Love Triangles, Toy-Reliance, and Beautiful Nudes

by A Dude

I know this has all sort of issues attached to it, but I’ve recently started sleeping with my ex-boyfriend again. We had a pretty serious relationship from ‘07-’09, and we broke up on pretty bad terms (he cheated on me the week before we went on a European holiday together, can you believe it?!) so we haven’t exactly been civil/spoken since said breaking-up on Valentine’s 2009. Anyway, two years passed and I accidentally ran into him at a bar last month, where he apologized for cheating and cried about it, and for reasons unknown to me I stopped hating him. And not that night, but the one after, I went to his house and we got bizzay.

Since then the only time we see each other is when I’m really drunk and show up at his house at 1 a.m., only he doesn’t really like this situation because he thinks he’s being used, which, OK, I am using him a bit. I guess my question here is if this happened to you, where, like, ex-from-high-school-years-past showed up in your life and apologized for all of their wrongdoings, would you take them back? Or at least fuck them “for old times’ sake”? Should I just cut and run and ignore the new-found good-feelings toward him, or see this as a new opportunity to try revive a “lost” love (I didn’t lose it, I have never had any regrets about breaking up)? Should I be giving this guy another chance or just sleep with him until I become an anxious mess and then sever contact? (Am I a mega bitch? All my friends also hate him, and he’s not the greatest guy ever, I’ll be the first to admit.)

Let me just say the for all the detail in this letter, I’m having trouble getting a sense of what it is you really want. Do you actually like this guy, but you’d like to remain a little distant because everyone else hates him, and also you’ve been burned in the past? Do you not actually like him, but you’re enjoying fucking with (and, I guess, straight up fucking) him? But I guess if you could answer that, you wouldn’t be writing to a website!

So, here are the answers to your questions in order: no; yes; neither; sleep with him until you become an anxious mess and then sever contact; no.

Kind of joking about question 4. But basically, you have a right to just sleep with him without getting further attached, but you should try to be the better person and break it off when you start to really hurt his feelings, though you may have already crossed that line.

I’ve gotten into a love triangle and I don’t know how to sort it out. I met Guy 1 through friends and made out with him once, and then got the impression that it was a one-time thing and he wasn’t really into me. I was OK with this because he was cute enough to make out with but I didn’t have feelings for him either. Then I met Guy 2 and was attracted to him almost right away. He asked me out (on a real date!) and at this point I thought everything was working out fine. But then I received a confession of love from Guy 1. Now I’m sort of attracted to both of them, in a tentative way, and usually at this point I would maybe spend some time with each of them and see how things turned out. The problem is that I can’t be seeing both of them at the same time because they are really close friends and I imagine they would talk about this sort of thing.

Additional info: Guy 1 is really shy; Guy 2 is more of a charmer and a ladies’ man but I think he genuinely likes me; I can’t casually date both because let’s be real, it would involve a lot of making out and they would almost certainly find out I was doing this with both of them at the same time…

OK, it took me a second to spot the loophole in your reasoning, but here it is: You don’t have to hide the fact that you’re frenching both of them. Without personally knowing either of them, it’s obviously impossible for me to make any kind of call (except, of course, in general “charmers” are the worst), but, if you’re interested in these guys, make out with both of them, and don’t act like you have anything to hide, because, bing bong, guess what, you actually don’t.

Which doesn’t mean you have to rub it in their respective faces, but, you know, make it clear that you’re definitely not exclusive at the point when you’d normally make it clear you’re not exclusive, and let them deal with any issues they might have on their own. It’s really not your problem.

P.S. I realized this will in all likelihood lead you to end up with Big Charmer (and seriously, fuck those dudes), but also, it’s what you should actually do.

Past boyfriends have ummm touched my butthole AND SUCH when we were having sex, and I found it to be extremely enjoyable and very sex-enhancing (and orgasm-inducing). My question is how do I bring this up with my new boyfriend? Is there a particular way that people phrase this? Do they say “I love it when you touch my butt?” or do you have to be like, “I really like it when you touch my butt … hole. Butthole. Touch my butthole. You know, my anus.” LOL. I’m gonna stop now, but I think you get it.

OK. Initially my reaction was going to be somewhere along the lines of “there’s no wrong way to talk about what you want,” but then your examples started to indicate that you might be a person who tends to overthink things. So, my qualified suggestion is that, while there really isn’t a wrong way to ask to have your tushie touched, ask in the most succinct way that doesn’t ruin the mood. If anything, underthink it.

I keep having the same fight with my boyfriend, and I was hoping you’d have some insight. I have never had an orgasm. I still really enjoy sex, it’s just, well, I’ve never been able to come under any circumstances. I take a lot of pleasure in giving pleasure; that is just how it has always been for me. I’m 22 and have been dating the same awesome guy for a little over a year. He has never been unable to make a girl orgasm, so he kind of made it his mission to bring me there. The extra attention was great, but nothing really worked. He bought me a vibrator as a present, but my warped lapsed-Catholic guilt kept me from using it. He brought it into bed one night and it made me feel things I’ve NEVER felt before. I started using it almost every time we had sex, and although I still haven’t had an orgasm, it makes sex way more pleasurable.

The problem is, he has started to resent me using it. He told me he feels like I enjoy using the vibrator more than I enjoy sleeping with him, which isn’t true, it just enhances our sex. He asked me to stop using it. I feel like he’s being repressive and selfish. He thinks I only care about myself. We can’t come to a compromise. Any advice?

You should break up!

Or rather, assuming by compromise the discussions you two have been having center pretty much around getting upset that you’re not meeting at one of two exclusive and opposite poles (IF YOU GET MY DRIFT), ask yourselves this: Would it be possible to literally use the vibrator exactly half of the time you have sex?

Or shit, I don’t know, even try it for a month if you have to.

That would address his possibly valid point that you’re becoming dependent on the vibrator and would definitely address your subtextual point that he is kind of a controlling asshole. Which isn’t to say that both of you can’t be right, but if you guys can’t be happy with a 50/50 split, those will probably be the reasons.

So then you should break up!

My boyfriend looks at porn frequently, but it’s not videos of people having sex. It’s just naked girls.

We’ve been dating for four years and live together in close quarters. I love him very much and we talk about marriage a lot, so I’m trying to come to a conclusion about all this. My concern about this kind of porn is that it’s so casual. He pulls up a picture any time of the day. I see him frequently close out a page or glance at a few pictures before a shower, while I’m napping, in the bathroom etc. The frequency is irritating. And the fact that these women are really pretty. Not just porn hot, but European natural girls, think FemJoy. I’d actually rather he look at those blow up doll looking girls, these girls are actually intimidating!

My biggest concern is that he’s using these images to get aroused for sex or fantasizing about them during blow jobs. Did I mention he’s very reserved in bed? Doesn’t touch much, closes his eyes, which only adds to my insecurity. My problem is, I don’t feel like I’m enough sexually to excite him visually and I don’t like there being a pinch hitter in bed. How can I bring this issue up and strike a compromise without losing him? We’ve already had many arguments about it and he’s only gotten defensive and ended the discussion.

Sorry, I got distracted doing an AskJeeves on “FemJoy.”

But of course, that’s pretty irrelevant. So here’s the deal: Your boyfriend is being a dick for looking at porn without having the decency to at least pretend he doesn’t look at porn (and those pictures are, on the real, definitely porn). He may also have an actual capital “P” problem with his porn looking frequency, but that’s something that you probably should talk to an actual therapist about and not with a dude who hides behind a public domain picture on a website.

So yeah, this is something you have a right to address, because it’s rude, it actually bothers you, and you’re well within your rights to tell him he can have his reasonable amount of private time/space, but he needs to be a normal, non-incessant-porn-hound during other times. If he refuses to do this, or when your kind of obviously unsatisfying sex life becomes real sticking point, you should break up with him.

Why don’t you buy me the right kind of flowers?

Why didn’t you give me your real pager number?!?

…

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: D

Just kidding (but for real, page me). I think the reason why Dudes are bad at giving flowers is that, with the sad demise of orderly Victorian courtship, the utility of flowers in communicating your intentions towards a Lady has greatly diminished, but has not entirely disappeared. Basically, we have no idea what flowers mean, but we know they mean something, and that ambiguity is stressful. For reference, here are my three categories of flowers:

– Roses (Honestly, what kind of sociopath would give roses to someone)
 — Crysanthemums (I think these mean death in Asian cultures, but I get that that’s not strictly relevant to this conversation)
 — Other (Every Other Flower)

… and, while the details may differ, I’d be confident that that’s a representative type of flower knowledge base for most Dudes.

So, how important are flowers to you? If it’s a huge dealbreaker, I think it’s up to you to meet halfway by at least dropping hints about what kind of flowers you like and/or are right. Flower X is nice. I enjoy looking at Flower Y.

And if this isn’t working, and you really need a dude with just an innate sense of horticulture, I’d suggest giving this guy a call.

Previously: Porno-meters, Gastric Bypass, and Tending to Small Things.

A Dude is one of several rotating dudes who know everything. Do you have any questions for A Dude?