Infidelity Fallout, Drug Habits, and Long-Distance Feelings

by A Lady

I’ve been married for about eight months now. My wife and I both lost our virginity to each other on our wedding night. After a few weeks of practice we’ve gotten to the point now where we have absolutely incredible sex, and we have it quite often. I’ve tried to go down on her a few times and after the second or third time she told me she didn’t want me to. She said there’s just other things that I do that she enjoys more.

My problem is I really enjoy going down on her. Based on things I’ve read on this site and other places, women really enjoy receiving oral sex, and I feel like we’re both missing out on something fun and sexy by not including this in our love making. She goes wild when I use my fingers or a vibrator, and she’s able to achieve orgasm through penetration. In fact, she’s able to orgasm nearly every time through penetrative sex alone. She goes down on me frequently and she’s not opposed to trying out new things. So why can’t I give her oral? I realize that I probably am not very good at it at this point, but I can’t get better without practice, right? I’m incredibly lucky that she can achieve orgasms with me and our sex is always amazing, but are we missing out on something? Should I even care or just drop it and keep doing what I do best?

Why can’t you give her oral? Because she told you not to! Close book, end of story.

… OK fine, I will tell you more. It does sound like you are, indeed, incredibly lucky when it comes to sex — not only that it is amazing, and that your wife can orgasm with you (which sounds like she’s the lucky one), but that, despite being virgins until your wedding night, you and your wife have strong sexual chemistry and have learned a lot of things quickly. These are good things, things you should enjoy! Stop focusing on one thing she says she’s not into.

And while yes, there are women who will scream the joys of receiving oral sex from the rafters, there are also some women who frankly don’t enjoy it as much, and don’t see it as such a big deal. Some women feel like it puts too much pressure on them, some feel too vulnerable, some think it’s gross, and some simply don’t enjoy it. Whatever. It really doesn’t matter what your wife’s personal reason for not wanting it is, because she’s said she doesn’t want it. Don’t pester her about it!

Assuming you’re in a monogamous marriage, you are the only person your wife is going to be sleeping with, possibly for the rest of her life. That’s a lot of time for sex ahead of you both, and saving something new and exciting for later isn’t the worst idea. People grow and change and want different things, so just because she’s taken it off the table now doesn’t mean she won’t be interested in five or 10 years from now — or even next month. But, more importantly, you have to wait for her to bring it up. So yeah. Drop it. If, at some point in the future, she’s interested, she will let you know.

I, a dude, have a close lady friend who I don’t know how to help. She’s in a field where she moves to a new place every year, which makes it hard to meet people. Right now she’s in a little town where she met a guy who’s several years (at least) her senior and 15 years+ married (with a reputation for being a ladies’ man regardless). They are getting their affair on, and have decided they are in love; even though she’s relocating again soon, he’s talking about leaving his wife for her. My question is, what advice does my friend need from me? How can I help her? Part of me is feeling just crazy judge-y for the whole infidelity aspect, but I don’t want to sit around judging one of my best friends, I want to support her. The more important part is the obvious “if this is how he treats his wife what makes you think he’s someone to be with” concern, which she says she understands. I know this is an irrationality-driven situation. What should I be saying to her to help her out?

There is about a 99.5% chance that this is going to end badly for your friend. THAT is when she’s going to need you the most, and when she’s thinking of who she can turn to at that point, it’s not going to be the people who judged her for playing a role in infidelity, or who said “I told you so.” Being able to be there for her when this inevitably goes to hell should be your main priority in all future conversations about this situation.

Meanwhile, do your best to let her know that you will be there for her regardless (assuming that is the case). There’s a tricky sort of way of saying “I wouldn’t make the choices that you’ve made, but I do want you to be happy, and if this makes you happy, then so be it. Just be careful.”

I am also of the mind that it’s the married person’s responsibility to not cheat, rather than your friend’s responsibility to not get involved with a married man, but I am quite sure there will be dissenting voices in the comments about this.

Also, kudos to you for being a good friend.

I have a friend with a drug problem and I’m not sure what to do. She’s on two separate meds for depression and anxiety, so when we lived together she would drink and get completely obliterated. It started that way and then she added harder drugs. We had opposite schedules and I wasn’t going out with her on weekdays much, but when I did invite her out I found she wouldn’t even try dancing until she got a hold of her drugs. She even waited by the bathroom one time for an entire night asking random people if they had anything so after that I finally talked to her about it. We never fought about it or talked to each other in a judgmental way. I tried to be as sensitive as I could and made it clear I was simply worried. She didn’t think there was a problem partying a little here and there. She would sometimes be in her bed or not shower for days at a time (creating a very foul smell throughout the apartment) and talk about how bad she felt, so I knew she sort of didn’t want to do this all the time. But the partying only got worse, to the point where I’d only see her (still partying) when I was going to work at seven in the morning. That turned into flat out never going out together or asking me to come out with her again.

She moved to another city and still texts me to say she misses or loves me and “likes” everything I do on Facebook. She won’t answer my calls (just texts back) but I haven’t heard her voice in an entire year. I see on Facebook she has the same behavior and not much as changed. She is (or was) incredibly incredibly close to me. I want her to go have fun and party fine but I think I’m more worried that her heart might explode from everything she is combining! I am not that person to call her up and be her mother. I know she is probably avoiding talking to me because she doesn’t want that either. This friendship might be over and I’m not sure what to do or if I should just let it go. I need some advice.

Oh dear. That sucks.

You have a bunch of options here. Either way, I would suggest you take some time to figure out what you want, in a best-case-scenario yet realistic world. Do you want to remain friends with this girl? Do you want to take some space from her, and let her know you’ll be there when she sobers up? Do you want the friendship to be over? All of these (and more) are perfectly valid responses. I’m not going to tell you which one is the right answer, because there really isn’t a wrong answer here.

One thing I would keep in mind is that a lot of the behavior you described above can be attributed to depression and/or anxiety — including the drug use. (This is not to say, obviously, that everyone with such issues indulges in these behaviors, or that drug use is always indicative of mental illness. Just that sometimes this is the case, and that might be something to consider when deciding your next move.)

While I’ve got absolutely nothing against recreational drug use, or even against functioning drug addicts, it sounds like your friend has moved beyond both “recreational” and “functioning.” I wouldn’t worry about her heart exploding as much as I would focus on whatever mental state she’s in that’s driving her to make these choices. I know you said you don’t want to mother her, and you’re clearly under no obligation to do so, but it sounds like she’s in a pretty bad place and could use a friend. Telling her you’re concerned about her — especially since it sounds like this behavior has continued for years — might be a much-needed wake-up call for her. Or she might brush you off. But you’re not really talking anyway, so what do you have to lose?

No matter what you decide to do, your next move should be a decently-long email. If you do want to stay friends with her, tell her you miss her and that she should know that you’re not going to mother her. If you want to be more forward, tell her you don’t want to lose her, and you think she needs to at least look at why she’s making the choices she’s made. If it hurts you too much to see what she’s doing (which, again, is an understandable response) tell her that too.

Quick backstory: I met this girl in last year in New York. I asked her out and it went amazingly well; we had a great date, I kissed her after walking her back to her apartment, and for the next four months we had a fantastic relationship. It was all good times, no drama or stress. We’d amuse each other for hours just being goofy and laughing at dumb inside jokes, etc. And the sex was good and plentiful.

But… before I met her I’d already planned to move to a different city. So there was a time limit. Because of that, we never really “took it to the next level.” And now I’m here in Austin and she’s there in NY, and we’re rooted in these places for the next couple years. Not really easy driving distance. Womp womp, life is complicated, I know. But I really like her! I’m 99.9% sure that if it weren’t for the distance, we’d still be in a great relationship.

It’s been a few months since we’ve seen each other, but we still talk on the phone occasionally and Gchat several times a week. I’m going to NY to visit her this summer, and I want to tell her what’s on my mind, something along the lines of this (clearly this needs some refining): “I like you a whole lot, and I’ve been totally smitten with you since pretty much the first time we hung out, and even though it can’t work out now, I hope it can work out later.” Is this a good or bad idea?

The more I think about it the more it seems like a bad idea. I don’t want to play games with her or make her feel some sort of obligation to me, just to make sure she knows how I feel about her. Is there a way to do that without it being weird and seeming like I’m trying to call dibs on her or anything? I don’t really have any particular expectations of how this is going to turn out. I mean, I don’t expect her to drop everything and run away with me or put her own dating life on hold until I can move back to NY, and the last thing I want is for her to feel any pressure from me to do those things.

I dunno. Should I just let it go? Ugh… but I really really like her! What does A Lady think about this delicate situation?

This was not a quick backstory. This was the abstract for a zany rom-com, right? Essentially, A Lady thinks you two crazy kids are adorable and wishes you hundreds of fat children. I am throwing away a considerable amount of cynicism and crustiness to say: Fuck yeah, go for it. Tell her exactly what you said here — you have no expectations, you don’t want to stop her from living her life, and you don’t want her to feel obliged or wait for you, but you like her a whole bunch.

Damn. I really wanted to just leave it at that, but I ought to point out — your four-month relationship that was stress-free and perfect may have been so because there was an end date to it. People tend to not sweat the small things when they know a relationship has an expiration date, and judge short-term relationships differently than they do relationships with the potential for long-term/permanence. But still, I’d say go for it.

Previously: Makeup, Email Nightmares, and “How Do I Talk to People?”

A Lady is one of several rotating ladies who know everything. Do you have any questions for A Lady?

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