Flirting, Non-Verbal Communication, and Guys Who Say They’re Gay

by A Dude

So, I think I’m bad at flirting. Seriously bad. And I was wondering if you could give me some tips. I’ve been told that guys don’t pick up on subtleties, and I’m not usually comfortable just flat out asking a guy out, so I’m wondering what the in-between options are (or if there are any) to let a guy know you’re interested.

For instance, recently a guy I’ve hung out with in a group said “We should hang out more,” and I said “Yeah, that would be great.” He asked for my number and I gave it to him, and then I spaced on asking for his number because I was so nervous and the conversation ended. Was that a faux pas and he thinks I’m not interested since I didn’t reciprocate? Or am I overthinking things, and he’d just call me anyway if he was into me? I never know if someone is not interested or if I just haven’t made it clear enough that I’m because I pretty much clam up anytime I’m attracted to someone.

I guess my point is, what else could I have done in that interaction to show interest? Or in other interactions with guys that I’m attracted to — does the concentrated eye contact really work? Or touching his arm and laughing or whatever the heck it is I’m supposed to do? Because those things don’t really come naturally and I’m seriously at a loss as to how to proceed.

Oh god… touching the arm. TOUCHING THE ARM!!! Stranger girl, if only you knew, you and your sisters in womanhood… touching the arm!!! Next girl that touches my arm and laughs I’m just gonna take a knee and propose on the spot. My answer is YES. Yes to touch the arm and laugh. EYE CONTACT!! YES!! IT’S ALL SO SIMPLE!!

What is it about Touch the Arm (TtA)? I think its because it has so much cultural cachet at this point, so obviously a subtle way for a woman to demonstrate interest, that as soon as a girl does it, it’s a one-way ticket to boner city. Nobody touches the arm accidentally. There is no platonic touch the arm. Touch the arm means only one thing: “I would like you, please, to ask me out on a date, cute boy. And not a ‘come over to my place and hang out we’ll have Kettle Corn and watch Up,’ well, bad example because actually that sounds awesome, but what I really want is for you to ask me out on a real date where it’s called a date and we go out in the world and you’re taking me because you want to be seen with me.” That’s what touch the arm means. So yes. Touch the arm. We know about it, you know about it, it’s the not-so-secret secret code and any guy worth your time will at least know you’re interested after touch the arm. Y’know how if guys would just open your car door for you or pull out your chair or offer you their coat, they would instantly be so much more attractive to you, but no guys do it and you don’t know why? Touch the arm is a cosmically perfect analogy for that. IT’S SO EASY. Just do it!! Plus eye contact. If he flexes when you touch him he definitely wants you. Or you could just ask him out, dagnabit, this is the 21st century right? If not, touch the arm. Finish this SAT question: “guys” are to “touch the arm” as “cats” are to (A: “a sunbeam that hits the carpet at the perfect angle and doesn’t move all day”).

TOUCH THE ARM. Touch it. Do you see me holding out my arm?

I’ve got a somewhat… ahhh … graphic … question for a dude.

Aside from the roughly 10 percent of the population that isn’t into them, I’ve always assumed that dudes love tits. I love — LOOOVE — having mine sucked on during sex, but the last couple of guys I’ve been with have only given them a perfunctory lick before going on to something else. I know I could just shove my boobs in a guy’s face and hope he gets the hint, but I’d like a little insight from A Dude. Do men find suckin’ on some titties weird, like it’s some kind of psychosexual Oedipal hangup?

Mom? Get off the internet, Mom.

I’M KIDDING oh god I hope. OK, so right at the top WHO ARE THESE GUYS?? I’ve never heard of this aversion. I want you to be very careful around them in the future because they are probably serial killers. My real answer, though, is that I can think of two completely different answers for this question and they don’t overlap, in fact they’re totally contradictory, so I’m going to write them out and you pick which one is the best for you.

1. There’s this presumption out there that some people are good and some people are bad in bed, but I think it’s totally untrue. I think there are really only degrees of compatibility. I mean, think about the worst kisser you’ve ever kissed, the absolute worst. Now, I’m convinced there is someone out there on the planet who loves the way that person kisses, can’t get enough. Really! So it isn’t about these particular guys being good or bad in bed, it’s about the degree of chemistry that you have with another other person. My advice, here, is keep experimenting until you find that guy who absolutely loves to do to you what you love gettin’ done. That said, “I love — LOOOVE — having mine sucked on during sex” (emphasis added) sounds like it might pose some logistical problems. Work hard to get the angles right, and don’t pick a guy who’s too tall.

2. So you’ve had a few bad experiences with some guys who were objectively bad in bed; what do we learn from this. Well for one, we learn that nobody can read your mind: If you keep quiet about what’s bothering you, you’ll never be able to work on problems to improve them in the future. Now, I find in a lot of sex advice columns, you get people who come from a sex education background and say things like, “you need to sit down with your partner in a safe place and have open, honest communication with them with lots of tea and eye contact.” Which is great. Really, that is great for you, sex educator lady, but here in the real world people sometimes have trouble talking about their sexual hangups, even with someone they really trust. It can be embarrassing, or awkward, or just something we don’t want to talk about in general. So, here are some tips from a guy’s perspective on how to communicate this desire to the dude you’re with.

i) Noises. Noises are the best. Make noises, and change those noises when something happens that you want to continue to happen. Most guys want the girl they’re with to enjoy herself. Some guys are so concerned with this that they can’t have an orgasm themselves! Which is insane. Let’s be real. But the sentiment is there: The guy you are with is probably very interested in you having a good time. There’s a reason that women are faking one long, constant orgasm throughout an entire pornographic film; if guys didn’t care, she’d just be grunting occasionally while reading a magazine. That might actually be hilarious to see. Anyway, make noises to let him know how he’s doing (or even better say words!), and I promise he’ll try to give you what you need. If not, shut it down.

ii) Hair pulling. Nothing better than a girl grabbing a big fistful of your hair while you’re making out — use this to direct attention where it needs to be. I promise this works. Sound aggressive? That’s sort of the point. Dooo it and never stop.

OK, best of luck, stranger girl!! If none of this works, send me your address and I’ll come get you pregnant! Then you will have a BABY! To suck your boobs forever!! Oh, gross… Not forever.

I met this guy through mutual friends and have been dating him for a couple of months now, and things have been going well. We hang out every weekend, he’s met my friends, and we’ve spent the night together multiple times. Sounds good, right? Here’s the thing: He hasn’t made any moves! After about five dates, he hadn’t kissed me yet and so I took initiative and did it. Go me! We ended up drunkenly fooling around, coming close to sealing the deal, but no go (this was me stopping us from going too far because I still didn’t feel ready to have sex with him yet). Since then, we shared one really, really awkward goodbye kiss and haven’t kissed since, even when I’ve spent the night at his house (all of those times meant we were just spooning). It’s been about a month since that hook up and we’ve been living the lives of a people in a relationship; I drove him to the airport when he was gone for a few weeks on business and house-sat for him, I’ve met his brother, etc., but I just can’t figure out what his deal is. We flirt a lot and hold hands, his friends tell me he’s into me, but there has been no kissing! Nothing! I can’t shake the feeling that either I have the worst breath ever (I don’t REALLY think I do), I’m in the friend zone (but there are so many signs against it!!) or he’s gay or something (I hope not). What do I do?

Hmm… my first thought — and I’m sure this has already occurred to you — is of a ventriloquist arguing with his puppet backstage. Do they still talk to the dummy when no one is around? I bet yes.

My second thought is that he’s possibly just very shy and sexually reticent or (tough love time) he isn’t attracted to you. Guys flirt for a lot of reasons. His friends may have been saying something you wanted to hear to please you (people do that), or you may have been wanting to hear something from them that wasn’t there (people do that too). Lots of times, someone who is a coward will behave in such a way that WE are forced to make the decision when THEY desire the outcome. He might be acting super nice and flirty and fun because it’s easy, and the status quo, but doing this weird thing so that you’ll lose interest and move on. Something to think about at the very least. Sorry darlin’. If you want, shoot me your address and I’ll come get you pregnant later. You’ll never be alone again! Well once the baby grows up and leaves you.

Let’s momentarily explore the super shy angle though. Is he from a crazy religious background? I was raised in a pretty religious environment, and girls have come over to my house with the expressed interest of sleeping with me, only to have me surrender my bed to them and sleep on the couch. Then make them breakfast the next day. Yes, honestly. The pregnant stuff is a joke, but this is very, sadly true. I am a heterosexual male. This has happened on more than one occasion, sometimes with girls I am extremely physically attracted to, so take comfort (?) in that!

My point is, there are guys like us, guys who are insane, and you need to figure this out. Was he raised in a shame-based religious tradition? You may have two options going forward. One, tell him that you think you and he will get married one day and he’ll start to open up. Even if it isn’t true! There’s a possibility this could lead to hurt feelings.

Two, take initiative in a serious way. I know this isn’t what girls always like, but if he’s worth it, this may be your only option. It might well be the case that as soon as you get things started with him it’ll unlock this chamber of passionate lust inside him that you didn’t know existed. As soon as you give him permission he will take control in a way you really like (am I speaking from experience? I don’t know. Maybe twenty bucks will refresh my memory…). Giving permission is key though. There’s a great Louis C.K. bit where he talks about hooking up with a girl who constantly pushes his hands away when he tries to take the next step. Later, she asks him why nothing happened; when he tells her it was because she stopped him, she says she was only doing that because she likes the guy she’s with to take control. Louis response is “so you wanted me to rape you on the off chance you were into it?”

My guy friends and I have talked about this (yes, we talk) and agreed that the sexual manners of the modern era have gotten very complicated. Women are increasingly expressing frustration at guy’s failure to initiate aggressively, and we’re all terrified of raping you. So here’s my advice: Next time you’re spooning him, just take that next step yourself. Do things to him that will require years of therapy before he can even accept that they happened at all. Be aggressive, and he’ll hopefully return in kind.

My question needs a bit of a backstory first since I’m sure context is important… Anyway, I’ve been friends with this guy since middle school, and to be honest I’m totally in love with him. Years back, I found out I was moving out of state, and his response was to the effect that he was sorry I was going, because he had a crush on me and had wanted to start dating but never got the nerve to ask. In the end, I didn’t end up moving at all, but he acts like he never told me that. Now I’m supposed to believe he’s gay, even though we’ve been friends for 6+ years and I’ve never met even one of his boyfriends? Do you think he’s just telling me he’s gay because he changed his mind about wanting to date me?

WAIT! Stranger girl! Don’t stop writing! I have so many more questions! When did gayness come into this?! He told you he’s gay??? Come baaack.

OK, hold on, let me think for a second here. You say you’ve known him for six years, but you’ve been friends with him since middle school. High school is four years, so even if you met him at the very end of middle school then you’re only one year out of high school, so, like, nineteen? Or if you met earlier you might be even younger, seventeen or eighteen? If that’s indeed the case, and he told you “years back” that he had a crush on you when you were leaving the state, he may have been in a very strange time in the development of his sexual identity. In fact, a close female friend who was apparently leaving forever may have been the perfect opportunity to experiment with being a straight guy, to see once and for all that it wasn’t for him. I’ve had gay friends who have conducted experiments very much like this one, so basically I’m saying the gay hypothesis could hold water. You will meet his boyfriends eventually, when he starts having boyfriends.

As for whether or not he’s lying to you about being gay, I can’t say for sure. I’d probably say he’s not lying. Occam’s razor: The simplest hypothesis is usually the correct one. Is it simpler that he’s actually gay and was confused before, or is it simpler that he’s lying to you and now — every time he sees one of his close friends — he has to construct elaborate narratives to make it seem as though he’s a homosexual when he’s not, around not only you but your mutual friends as well. It just doesn’t seem likely to me.

So, I guess what I’m saying is that it doesn’t seem unreasonable to me that he might really be gay, so you need to ask yourself some tough questions about whether or not you think he is. You’re a lot closer to this situation than I am, but it might be the case that you don’t want to find out because you’re unhappy about the answer you might get.

OK, so, if the love of your life turns out to actually be gay, I’m sorry. I’d offer you the standard baby, but I’d probably go to jail given the circumstances. Besides, you’re way too young to be raising a baby on your own and lord knows I won’t be there to provide for the kid, I can barely manage on my own. What were you thinking, stranger-girl?? A baby at this point would just be insane, WAKE UP.

Speaking of tough love, if this guy is gay you’ve gotta eighty-six this whole thing. Your love for him is like a kitten. It’s your beautiful little kitten with its tiny paws and its eyes that don’t focus yet. Its head looks too big for its body, and it just wants to milk-tread on your shoulder and suck on your shirt and purr. You cherish your little kitten of love, you tend to it every day and lie to yourself to keep it happy and you’d do anything for your love-kitten. Well, I’m sorry stranger girl, but you need to take that love-kitten and pitch it overhand into a woodchipper and scatter the remains to the four corners of the earth. It’s going to grow from a love-kitten into a tiger of self-hate and perversion that will eat you one day and the police will never find your remains because your pervert-tiger even ate your bones. The last thing you want is this sort of situation.

OK, I’m sorry again and I love you, please take care of yourself!

Previously: Sexual Safaris, Sweatiness, and Friends With Benefits.

A Dude is one of several rotating dudes who know everything. Do you have any questions for A Dude?

Photo via Flickr