Reality TV of the Middle Ages

by Lauren Bans

Survivor The entire village of Yalding gets the black plague and perishes, including one farmer’s daughter whom many thought was too beautiful to die.

The Bachelor Ladies from far away lands compete to bear the illegitimate child of the ill-tempered Lord Baldor of Igythrop, each week two contenders are sent home with syphillis.

The Bachelorette The winning lady of The Bachelor and mother of Lord Baldor of Igythrop’s illegitimate child gets beheaded in the town square.

Top Lep Eight apothecarists contend to see who can model their leprosy-ravaged face into a presentable visage using only black hollyhock and locally sourced goat tails.

The Mule Whisperer Ulric, the town drunk, has sex with many neighbors’ mules and is castrated with a pitchfork.

Extreme Home Makeover Fief Edition An extremely wealthy Lord gives his quadripeligic serf a lice-infested pillow that makes his life better for a brief time before it becomes even worse.

Previously: Imaginary Lines From an Imaginary 9/11 Sex and the City Episode.

Lauren Bans is an editor at GQ.