down to it, what you want to know is, “How can I get with this girl who has a boyfriend?”
And I’m not actually sure I can help you with that. You seem to expect that I’m automatically rooting for you because 1) you’re a lady and she’s a lady and I’m generally a fan of ladies doin’ it, and 2) her boyfriend is a douche. Based on the testimony of, you know, you. The person who wants to fuck his girlfriend. I feel like your judgment in this case is possibly a little questionable. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying he isn’t a douche. Maybe he kicks puppies, or listens to Nickelback. But maybe he just has stupid facial hair. You didn’t give me enough information to make the call. So while you might assume that it’s insanely obvious how much better for her you would be, I’m not necessarily convinced that’s the case.
The thing is, despite your verbosity (and I am a wordy motherfucker myself, so I’m not hating) you don’t actually say very much about this girl, except that… you don’t know her very well. You know that she has “something special” and that you would love her IF you got to know her better, but so far all you actually know is that she’s hot, and you want to tap that. Based on these two pieces of knowledge, you’ve kind of gone off on a fantasy tangent that may or may not have any resemblance to who she is in real life.
Now, fantasizing about someone you don’t really know but think is hot — that’s a totally respectable pastime that we all engage in. Trying to build a friendship on the basis of said hotness is also valid, and let’s be real, that’s how most relationships get started. But if you’re trying to insinuate yourself into her life for no other reason than your dreams of home-wrecking smoochies, well, I might advise against it. You don’t know this girl’s life, and you don’t know her relationship. Maybe her boyfriend is somewhat lacking in social skills but is actually a great person and she loves him. Or maybe he really is a douche and she’s happy with him because deep down inside, she’s a douche too.
The thing is, there’s nothing I can tell you that’s going to help you land this girl. She has a boyfriend, she’s never given you any reason to believe she’s into you or that she’s into girls at all. If you spend some time getting to know her, and allowing her to get to know you, there’s a teeny tiny possibility that she’ll discover her hidden Sapphic proclivities and fall helplessly into your waiting pants. Frankly, though, there’s a much better chance your cause is hopeless. I know that’s hard to hear — it seems from your letter that you’re quite young, so this might be your first real, all-consuming infatuation, and that can be brutal. There’s no boner like the first boner. But trying to break up an existing relationship is almost never worth the heartache, and I promise you, someone else will come along eventually. The best thing you can do at this point is to focus on moving on with your life, and waiting for the next Amazing Perfect Dream Girl (douchebag boyfriend not included).
Is it pretty typical to not be sure about what you like for a long time? You’re going to laugh, because YOUNG, but I’m a just-turned 20 year old lady and I’m pretty sure I’m at least bisexual, if not on the more mingecentric end of the spectrum. I’m frustrated because I’m still not sure where I stand and I feel like I should. This confusion has made me question who I am and made me feel like I’m deceiving others and myself because I’m somehow biased in wanting to be one way or another.
I’ve technically dated guys before. I do sometimes enjoy whatever power I may have over them. I was really cut up when my first boyfriend broke up with me. I can get along and connect with guys really, really well — like 80% of my closest friends are guys. My first crush, at age eight, was technically a guy (Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone, fun fact). All these things would point towards me being bisexual.
On the other hand, when I have had sex with guys it all feels kind of soulless. Well, that sounds harsh, but you know, it’s as if I’m going through the motions. I guess I physically respond to it, but it doesn’t get me electrified or what have you. Honestly, I think penises are bizarre and kind of ridiculous. Yet my experience with girls is not plentiful. I wouldn’t really know what to do. I have kissed girls before but they were pretty much all straight (#college). I’ve eaten out before, once, but that was during an orgy (#college) so I’m not exactly expecting deep emotional connection there.
I don’t understand my reluctance because it wouldn’t be a difficult thing for me to accept if I were a lesbian. I’m pretty sure I’m perfectly OK with it, aside from some minor adjustments i.e. hoping my straight girl friends won’t misinterpret my awkward tendency to hug everyone a lot (and aside from the fact that my family would be, shall we say, displeased). So what I’m saying is, it’s not a problem for me inwardly but it might be for others around me, so I’m a little scared of hypothetically coming out if I do end up being gay. (The guy I’m quasi-seeing might have his qualms with it too, actually.)
Anyway, O Queer Chick, while I’m not asking you to be like YES YOU ARE DEFINITELY X, THUS SAYETH I, and I know there’s not a ‘right’ age to know or anything, I’m wondering if you have some litmus test, or some direct questions to ask myself that might make this easier, because I tend to second guess myself and adjust to what others want from me. Does my miniature rant sound like a typical lesbian experience to you? When I see kids my age being so confident and certain of who they are, it makes me a little envious — their certainty has highlighted my lack thereof and I’m totally lost.
Do you want to fuck women? If you want to fuck women, you just might be a lesbian.
Jesus, this is really my week for giving unhelpful advice, isn’t it? There are some clues in your letter, such as a preponderance of male friends (something that’s true of a lot of lady-oriented ladies, especially when they’re young and haven’t found a lesbian community). There are some questions you can ask yourself, like: How are things going with the guy you’re quasi-seeing? Are you into him, but occasionally checking out chicks on the street, or do you have to close your eyes and think of Beyoncé every time he takes his pants off? There are some things missing, like any description of how you felt when you kissed / went down on / had orgies with girls (orgies? Your college is different than the one I went to). But, sorry, there’s just no way for me to determine your sexual orientation based on what you’ve told me here. Or based on anything else, really. I am not the gatekeeper of dykedom, I’m not handing out “Hello My Name Is Lesbian” stickers to everyone who can pass an entrance exam. If your heart/vagina (guys I’m telling you it’s gonna be a thing) hasn’t offered you a definitive answer in the past 20 years, there’s not a lot I can tell you that will clear it up.
What I can say is: How come there has to be a definitive answer? You don’t have to be 100% homo or 100% hetero, and you certainly don’t have to decide today that you’re one or the other. Lots of people find that their sexual orientation is much more fluid and complicated than those two extremes, and it sounds like you’re one of the many who boinks in the gray area. This might or might not have anything to do with your age; maybe you’ll decide down the road that you’re the dykiest dyke who ever dyked, maybe you’ll find a term like “bi-dyke” or “queer” that resonates better with how you actually see yourself, and maybe you’ll never really be comfortable with labels of that kind. Some people just aren’t, and that’s fine. That still leaves you with a lot to navigate — your relationship with your current dude, the reactions of your family and friends if you start dating a girl — but maybe you’ll find all that a little less daunting once you stop worrying about which box you belong in.
I love my best friend, really. But remember that one guy from Mean Girls who’s described as ‘Too Gay to Function’? That’s her. She can’t put her sexuality aside. We can hardly mention a male, in any context (we could be talking about the current Prime Minister of England for goodness sake), before she gets bored simply because it’s a male we’re discussing. Our guy friends are constantly out of favor because they’re men, the same (very much bad taste, but very much still kidding) misogynist jokes she or I might make are repulsive when they make them.
Now, I totally get it, I like girls as much as she does. Only, the man hate — or even the man-apathy — gets upsetting. I’ve attempted to bring it up a few times and she totally brushes me off. Is there a way to approach this?
How long has your friend been out? If it’s recent, I can sort of understand her behavior. A girl who’s spent a lot of her life pretending to be interested in men might have built up a lot of resentment toward them, though her rational mind knows that all men everywhere are not to blame for the shit she’s gone through. In that case, she may very well feel enormous relief once she fesses up to being a total vagitarian, and act out that relief by professing total contempt for dudes and their dudely ways. Being so happy that she doesn’t have to feign a desire she doesn’t actually feel, she might go way too far in the other direction. If your friend came out within the last year or so, you might want to just put up with this for a little while until she settles down. Plenty of people celebrate their emergence from the closet by becoming totally unbearable assholes of one kind or another, but most of them get over it pretty soon.
If, however, she’s been out for years and her anti-dude crusade has been going on the whole time, it’s possible that she’s just obnoxious. It sounds like she’s one of those insecure people who’s tormented by the thought that someone, somewhere, might not know she’s gay. These people exist on the hetero side as well — for some reason there are a lot of people who feel that the most important thing you should know about them, preferably within ten seconds of meeting, is what flavor of genitals they prefer to lick.
The best approach might be to try to make a joke of it while still letting her know that you’d like her to cut it out. The next time she rolls her eyes when you’re discussing David Cameron, just laugh and say, “Sweetie, you’re gay, we get it. But I was actually talking about his social policies, not whether you want to fuck him.” Don’t make a big thing about it, don’t start an argument, just go back to what you were talking about before. Do this every time the topic comes up, and hopefully she’ll get the picture. If that doesn’t work, you might have to resort to having a more serious talk with her. Let her know that you’re really not comfortable with the way she talks about guys, especially the guys you’re friends with. If she values your friendship, she should be willing to chill out with the man-apathy, at least when you’re around.
Even though I’m bisexual, when I meet new friends or co-workers they automatically assume I’m a straight girl. I’m not the kind of person to wave my sexuality in their faces, if it comes up it comes up, and I’m honest about it. But it seems like if I get to know them and then say that I have a girlfriend they feel betrayed that I didn’t tell them sooner. It’s like they have this instant image of me that I’ve gone against, even if I tell them relatively soon. Sometimes it makes me nervous to even say anything. I actually envy girls who appear to be gay and everyone knows right away. Is there an easier way to do this without changing who I am/how I dress? I hate having to “come out” again to every new friend I make.
Have you tried mentioning how much you hate men? I kid, I kid. It would be totally rad if we lived in a world where no one ever made assumptions about anyone, ever, but the fact is that most people assume that most people they meet are straight. This is because, except in college and at poetry slams, most people are straight. Thus, the onus is on the homos to… clarify the situation. (I almost said “straighten things out.”)
You will probably always have to tell people that you’re dating a girl, unless you want to wear rainbow dolphin jewelry every day for the rest of your life. And honestly, even if you do that, plenty of people will never, ever take the hint. My partner — the one with the motorcycle and the softball team and the Indigo Girls tattoos (yes, plural, I am marrying a person who has MORE THAN ONE INDIGO GIRLS TATTOO) — frequently gets mistaken for straight. If you want to be visible in the world as queer, you need to get used to telling people about it. Of course, you get to decide who needs to know and when. But the sooner you mention it, the less time people will have to form an opinion of you as “that nice straight girl who totally does sex with dudes on a regular basis,” and the less confused they’ll be upon encountering the truth. You don’t have to wave your sexuality in anyone’s face (I’m pretty sure that’s illegal anyway), but try to work your girlfriend into the conversation in easy, natural-sounding ways, like:
“Hi, I’m Elizabeth. What’s your name?”
“Michael.”
“Oh, what a coincidence! My girlfriend’s name is Michael. Except that it’s actually Kathy.”
“I love your earrings!”
“Thank you! My girlfriend gave me a pair of earrings, but these aren’t them.”
“What did you do this weekend?”
“Oh, I went to a movie with my girlfriend, and then we went home and had lesbian sex. With our vaginas.”
See, how easy that was?
Previously: Top Secret Lesbian Techniques.
A Queer Chick is a queer chick who knows everything. Do you have a question for A Queer Chick?