Children, Married Coworkers, and “Self-Actualized” Exes

by A Married Dude

My boyfriend and I have been together for two years, and we had been living with each other for about a year and a half. Things are great, but there are the normal ups and downs of life, mainly difficulties with money due to the general economy being shitty. I am in law school and about 15 years younger than him (25 and 40). My guy has never been married and does not have kids. I have always wanted a family and have been upfront about my desire to have kids (in the future after I have graduated law school and found a job). My boyfriend and I are very much on the same page when it comes to values and instincts about raising children.

The only problem is that I’m not sure if he’s completely against having kids or just apprehensive. I totally understand if he is not ready to commit to marriage and children right away, but I’m concerned that he’s already made up his mind not to have kids at all. The comments he’s made on the subject suggest that he could go either way… I just don’t know. How did you approach this issue? Did you always know you wanted kids, or was it something that had to be sprung on you before you got used to the idea? Is it normal for guys to be uncertain about children?

There are a lot of things about which people could reasonably “go either way.” Elections. Wines. Anal. Children are not one of those things.

Like most 26-year-olds, I didn’t think I would live to be 35, so children seemed like an academic question. Did I want children? Well, sure, but how am I going to do that after I die at 31 recreating Evil Knievels’ Snake River Canyon jump? But then, at 30, I had my first bout of heartburn, which I naturally thought was a massive heart attack. As the laughing in the ER faded into the background on my walk to the car, I decided a whole life-priorities-reworking was in order.

It it completely normal for guys to be uncertain about children. Some guys know early on, some warm to the idea, especially after a sibling has kids and proves wildly happy with the decision. That’s what happened to me. Now I have two young daughters and sometimes, as I watch them sleep, I kick myself for waiting so long because that’s 10 fewer years I’ll have with them before I die (of a real infarction that I dismiss as heartburn).

Either way, this is something that you absolutely have to nail down now. At 40, he doesn’t have the luxury of dicking around with this decision anymore. Being one of those 70-year-old dads of a 10-year-old isn’t unfair to the 10-year-old, it’s unfair to the dad; nothing’s worse than a man on his deathbed feeling regretful about not being able to see his kids grow up.

Guys always spin themselves as victims in the face of ultimatums, but as much as this conversation will be about as appealing as fried chicken in 100 degree heat, it’s simply too important to be “whatever.”

A moment if I may. It’s just as important for men to know this as women: Just because a guy wavers on having children doesn’t mean he’ll make a lesser father. Many guys who were terrified and unsure about fatherhood ended up being tremendous dads. My first daughter was unplanned (though not unwanted), and that experience was so great I was soon clamoring for another. So, keep in mind that hesitance about being parents should’t be held against anyone. In fact, a little more hesitance on starting a family would probably do a lot of this nation a heaping of good.

I’m a girl in my early 20s with several married male coworker-type (we know each other through mutual involvement in a creative community) friends who are a good bit older than me. I already have a lot of trouble negotiating these relationships in the first place, because I’ve never had married friends, let alone married friends where I’ve only known the husband. I don’t know what’s appropriate and what isn’t. All of them, at one time or another, have compared me to their wives, sometimes saying that I remind them of their wife before they got married. It makes me sort of uncomfortable! I don’t really know what to make of it or what to say when they do it. I guess it’s flattering? I don’t really get lecherous vibes from any of them or anything. Any idea what they’re trying to say, or what the appropriate response would be? Any general tips on not making anyone’s wife feel weird?

The married guys are pinging you for interest. Not because they actually want to have an affair with you, but because even faithful married guys like to think they “still have it.” If you respond with what they see as interest, it’s a giant boost to the ego. Also, some of them may want to sleep with you.

Anyway, not making anyone’s wife feel weird really isn’t your job. My suggestion is that every time they mention that you remind them of their wives, respond with, “That’s funny, because you remind me of my dad.” You can even give them a little affected punch on the shoulder when their face inevitably crumples in tragic understanding.

For the record — Not Appropriate: Fucking any of them. Appropriate: Pretty much everything else.

I moved to NYC two years ago to try to figure out some sort of career path. What I left behind was a tumultuous relationship that was full of a lot of love but also a lot of hostility and pain. We’ve been apart for these two years, haven’t seen each other for almost an entire year, and I know that he’s in a new relationship. When we talk on the phone (about once a week), he claims that he doesn’t really love this new girl, that there’s no “spark,” and yet he uses the l-word with her. We have plans to meet up later in June to see if we still love each other. I have two concerns: one is that I don’t want him to cheat on her, although I’m fairly certain he won’t be dumping her just to come see me for a week, and the second is that this whole time I’ve been in NYC, I have been really focused on him. When we were together he was really mean and unempathetic, even hateful, in-between the bouts of the most romantic gestures I’ve ever experienced (yes, I realize that this is typical emotionally abusive behavior). But I honestly think he’s a lot more grounded and “self-actualized” now. But I can’t stop thinking about him, I’m paralyzed by it. I’m pretty sure that the best course of action is to cut him out of my life, but I just don’t seem capable of doing so. Please help. Thanks!

It wasn’t that difficult to pinpoint the core of your problem: “I moved to NYC two years ago to try to…”

Kidding!

My gut feeling on this is not good at all. If I were a betting man (and I am), all my money would be on his looking to sleep with you that week for old times’ sake. You probably did something in bed his new girlfriend doesn’t, or he’s bored or, well, who cares.

It seems like your gut is telling you the same thing. And sorry, but “I realize that this is typical emotionally abusive behavior” doesn’t belong in parenthesis, all the rest does. Really, it seems impossible to believe it now, but someday this will all be a distant memory. There are plenty of men in New York who will mistreat you into forgetting all about him.

If you really must, try telling him you can’t make it to the June meeting and see if he reverts back to his old, pre-self-actualized self.

$20 says he does.

Previously: Promise Rings, Running Away, and Knowing the “One.”

A Married Dude is a married dude who doesn’t claim to know everything about marriage. Do you have any questions for A Married Dude?