Makeup, Email Nightmares, and “How Do I Talk to People?”

by A Lady

So I went out with this girl for a while but it was rather difficult to find any real common ground and find anything to substantially talk about. We were mutually attracted to each other, but whenever we got past the small talk there would be long pauses of awkward silence. Even with other girls I’ve been attracted to I can’t really seem to find much to talk about — it’s not that the girl and I don’t have anything in common, but it’s usually small stuff. I’m not an uninteresting guy, but I find it stupidly difficult to keep a conversation going for more than a few minutes (and it’s now starting to affect my decision to ask anyone out). Any advice or help would be extremely appreciated!

I guess you have considered and decided not to drink just a little bit more? Which is really my main advice. You think I’m being insincere (“lol have moar drinx shy person”)? Not at all. Listen, everyone in the world has your problem, and alcohol was created to fix it. Ugh, think about Mesopotamians on dates. There was nothing to talk about because there were actually no things! It was just, “hey. . . sooooooo. . . do you think they’ll bury us in jars beneath our houses when we die?”

“Um, probably? Because that’s the only thing anyone does?”

It was so fucking painful they invented farming just so they could then invent beer to fix it. Then everyone’s dates suddenly got really fascinating and goofy and they spent all their time just talking about their REAL FEELINGS, you know, the REAL ones. And that’s how civilization was created, and think about what an unequivocal success that’s been. So, more drinks!

But yes, OK, alcohol is so good at what it does that for some people it is a little too good, and maybe you can’t have it because of that or some other reason that I would not understand. In which case I have different advice for you, depending on if you’re a lady or a dude:

IF LADY: This is my patented tactic, and I genuinely have no idea why it works but it always does. Get something not too big that you can throw at your discussant, like a balled up cocktail napkin or a penny, and just hurl it at them. Somehow, human brains took a wrong turn evolving somewhere, and they process this as charming and you’ll have a stupid convo about things you could throw “oh haha, no, that would have too much air resistance etc.” and then the finger-banging. Or marriage. But never both.

IF DUDE: Under no circumstances should you attempt the above. You will straight get murdered. I have no idea what you’re supposed to do. People do love to tell stories about when they were kids? I guess? Fuck. This is hard. Yeah, go with the childhood/teenager stories, I think. Then there’s the added bonus of actually getting to know something about your date if you care. And if you don’t still probably finger-banging? I dunno let’s just all stop talking and then this won’t even be a problem? OK? Everyone? Never talk again? Are we down! Project no-talk is go!

Oh, I know, I just thought of something you can always talk about: Go see the Werner Herzog 3-D cave painting movie and talk about the ending. Am I the only Hairpinner who has seen this? Albino crocodiles are their own dopplegangers whaaat? You guys?

I am a lady who likes to wear makeup. I wear makeup for many of the normal reasons ladies do this: to look presentable/professional/hot depending on the occasion, to enhance the hotness of my natural features, to look stylish and fresh, to cover up acne. Based on the crazy Bratz-doll world we live in, I think I have a relatively healthy body image and would consider myself less into girly stuff than the general population. I wear minimalist makeup (takes about five minutes), but I do apply my “face” before work in the morning and get slightly more dramatic for evening. This is my most “high-maintenance” thing — I don’t do anything to my hair, I don’t tan, I am pretty relaxed about body hair — I love camping and have spent plenty of time makeup-free and consider myself a low-maintenance girl. I don’t feel I need to be wearing makeup to be beautiful, or to be “me,” but I certainly feel more on top of my game when I wear my “pretty mask,” OK? Makeup has its socio-cultural hang-ups, but there it is: I am a lady who likes to wear makeup most of the time.

I notice that my boyfriend (of seven months, so he knows how I roll at this point) gets annoyed about my makeup. He doesn’t understand why I wear it, and always says I look beautiful without it. He wishes he could kiss me and rub his beard all up in my face whenever he wants — right before we leave for work, in the car on the way to a restaurant, etc. — but sometimes when we are or are about to be in public (and I look nice, I don’t want to reapply), I’ll ask him to lay off and he gets pissy. He has made a comment more than once that make it seem like he thinks I am high-maintenance, but I’m sorry if I disagree! He will get disappointed when I put on lipstick for this reason. I thought lipstick made me look sexy! If I know we’re in private, or going to bed soon anyway, I don’t mind — I’m not trying to hide my “real” face from him, and I love that he thinks I’m naturally beautiful. But I’m hoping there’s a balance between being completely natural and wearing makeup that can please us both…

What’s the deal here — do I need to allow myself to look a tad disheveled/forgo makeup sometimes for the sake of his spontaneous affections, or does he need to respect my desire to wear makeup and keep his beard to himself?

First of all the term minimalist makeup is hilarious! I’m thinking, like, a bunch of colorful stripes down your face like a Frank Stella painting. If that’s what you’re actually doing, don’t ever stop for anyone no matter what. But also don’t stop anyway? I’m sure he’s swell and you guys have super fun all the time, but yo, your boyfriend is sounding like a dick. There are all sorts of reasons a person might not want to kiss another person in a given moment, and all those reasons are cool. Here’s what I really think: I think you should just wear more and more makeup, and never wash it off, and just layer it strategically until your face looks exactly like his face. Now who’s high-maintenance?

Also if I had to give advice that sounded like the advice a human might give, I’d say whatever, indulge him when you’re on your Special Dates but not otherwise. But also don’t go on Special Dates with him, because I hate him and I hate his stupid beard.

I know this is going to sound WAY silly. But, how much is sex supposed to hurt the first time? My ex and I tried (and, believe me, wereally tried) to have sex at least six or seven times before we gave up. The pain was unbearable. All my girlfriends say it is because I wasn’t lubricated enough, but he’d go down on me and finger me, so that cannot be possible at all. I just felt like…something tore (?!) when he tried to enter me and then there would be this horrible pain and terrible, painful burning when I washed or peed (sorry! I know I’m getting graphic) that would last for about a day and then it would be back to normal. I’m starting to believe that it’s going to be impossible to have sex, ever (DIE!). I’ve met someone new now, and I’m really scared to even get in the sex space, because I’m afraid of all the pain. Just the thought of it is starting to scare me. Also, I’ve fingered myself and I’ve not really had this “tearing/burning” issue. Is any of this normal? Or, am I just being paranoid?

Uhhh I am not a doctor OR MAYBE I AM, but you know a lot of times “something” does in fact tear the first time or times you have sex, and it can continue tearing over several encounters, and no, fingering usually won’t tear it. Also a big enough D can legitimately cut up even the most worn out, ancient whale vagina. I always re-bleed if it’s been more than a few months. Ha, re-bleed, I just invented that. OK so. Bleeding and pain happen and can happen for different reasons, so maybe try artificial lube because hey, maybe your friends are right, and that shit’s great anyway! Put it on your toast! Smooths fly-aways! And maybe you are making less, uh, organic lube (haha, I’m going to market that to Whole Foods) than you need, either just because you aren’t, or because you’re under-aroused, or because I dunno. But the going-down-on-you before has nothing to do with anything. Spit helps, but it’s not the same — it dries up too quickly or something. Also period sex is guaranteed free lube, and you’re bleeding ANYWAY so you won’t even ruin extra underwear. Oh my god who am I. Holy shit, you’re like 15 aren’t you? Is it even legal for me to be advising you on this? Never have sex, no matter what. No humans ever did it, and it’s disgusting. Also seriously just see a real doctor just because why not? And they can be like: definitively normal vagina/weird vagina? But it sounds like possibly normal vagina to me.

This has been a pretty rough year for me: my fiance dumped me out of the blue weeks after we finished applying to medical schools together (seriously, no fights/foreshadowing), my mom’s health is quickly deteriorating, and a bunch of other smaller things. While housesitting for a girl I consider to be one of my closest friends (friend A), I used her computer (as she was expecting me to do) to check my email. When I opened Gmail it automatically opened her inbox because she left it logged in. I was in the process of moving the cursor to log out when I saw my name in the subject of an email conversation. Without pausing to think about it (the wrongness of it, the consequences of my actions, etc.) I opened it.

I will say here that I know how very very wrong this was! I’d like to think that most people would do the same thing if they were in my situation, due to the same morbid curiosity (not that it makes it less wrong), but maybe I am just trying to make myself feel better. The email thread was an exchange between her and another friend (friend B) saying some pretty mean stuff about me. In a display of utter masochism and poor judgment I searched for all emails between them that included my name in the text. There were many, going back years.

Beyond the somewhat understandable venting that sometimes happens in friendships (no one’s perfect and sometimes we say mean things about people we love when they irk us) it seems like a cornerstone of their relationship is mocking me. For my weirdness/awkwardness, for my poor fashion, for being annoying, and for my cheapness (this has occasionally been a sore spot in our friend group because I earn half of what they do and prioritize saving more, which has led to conflict in what restaurants we eat at, etc.). Perhaps the thing that hurt me the most was that I had forwarded to friend A an email exchange between my ex and me asking for her opinion/interpretation of the situation. At the time she said a few soothing things to me (in general I felt kind of unsupported by my friends through my breakup), but it turns out that she forwarded this exchange to friend B, calling me psycho and pathetic, blaming me for the breakup, and they had a good laugh about “the train wreck.”

I am absolutely stunned and devastated. I’m not particularly surprised by friend B — our “friendship” has been strained for years and mostly sustained by the fact that we’re part of the same circle. But I had absolutely no idea friend A thought these awful things about me let alone used them as a source of amusement. I respect and adore her and am shocked to find the feelings aren’t mutual. Especially because more than any of our other friends, I have gone out of my way to be supportive of her during her crises. So, A) How do I get over this major major blow to my sense of self worth? and B) What do I do? Do I confront friend A about this (um, I’m a bridesmaid in her wedding in a few months)? Do I swear friend C to secrecy about my violation of privacy and seek her advice? (I trust and respect her…but then again I trusted and respected friend A.) Do I bury this deep down and pretend it never happened? Do I let the friendship naturally peter out when I move away for medical school? To magnify the blow that this would be to anyone’s psyche, I’m kind of insecure about my ability to make and keep friends. I am kind of awkward (it went over well at my nerdy college) and I’m not terribly social (I love hanging out with friends but am kind of a homebody).

What if I am fundamentally unlovable? How do I find friends that will be supportive and who I can trust? How can I trust anyone after the double-blow of my sudden dumping and reading these emails?

OK, Number 1, I am sorry you are going through such a shitty time.

Number 2, Oh god reading other people’s fucking emails is the number one thing that fucks people up in the world. And we keep doing it because what? We really want to know what people think of us? No we don’t. You don’t want to spend one fucking SECOND in another human’s head. Never read someone else’s email ever. I don’t give a fuck about privacy, or wrong/not wrong. Just as a matter of self-preservation.

Number 3, I’m also not convinced this was outside the realm of the stupid shit-talking everyone does all the time, which is another reason to never read email. Literally everyone is saying bad things about you in it, right now. Me too. I mean, they’re saying bad things about me, and I’m saying bad things about you. Through the stratosphere whips a fine and infinite filament of bitchy stuff people are typing about other people. This is what we use our satellites for. THIS IS PROGRESS. And of course you’re not going to read people’s boring-ass emails, you are like, hitting the search for your name. Look, mostly people don’t think about you, sometimes they hate you and even less frequently, they like you. I mean, not you, one. Us. Each other. The Polis.

Number 4, The upside of this is that you aren’t fundamentally unlovable, people just talk shit. You got dumped, you acted crazy (or not, even, who knows!) and your friends (or non-friends!) helped you through it but also kind of rolled their eyes behind your back. That’s a pretty normal thing to have happen. I don’t think you’re ever going to feel totally comfortable around these people again, because you full on grasped the bitch-filament and felt its voltage course through you, but their behavior sounds like pretty garden-variety petty shit. Your fiance dumping you? Suuuper shitty! But also. . . you had a fiance! Who presumably loved you at some point, or was just a sociopath. I dunno, you sound like a pretty normal person who’s kind of on the quiet/anxious side, and who’s had a rough time of it lately, and should probably just let these particular relationships slip away because you’ll always have those emails in the back of your mind, but I’m not, based on the particular interactions you’re reporting, worried about either (A) your lovability or (B) the trustworthiness of humanity in general, which I’d say remains at about a 4.3.

What a good advice day today was. Everyone! Your vaginas and personalities are normal! Drink more, throw stuff at your dates, make a gelatinous makeup beard! SEE YOU NEXT TIME.

Previously: Bad Sex, Paying for the First Date, and Dating Your Barista.

A Lady is one of several rotating ladies who know everything. Do you have any questions for A Lady?

Photo via Flickr